A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm 23 and have been with my boyfriend for nearly 4 years. I came from a overly protected background and therefore did not have a boyfriend till I was 18-19 at uni. I have been with him since and we have overcome a lot: i.e my parents (different race issues etc) and we have settled down. However, although I love him - I don't think that i'm IN love with him. We don't have a sex life because I just don't want to. I feel totally comfortable with him but I don't feel any physical attraction to him - is that totally shallow? Can you be in a relationship without desire or attraction? He has gained a lot of weight since we have been together and he does not seem too bothered about losing weight. I encourage him to be more active but he always blame it on being tired from work. He doesn't seem to care about his self appearance and it bothers me because I make the effort for him.I'm starting to get really annoyed about the little things about him - he never tidies up and is really messy. This must sound stupid but it's been messing with my head lately and I just don't know what to do. I'm finding myself looking at other men more but I would never dare do anything. Plus there's the problem with my family - after taking so much effort and time for them to finally accept our relationship, they would be mad if I left him as they think that I'm 'spoilt' goods. I just need to get this off my chest - any advice???
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2008): It does seem slightly based around his image. Why don't you just keep trying to get him back to normal and think about the lovely man who he really is and deserves a chance.
Go to the gym, with him even. Consuelling - may seem extreme but, it can make the difference. Anything you think would help him, and more importantly, he thinks would help him.
That is of course if he wants help. And then I'd wait to see how your feelings go...
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your answers guys - I've had some time to think about it. Still not sure what I want to do but I have spoken to him about his health. We seem to be getting somewhere with that. I think he does know that I don't feel as attracted to him because he's overweight and I think this has started to make him aware of his situation. I hope if he does lose weight, his self esteem and image will improve.
In answer to Cupidguys' question: yes i did feel some attraction to him but looking back - it was a realization that he was a kind, loving guy that made me want to be with him. He had asked me out before but I had turned him down and we continued to be friends and got really close. The early days were great (phyiscally). He's still the loving man as he was before but he's become completely relaxed with me and has some bad habits that I would rather he not share.
His job has made a huge hindrence to our relationship - his hours are completely different to mine and always vary plus we never have the same day off.
I am scared that I'm slowly going off him - I feel so shallow , he has a lovely personality.
Please keep your answers coming - I appreciate your help. Its helping me to clear my thoughts.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2008): First of all, don't do anything out of guilt. Make sure you do what's right for you and don't let other people's opinions and negativity determine your choices for you.
I was in a similar situation. I stayed with my first boyfriend for eight years out of guilt. I knew I was unhappy, but I didn't realize how unhappy I was until met someone else. It took knowing this other guy to realize how messed-up my first relationship was (so maybe there is truth to the idea that you should shop around before you settle down).
My break up moved along very slowly, sleeping on the sofa for a year or two, forgetting to say "I love you" on the phone, packing up a few things at a time, and then finally pulling the bandage off once I met someone new. Now I wish I had left him sooner. The man I ended up with was also on his way out of his relationship, and I know there would have been a lot less insecurity in this relationship if we had both had a break before getting together. As far as your relationship goes, there might be benefits to ending the relationship slowly. You may not want to shock the him. Making slow changes could help him transition. Then again, if he already might have an inkling, you don't want to drag it out. Let him get on with his life and find someone who will make him happy.
You don't sound happy, and you are far too young to "settle" (no one should settle for their first anyhow). Branch out, let yourself grow, when the time is right, you'll find someone who will make you happy.
p.s. I avoided sex at all costs in my first relationship. now, I'm the one always craving it!
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2008): OK...many options.
For one, usually people in love tend to miss the little things that are annoying when they're not there.
Two, although its annoying he doesn't put in the effort, it is his life and he has to live with the body he has. At the same time, this could lead to depression - don't assume it mind.
You can love someone without physical attraction. I do for one. Plus that shows there is more in your relationship. You like each other for your personalty.
Don't think about your parents. Your old enough to be thinking about your own life. They obviously mean a lot to you (and vice-versa) but you should consider your own feelings. They only get more confusing when other people - particularly when not involved - get considered.
I think you should talk to him about it, give him a chance but it sounds like your slowly going off him. But again, give him a chance to make things work. And give him the best possible chance by not shunning him.
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female
reader, misfitschik66  +, writes (5 July 2008):
 the reality of the situation is that he sounds like not the right guy for you my dear the way you complain about him
it also sounds like your just with him because you don't want your parents to frown upon you
well its your life if you don't think you love him or he is the right guy for you they have no say in what you do as good parents should do is be happy that your happy and if your not happy then move on!
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2008): Well Really its all on you, it's your choice, if you are happy, in the relationship, then, well your happy, if your not then......
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