A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:This question is probably directed more towards the guys. I am pretty sure I already know my answer but I need a second opinion.Here it goes. I've known this guy for about 3 years now. We have been more of a friends with benefits situation since I always blew off anything but just hanging out late at night(I've never been the commitment type). It was always a little different though from other guys I would hangout with. Most of the time it is just filler talk about work or sports until things got started and I dipped out right after. But it's always been a little different with this one. We talk about family, friends, the future and the most off the wall stuff. The conversation is always a little bit more intense and things between us always feel more intimate too. So normally I don't really read into things because I've always just written off most of what he said as lines or just bs. But things have changed lately on my part. I feel like a total cliche and I am so angry with myself for feeling this way, but I think I'm falling for him. I get sick and feel like I can't breathe when I think about him and just get this heavy feeling in my chest. So enough with the sentimental crap, I just need some insight. Normally I would totally not even give this two thoughts because we don't really get to see each other. And not that I am defending him but the guy works 50+ hours a week and it's a mix of first and third shifts so I understand that his schedule is a joke. And I work 40+ hours a week in retail so my schedule is all over the place too. It makes it a little tricky to get together. So I get that he is not a normal 9-5 with time to spare. So I'll end this novel by asking of it sounds like we will be perminatly stuck in a friends with benefits situation or could there be more. I don't know how men's brains work. As if there could be some sort of hope how do I bring it up with out scaring him away for good?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2014): My relationship started off as fwb. After 4 months of this i confest to how i felt about him and he said he'd like us to try at a relationship too. Ive never looked back. Where very much in love and i really think hes the one! Only
Advice i can give you is to be honest with him and make sure each of you knows where the other stands. Good luck!
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (21 May 2014):
 I think too that if he had wanted to upgrade you to something more than FWB, he had 3 years to do it , plenty of time. I think he's happy with the status quo and does not want to change it. That things after 3 years feel a bit intimate, and you don't talk just about ,say, best sexual positions, well, call me old fashioned, but I'd say that in 3 years that you have sex with a person, albeit occasionally, a certain ease, a little intimacy and mutual confidence is bound to develop , it HAS to develop-it's just human. If nothing else, because otherwise things get too boring and mechanical.
So I would not read much into your " intimate " talks and I would not expect for more than what you've got.
Then again, of course you can tell him. YOu can ASK him if he's ok with giving a shot at dating. Why not ? This is what you want and in life, often if you don't ask you don't get.
I don't think he'd run away screaming in fear, what should he be scared of ? that you get to date him without him knowing ?... At most, ( and very probably, alas ) he 'd tell you that he is not ready for committment , or that he likes what you have already , or some other platitude which means : no dice. But at least you'll know where you stand, and you will be able to make an informed decisison, whether to call it quits and look for a relationship, for a change- or, deciding that what you have already , and which won't change, it is still better than nothing. That's up to you.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (21 May 2014):
 Well the truth is that RARELY does FWB work out to be more than that.
If you tell him how you feel and he wants more then he'll be game... if he didn't want more it won't scare him off but he will make it clear that there is no hope of more and then it's up to you to walk away if you can. If you stay after he has told you he does not want more than FWB, it's on YOU to not hurt when he leaves you for someone else.
The thing about FWB is, when done properly (if there is such a thing) you are FRIENDS who sleep together... and he likes you enough as a friend but you are not the "ONE" for him. and NOTHING you say or do will change that. Sadly so many women end up as FWB or worse "fuck buddies" with a guy and fall for him and think that they will fall for them the say way... or that they are "lying" to themselves.
they aren't. they are just being honest but the girl does not want to hear it and can't understand why 6 months or a year later the guy not only leaves her for someone else but it engaged to that girl within a year....
I think you can tell him you want more than FWB and be prepared for him to hedge his bets or say no...
then it's up to you to decide if you want to torture yourself by still seeing him KNOWING he does not feel that way and you can't change it.
It might be best for you if you tell him how you feel and then IF he does NOT return your feelings, find a way to end the FWB part of the friendship..... staying as FWB and continuing to have sex with him will only hurt you....
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2014): It's not likely to turn into anything more. If he wanted you to be his girlfriend then you would be. Harsh but probably true.
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A
male
reader, thoughtsshared  +, writes (21 May 2014):
 We can't help falling in love and it's very difficult to change our feelings. You might want to schedule some time away together. If it goes well you could say something like "we should do this kind of thing more often". Give it some time to see if he feels the same as you.
He might like the flexibility of what the two of you have at the moment which doesn't mean that he doesn't feel you're compatible long-term. I don't think its time to have big relationship conversations, especially if you've only recently started falling for him.
It's difficult, but try and distract yourself from thinking too much about the two of you as it will only make things more difficult.
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