A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I had a recent experience with a girl who is a "player". She is very beautiful and always attracts men. She toys with them, encourages them with flirtatious words, all the time saying they are not her type, even as they get their hopes up. I, myself, was entranced by her for a while. But what I think ultimately saved me from becoming enmeshed in her web was that I told myself I would never have any sexual relationship with her unless I was in love or married. Somehow I was able to think more clearly because I never engaged in sexual talk with her and tried to view her objectively.So I got to thinking about how so many relationships are clouded because of sex. I mean, we read on Dear Cupid about all these issues that come up AFTER two people are already involved deeply or even married. Perhaps if sex were put out of the way we would all be able to build a clear relationship to discover what we like about the other person as a person, rather than what he or she has to offer us physically. Maybe a lot of heartbreak could be avoided.I am not preaching. I'm just asking. I know many people would say sex is an integral part of any romantic relationship. I am just proposing that in waiting we might discover so much more about the other person and the relationship that would save us heartache in the future.I welcome your thoughts.
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female
reader, sirrenity7  +, writes (10 January 2011):
 I agree this is a very complex question, and I actually just posted something very similar (before I read yours ;))
Personally, for spiritual beliefs (Christian) I do think that sex should be something shared between a married couple. Although, this is not whats most popular and far from what I've practiced or had the desire to practice up until I was saved. I have a friend who I've been seeing for nearly 6mon and we in fact have had sex twice but none more and continue to see one another on a regular basis with the absence of sex. Our relationship has been built on the foundation that sex isn't an nessity nor an issue. But honestly I do in fact desire to have sex but just don't act on my feelings, nor does he initiate. This continues to concern me as to what is going on, but I'm forced to conclude that we're getting to know one another as individuals instead of sexually. I also have to add that I'm in fact not use to this or have I ever experienced this. He's 37 and I'm 30 if that means anything, and we enjoy one another's company and both have a desire to be married, we don't discuss this much but as I said we spend alot of time with one another. I also have to add that what I feel for this man is something I've never felt before, and I feel in my heart that this is due to the absence of sex.
To answer you question yes, I do think sex can wait, and would more than likely contribute to a lasting marriage, without the distortion of feelings sex tends to cause.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2011): iv only ever been with my partener of two nd a half yrs now and have never even had a bf before him, im glade i waiting for the person who felt right, i knew from the first time we starting getting to know eachother but waited a year before going out and we didnt plan to have sex it just progressed and came naturally.i think as long as it truly feels right you shouldnt b afraid of what might happen you just got to be sensible and know what u want
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2011): This is actually a very complex question. There have been studies done on this particular topic. Although studies don't necessarily prove anything, they can give us a lot of hints into what is going on.
A recent study can be found in the APA about this. They had just over 2000 couples fill out assessments about their marriage, love life and when they chose to have sex. Although there are some questionable details, the finding has generally shown that couples that wait to have sex have stronger marriages and relationships. If you really want to read more deatils about the study - I suggest you check out the American Psychological Association's Journal of Family Psychology.
However, other recent studies are saying that one night stands can turn into successful relationships!
However, as for my own personal opinion I think it all depends! I feel that delaying sex can be beneficial. Not because I think it's bad to have sex with someone but because I think we really need time with someone to know what they're really like and what it is we actually feel for them. Sex tends to create desires that may cloud our thinking at times. Therefore, if we postpone sex, we really could save a lot of heart ache!
I'm not saying it's necessary to wait for marriage per se, but just delaying it long enough to know if you're really into this person or not can be helpful. Thinking like yours really would be beneficial in our (especially the young) population.
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A
female
reader, petina1  +, writes (7 January 2011):
 I totally agree with you and it is one of my 'bug bears', especially moreso with younger people. Sex first, babies, then everything else after that, sometimes ending in heartbreak and single parents. For someone y our age you are very mature in your thinking. In my youth we tended to go out with someone for quite a while, then engaged etc, planned career, marriage house kids. But some fell along the way, we looked down on them. But if everyone followed in some kind of order then maybe relationships would fair better. It's all backwards way round now isnt it?
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