A
female
age
41-50,
*ardia
writes:For a long time in this year-old relationship I've wondered where we stood and he wasn't sure what he wanted. He ran hot and cold for a long time. Little by little he's been more consistent, more affectionate, making small steps of progress in fully opening and committing to 'us'. We've discussed a LOT about expectations and needs(so much sometimes that I feel like I keep bashing him over the head, but it takes SO long for him to get it). We had another row last night about an issue that just won't die. He went out with mutual friends afterwards (I had to go home--I was exhausted and it was after work, etc) and they asked him point blank if he wanted to end this relationship. In the past he has waffled on it--had a lukewarm attitude about it. Apparently his exact words last night were "NO! I want [her]". Then why doesn't he show it? Why isn't he more consistent? If he had given me more reason to feel secure in this relationship earlier on then we wouldn't have HALF of this drama. I've been completely transparent regarding my deep love for him. We're both stressed about the whole thing. Can we recover from this? We need each other so desperately, but I fear that we're both burned out with the drama and the amount of effort this has taken. Do we give each other a little more breathing room or do we jump head-long into rebuilding.He apparently has something very special planned for me for Christmas. He called me at 5:00 this morning to talk. He's bringing me lunch at work today (a very special treat for me!). We're in such a fragile place right now and I'm so very scared...
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2011): You sound like hard work. Remember there are two of you. He has a mind of his own, his own opinions, likes and dislikes. He is a human being in his own right, not a mere extension of you.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2011): It seems like the relationship is still quite fresh. Does he love you and say it? It's possible that he takes longer to really feel for someone and it could be that unconsiously you are pressuring him to feel and act more affectionate towards you when he just can't make himself.I personally think 'dramas' in a relationship are avoidable. Normally dramas arise because one person does something the other doesnt quite understand or like, or even is hurt over because they dont feel the same way. So that person becomes a bit upset, the pair discuss it and resolve it and in time another drama eventuates.I think if this guy wants to be with you, and hasn't gone anywhere yet you need to relax and enjoy the relationship. It just may take him time to relax in a relationship so he will be more inclined to show affectionate when the relationship is strong and calm rather than being about dramas all the time, if you know what im saying?I know you have needs too (we all do!) so I guess it comes down to you either taking a step back and letting him grow in the relationship at his own pace; continuing how you are and maybe never really getting what you need as you'll be pushing him slightly; OR realising he won't meet your needs and moving on.All the best!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2011): I am just going from your post here, but you say you have been together for one year, and you have had all this drama.We've discussed a LOT about expectations and needs(so much sometimes that I feel like I keep bashing him over the head, but it takes SO long for him to get it)You feel like your bashing him over the head because you are. It takes him so long to get it, but you don't seem to get it that he has needed some time to build up to what you want.Why doesn;t he show it when he can tell others that he wants you, well you are in such a rush and pushing for all this to happen right now at your pace, when does he get time to show it to you.You can work this out, but it takes team work. Meaning you have to work in with him as well as him working in with you. It does not mean you demanding what you want and him having to give it to you on your timetable. You need to take the same amount of responsibility for the drama in this relationship as he does.I understand your urgency, I really do, but the best way to make sure that you don't meet the deadline of your urgency is by pushing someone who isn't quite ready into meeting your schedule. You have been together for one year, that isn't a great amount of time, and you have said he made improvement little by little, but not fast enough for your liking. Get off his back and relax a little, and he may just come along in leaps and bounds. There is too much pressure in this relationship for it to move quickly, and you need to take the pressure off. The only other alternative I can see, is for you to walk away and find a man who has the same urgency that I do, but from what I can tell from your post there is a lot of love between you two and something you really don;t want to have happen.My brother's girlfriend was pushing him, bombarding him with what she needed and expected, but wasn;t listening to what he needed. They have now broken up, and there are 2 people who are miserable and no-one's needs or expectations are being met. I would hate for that to happen to anyone else. I am sorry if what I have said seems harsh, I do understand your urgency, and you don;t have to wait forever, just take the pressure off a bit. Good Luck.
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