A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Can you get over a threesome gone wrong? Me and my boyfriend have been going out for 3 years. Our sex life is good and has never become dull. We had in the past (usually after a few drinks) talked about a threesome (with another woman- he wouldn't be keen with a man). I've never really wanted to as I am not at all attracted to women. On Saturday night we both got really drunk and were approached by another woman asking - initially - if I'd be up for it. Trying to keep an open mind, and thinking there's nothing wrong with trying it once I agreed. We all went back to our hotel room where we were staying and she started playing around with me. I didn't really get into it at all and wasn't turned on by her trying to pleasure me, but ridiculously in my drunken induced state just let it happen. At this point my boyfriend had gone down on her and seemed to be really getting into it. He asked if he could penetrate her, so she asked me. I made it clear I wasn't comfortable with that so she declined him. I finally reached the point that I just couldn't continue as it was really not for me, so I pretty much 'pretended' to crash out. Unfortunately, I was still awake and was then left to hear my boyfriend hassling her for sex. She was reminding him I hadn't wanted him to, so no and after a bit more trying he obviously realised he was getting nowhere. This was the thing that upset me most - surely at this point it'd turned into a twosome? He says it was just a mad night, he didn't really fancy her, he was drunk/just really turned on and I'd agreed to it. What's eating away at me now is that madly after the event I'm now asking myself questions I should have before - why would he want to have sex with anyone else? why did he have to try and carry on and have sex with her when I'd opted out? Again, madly only now - after the event - am I now reading all these stories about it usually turning up as a mess if there's love in the relationship. In my experience this couldn't be more true. Will I ever be able to get over this? I can live with the fact that I experienced it/know it's not for me, but will I get over the image of my guy wanting to be with another woman when he could've had me? Does it in any way constitute cheating? (he always promised me he'd never cheat on me after my last long-term boyfriend of 13 years went off with another woman when I was pregnant with my 2nd child!). What a mess. If anyone could reply, I'd really appreciate it because I'm totally gutted.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much to all of you who posted an answer to my question. All the advice has genuinely helped me, and it's all been top class advice. I am beginning to accept that it was a fluke, one-off situation. I've talked to my boyfriend about it a lot, and he says he regrets it as he can now see someone was always going to get hurt and he really doesn't feel the need to have anyone else. In a way, this whole mess has helped him get a dangerous fantasy out of his head. Thanks again XX
A
female
reader, katieleeds +, writes (27 July 2010):
Hi, simply by agreeing to it he must have thought you were up for it. What you should of done was told her to leave as soon as you felt it wasn't for you. I don't think any man wouldn't be turned on by two women in bed with him. You can't really agree to a threesome, then expect it to suddenly turn into a twosome when you find you're not comfortable with the situation. Still being drunk doesn't help does it, have done it myself, but not with someone that I love, couldn't possibly share him and watch him touching another woman and as for penetration forget it!
He obviously thought that full sex was going to happen and not a quick fumble, after all, like I said, you did agree to it, so he must have thought that you would be able to handle it. It doesn't constitute as cheating does it as you were there and nothing happened anyway. Don't let this eat away at you as it will drive you crackers ! Have another talk with him and just explain that it will never happen again, was a one-off stupid drunken night and that (well I suppose now) you feel insecure about the whole situation. Hope you work things out. Lifes too short to dwell on "if only I hadn't and regrets".
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (27 July 2010):
 I think a 3-some is a bad excuse to cheat "Scott-free". Many men (and women) believe that if you have a 3-some it's not cheating, because their partner is there and willing.
For the most part I think having a 3-some is cheating by proxy. But in your case it's kind of iffy. Why? Because at ANY time you could have said stop, I'm not comfortable with this. You rather pretend to be asleep then say OK, enough.
Stick up for yourself. If you don't want to do XYZ, there is nothing wrong in saying no. You DON'T have to TRY everything once.
Tell your Bf that this is not something you ever want to do again. Tell him HOW it made you feel. Don't pretend it's all hunkydory when it isn't. There is more to a relationship then pleasing your partner and accommodate their every wish.
Take from this and accept that not all fantasies need to be full filled. Some can just be played out between the two of you.
Again, STAND UP FOR YOURSELF.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2010): I think it was just a mad night. Having a threesome is most guys unrealized fantasy. If the stars align and it somehow happens, sure a guy can lose his head a bit. Just let it go. Tell him it hurt u and u don't want to go that route again.
I would be more concerned about his actions day to day, the here and now - not a crazy one in a million type fantasy where he got a little carried away. Thressomes are like the X games of sex. It's extreme. People get hurt. There is a reason why most people don't do this. It's like skiing done a double diamond run. If it was too much for you and you got hurt, don't do it again. Go back to being a normal loving couple. Please don't let this one extreme situation color your thoughts of him
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A
female
reader, veronika  +, writes (27 July 2010):
 His excuse that it was "just a mad night" is crap. In my opinion, he was wanting an excuse to have sex with another woman, and thought he could by going down the "let's have a threesome" route.
I don't have a problem with threesomes if all people are into it, but you clearly weren't into it and she wasn't into having sex with him. He was being a bit of a arse.
You probably will get over it, but things like this take time to get over. If you're wanting to stay in the relationship you need to be reassured by him that he's never going to pull something like that again. You need to tell him straight up that his behaviour was unacceptable and ask him what he was thinking and why he did it, when he's committed to you.
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