A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello all. I have posted before but feel like I can explain a little better now that I have calmed down and found some new answers.I am a 22 yr old female. I have been seeing this guy for a little over a year. When we first started close, I rejected his wishes to become bf and gf. I was at a really busy point in my life and felt so anxious, and didn't think it was the right time to add a bf. Well even though I said no, he kept coming around and we grew close and developed a very tight bond. It was also known , and acknowledge by both of us that we were only seeing each other.As time goes on,I start to want more with him but I became a little bit annoying. I was at such a dark place in my personal life and its almost as if I wanted him to fix whatever I was feeling(which was not possible) Because of this there was distancing going on. At the end of the day we were there for eachother but a lot of arguing started to happen. Let me add that we lived almost an hour away, and with our schedules mostly saw eachother on weekends by this point.I felt hurt because I felt like once I was ready, he was distancing himself. I felt he wasn't there for me anymore and felt sort of used. I said very horrible things to him...I called him a loser and put him down. I had demanded me come work things out with me because I was going insane but he refused (he thought it would end up in a fight). I was so mad that he was not there for me that I started just going insane. Looking back now it had everything to do with the living situation, financial, etc. I was very needy at the time and it is not who I normally am. I also think that is why I freaked out, because I was mad at myself for being that way. I would text him really nasty things etc.Well he text me telling me he was thinking of me, but I never responded because I was pissed. That was the first time we went a week without speaking. Eventually things got a little better, despite the situation still being bad. We started seeing each other all the time again. Fast forward to the beginning of summer, Things changed dramtically for the both of us. Although we are both young and things are not perfect, He got a new job, I moved into a peaceful place that I love, I don't worry about finances anymore, and because of our personal lives clearing up things started to go better.He started meeting new guys at work, which I encouraged. He has filming experience and they asked him to join their company. He went to one of his first events and I was so excited for him. He told me it was some hotel banquet of some sort, or a grand opening.The next few days something felt off to me, and I did something I have never done. I looked in his phone, opened the texts. I found out the event was actually a bikini contest, and he was in contact with one of the models. The texts really were not suggestive at all so but I still got pissed off about the lie and possibility of cheating. I threw and broke his phone. He explained it all, that he was going to meet with her because there were more events and he could make more income. She told him she had connections, etc. Also that he knew if he told me what kind of event it was, that I would freak out. I still felt a little odd about it all.Literally a week after that, I look in his phone to see if he still was texting the girl. There were no odd texts at all. No odd phone calls at all. I go to his pics and I see something that shocks me. First off, I see a random girl and him making out, and I also see a pic of a girls bikini bottom. On top of that I see a pic of the girl from the bikini competition saved in his phone. I ask him what is going on and he freaks out on me. He gets angry. The whole day he tells me the pic of him making out with the girl is before me. I just KNEW that was not the case so I didn't let it go. He waited until he was basically cornered(because he couldnt fool me). He told me yes it was NOT before me, but it was months ago. He told me it was a girl he knew from high school. They bumped into eachother, their intention was to hang out. She called him asking to go to the beach and they ended up making out. He says he did not have feelings for her, but he was confused and wanted to be happy. He told me that me at that time always putting him down, saying horrible things and screaming pushed him away. He said it made him sad and he just wanted someone that would listen...which she did. As far as the bikini contest pic, he claims that was revenge. That makes no sense to me, but he says he did it to get me back for the fights and me not believe him about not having something going on with her.At this point I don't even know what to believe. I obviously kicked him out. He is staying with friends. I cant believe he lied, and even if that fling was months ago...why are the pics still saved? He claims he just "forgot" to delete them. I just don't get it. He has been calling me the past week crying, telling me he didn't tell me because he didn't want to hurt me and knew it was wrong. He also says he was hurt because I refused to be his gf. Even then we were exclusive. It hurts me because it makes me wonder if that was during the time that I was calling him to be there for me and he was ignoring me. I am not intimidated by the girl at all, because she is very trashy and not attractive. To me it is more of an emotional thing, which hurts more.He keeps begging to get back with me to prove it to me, he keeps telling me that I "touched" him in a way that he doesn't feel someone else can. But then why cheat? I had a really bad phase, but why couldn't he understand that my life was absolute shit at that time? Why was his answer to cheat? I just don't know what to do, I still love the kid but I want more insight. I have friends that tell me it is not cheating because him and I were not bf and gf, and also my own girl friend says that with the things I said she could see why. I would respect him more if he flat out told me before we decided to try to work things out. Please help me. I just don't know if this means he has probably lied about so many other things...
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2011): He's cheated twice already (that you know of). I would block his number and get tested for STDs (who knows what he could have given you). Why worry about when you'll get cheated on for the 3rd, 4th, 5th time and monitor his behavior because you don't trust him? There are good, loyal men out there and he is not one of them.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2011): Woah, I know you may love him and the idealistic, hopeful side of your brain may be responding to his emotional pleas, but honestly I don't think you can salvage this one. He disrespected you more than once and proved himself to be a lair and cheat. Why should you trust and be with someone who has lied and betrayed you? I bet he wouldn't if the tables were reversed. Would you have made out and had sex with two men because you were going through relationship problems?So you went through a rough patch in the beginning of your relationship and said some hurtful things to him. It may not have been the best way to go about things. He, however, behaved was much, MUCH worse. Instead of facing the problem and working on a solution, he distanced himself and sought out another woman. Likewise, the second time around, you argued about the bikini model (which he hid from you to begin with) and his response was to sleep with her? Sorry, but you're in love with a liar and a cheater.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2011): This is a tricky situation, but you did the right thing in kicking him out, one thing i think both of you were lacking in was good communication, you had your faults of insulting and putting him down, and he had his own faults apparently. He should have never lied about what the job was really, and to be honest,deep down he knew you would check his phone again, he left that photo there for you to find. IF you still truly love this guy, have him meet you in a public/private place where if things get heated you have a way out. Tell him you are going to talk, and he is not to interrupt you, get your feelings out and make sure it is known that you don't know if you can trust him again because you don't know what else he might be hiding from you. Then after you said your peace, then he can talk and get out his half of the story, and his feelings, your to listen to him, to what he's saying, you'll know if he's lying about something, and then tell him your going to take a few days to think about everything, and tell him if he ever loved you that he will not call for the duration of the time length you chose, to give you the space and time to think of everything. After that its up to you to decide whether you would be willing to take things slow to try to be together again or not.
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female
reader, PerhapsNot +, writes (1 September 2011):
 Fact: he cheated on you twice already. First with his HS friend and then with the bikini model. Keep in mind, these are two girls that you know of. There could be even more women that you're unaware of. In both cases, he made up BS excuses.1."He told me that me at that time always putting him down, saying horrible things and screaming pushed him away. He said it made him sad and he just wanted someone that would listen...which she did."Please! If he was was so sad and wanted someone to listen to his "problems", how does making out and taking cell pics factor in here? How did she listen to him, with her tongue down his throat? He just wanted to mess around and he did.2. "As far as the bikini contest pic, he claims that was revenge. That makes no sense to me, but he says he did it to get me back for the fights and me not believe him about not having something going on with her."You want to know why it makes no sense? Because it's BS. So each time you have some type of an argument about a woman, he can go off and sleep with her as a justification? Come on! He just wanted to have sex with her - that is all.He doesn't love or respect you. He has already cheated on you twice. You need to stop listen to his apologies and the emotional BS drill he is feeding you. Cut off the contact and ditch this loser from your life. If you forgive him, he will cheat on you again.
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