| A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: I'm in a troubled relationship. It's unhealthy, and we don't know what to do.We met through a mutual friend (who had been a very good friend of mine for years, and played mwith my bf in a band back then). We got along great. Five months later, and we were dating. The first six months went perfectly. He had warned me however he was a very jelous guy, and with good reason. After we had been together for six months he asked the dreaded question: "Were you ever involved with the mutual friend who introduced us?"The answer was yes, I had been in an on and off friendship with benefits with him. Back then, I was crushing on that friend, but he liked one of my friends... I didn't care, and we kissed, and some other stuff (NO intercourse... I only gave him oral sex once really). We only had like 4 encounters anyway.I knew my BF would leave me or at least react badly enough to ruin the relationship if I told him the truth. Plus, the FWB had happened 3 years ago... but I still wasn't proud of it and discussing it made me uncomfortable. No one knew about it! So I lied and told him nothing had happened. He didn't buy it so I had to come clean and hell broke lose!Eventually, after some lying on my part ad some heavy pushing on his, I told him about my whole past. Which in reality I still think is not THAT bad... I never slept with anyone because I was a virgin until i was with my boyfriend. The only thing is I made out with guys I didn't like, with guys whom I had just met and with one man who was 13 years older than me. But I only made out and had no feelings or relationships with any of them. I was having my fun. I didn't want the hassle of relationships. In highschool no guys ever liked me or asked me out, so I had my fun elsewhere... sure, maybe it was out of low self esteem, but that was my problem and no one else's... I do think that I should've respected myself a bit more, but that's what I learned from it. So my BF judges me an awful lot about it. He has called me names, although it's always in th heat of the moment and he always regrets it and apologizes afterwards. But he can't handle my past.We really don't know what to do. We both love each other a lot; we even want to spend our lives together. But now, we are just confused. He knows he has a problem, and that it's not my fault, he actually told me I'm a great woman and that he shouldn't care about my past, but that he can't help feeling angry. He doesn't know why, he thinks he fears something but doesn't know what exactly. He says he'd like to overcome it, but he isn't sure if he'll ever be able to do it. wehave tried breaking up, but neither of us can stay away from each other for too long. Maybe we're not strong enough? I don't know.I mean, wehave a great relationship, this problem comes every once in a while, but when it comes it's nasty. We've become more attached now, but we've also fought more often. We know we hurt each other but don't know what to do, really.Well he has a past too. Of course he has more experience because he's 3 years older than me, but still hasn't had that much experience as I initially thought. He only slept with one girl, one time, before he had sex with me. She was his first GF, they only lasted 3 months together, and she cheated on him. Then he dated another girl (but they weren't a couple) and she cheated on him with several guys. Aside from that, he had short lived relationships with other girls who also lied to him. His father abused and abandoned him, so I think his emotional issues may stem from all this.He says that he knows these issues he has may arise in future relationships so I shouldn't take it personally. He says he doesn't wanna leave me though, that he wants to make it work with me. The thing is, I'm sure if it wasn't because he was friends with my ex fwb, this wouldn't be such an issue. He says sometimes when we're having a good time he just remembers and he thinks he projects his own fears an anger at me, so he blames me for something he knows is HIS problem.I really don't know what to do. Call me a fool if you may, but I really love this guy more than anything, and want to be with him. I know I wouldn't have trouble getting other guys... but I don't want to. My BF is such a great man, but he just sabotages himself, hiding his light. I know he can grow up and heal from whatever emotional issue he may have from before, and be a good boyfriend. We want to try and make it work. What can I suggest for him to do? Can we reach a point of healing this relationship? Is there hope?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2008): Normally this would be a guy you need to get away from. However there is a SLIGHT hope because this guy knows he has a problem & that it needs to be fixed. You guys need to go to therapy for awhile as because his problem requires a large change in his personality. If you love him its worth a shot.
A
female
reader, happytochat  +, writes (3 March 2008):
To put it in one sentence, your bf is abusive.
His jealousy is controlling (very bad sign), he calls you names, makes you feel bad and guilty about your PAST, makes you not feel proud to be who you are, he doesnt accept or have respect for you, which he should, despite what you have done in your past. He taks his anger out on YOU and blames you for things. This is not ok. Abusers often blame their partners. And he also has double standards. Why is it ok for him to have a past of sexual partners but not you???? This is not fair and your bf is being very insesnitive and controlling and well, abusive.
When he 'warned you' he was a jealous man, he wasnt warning you for your sake, he was doing that to make you scared and to threaten you. He was doing it to make sure you dont talk to other guys and so on, it was his way of intimiating you so he can have power and control in your relationship.
You mentioned you have/had low self esteem and little respect for yourself at one point. I bet you any money that your bf knew and could see this, thats why he 'targeted' you, thats what abusers do.
I know your probably thinking ive got him all wrong as you love him and see a lot of good in him. I'm sure he can be a loving bf at times, but just at times isnt good enough. Hes showing signs of abuse now, and my bet is, it will only get worst, UNLESS he seeks professional help and stays away from you. I dont think its a good idea to continue in this unhealthy relationship while he seeks help. He needs time alone to deal with what ever issues he has, so he can have a healthy relationship with you.
You may be thinking or hoping that you can change him, but you cant sadly. Its something he has to do with a professional.
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A
male
reader, Kawika  +, writes (2 March 2008):
 What I am about to tell you is probably not what you want to hear, but I think it must be said. POSSESSIVE AND JEALOUS GUYS ARE JUST BAD NEWS. I have experienced my share of these type of people. Some of which I consider my friends and some I've arrested. They will bring you down BIG time. Soon enough, they will tell you not to leave the house, unless they are there with you. If you should even glance at another male out of curiousity, his insecurities will seethe him in anger. He will prevent you from going out with your friends...and God forbid if one of them is a "male". He will continuously interrogate you "Where did you go!?" and "With Who!?" He will jail you in your own home just because of his insecurities. His attempts to CONTROL you is his only measure of security...and should you resist, physical abuse is the only option he has. You may have gained a boyfriend/husband, but you will ultimately lose your freedom. And, should you decide to leave him...he will not go away easy. Be prepared for some major resistance and drama. He may very well be a Great Guy (my friends are also too), but let me ask you this..."Are you willing to sacrifice your freedom?" Because you will have to.
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A
female
reader, dearkelja +, writes (2 March 2008):
 Your boyfriend put you in a very bad position. He so wanted to know something that he couldn't handle and I'm pretty sure he knew this. Unfortunately what is done is done. He doesn't sound like he has the emotional maturity to handle your past maybe due to some issues around trust he seems to have.
I'm not saying you should share details with a significant other but certainly being able to say virgin, not a virgin would have been sufficient. No good can ever come with anyone ever knowing the details, it just plays tricks on your mind.
I do not think this relationship will have any staying power unless he is able to completely work through these trust issues he has with himself. You certainly do not deserve to have your past slung at you like you're some bad person. Perhaps you could talk with him calmly and tell him that this has to end. You're sorry you told him anything and for the sake of the relationship working out, he needs to be a bigger person. If he can't it will continue to be a BIG sore spot for you.
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