A
female
age
30-35,
*Dazzling
writes:This guy and I have quite a strong bond, and started going out in July. It started off great. 2 weeks later was the school ball. I did an incredibly stupid thing and didn't want to dance with him, because I'm a shy and I don't like to dance in front of people.. it's awkward. But then a couple of friends dragged me onto the dance floor and I danced with them. I don't know why I did that! :( He got hurt. I felt SO bad and was lucky enough to get a second chance.But now I've gone and screwed up again.Last night we somehow got talking about the subject of sex (I know for sure 100% that he is a good guy btw) and I said "I'm not ready but anyway I wouldn't feel comfortable doing that with someone who wasn't going to stick around long-term" and he agreed that he wouldn't either.The thing is, we're in our last year of high school and will go to different universities next year. He told me he didn't want to try long-distance because it's too hard, drift apart, wouldn't get to see each other in months-years, doesn't want me to feel like I'm using him, would be a burden to me" etc. Which is all very logical. But it hurt when he said "I think we should carry on now (non-sexual and getting along) and just stop at the end of the year and I'll let you go to ___ uni." It was like a definite "we'll be over soon" sign and I cried myself to sleep.Today I told him "It felt like I got dumped last night and I've been walking around with this heavy feeling." he said last night he was going to send another text with a certain 3 words in it but chose not to. I said "those 3 words don't make sense in this situation." He said "You think those 3 words are bullsh*t? That... hurts." And I said "No no no no I thought that when you love someone then you'd be willing to find a way to be with them no matter what, but it's just that you don't want to.. but I understand that you're trying to think logically about it." I guess we just have different definitions of love. Then we went outside and he said "If you feel uncomfortable with this relationship then you can change your relationship status on Facebook.. if you know what I mean" and he said I always make him feel uncomfortable and it's my fault again for bringing up the subject of our future next year.I'm so scared he's breaking up with me. He said after the dancing thing, now I've gone and let him done again by bringing up next year and not believing that he loves me. He said "everything I do for you is based on those 3 words." I know he cares! This hurts like hell. I don't want to lose him but I think I may have for good this time. :( What do I do?
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male
reader, Fatherly Advice  +, writes (24 August 2012):
 XDazzling,
I wonder if after 10 days you will appreciate an answer. I was just looking for a good question today . . . .
Any way your question is interesting to me because of the logical vs. romantic nature of the problem. Your guy is making typical young person mistakes. So are you. Your major worry is that you have lost him and you won't get him back, and you are wondering if there is a way to fix it.
The answer is easier than you think. You have done a very good job of explaining the relationship. He is in Love with you. You define the relationship an a very strong bond. Some how quite quickly you two have developed an emotional connection. By your report you are as close, emotionally, as many long term couples who are more physically connected. Quite frankly that bond is going to be very hard to break. I say that having recently watched some parents try to break a strong emotional bond. This is not going to shatter on a few foolish mistakes. With that reassurance lets go on to discuss those foolish mistakes.
First you are doing one thing right. Holding off on sex until you are comfortable with the future of the relationship. That is solid thinking. Planing for the future is also a good move. Thinking that the future is set in stone is the mistake.
You two have a year to work this out. changing things now based on what might happen in 12 months is the mistake. He is making decisions based on the best information he can find, but not on all the information. He hasn't seen a long distance relationship that worked. The do exist. Mine was one. The key is commitment. If he is ready to say "I love you" and he is upset that you don't believe him, then he is 90% committed.
Now having said all that I have to say that most high school relationships break. Summer loves especially. But that is no reason to stop now. Nor is your college future. Let me put it bluntly: I'm going to die. I know that because everyone does. So should I stop living now? no! I'm going to keep doing, keep caring, and keep planting trees that I may never sit in the shade of. So you and him need to stop worrying about next year and think about living today. The best way for you to get what you want is to strengthen your bond. I don't mean sex or honey trapping, I mean deeper and stronger trust.
With enough trust you can do a 4 year LDR.
Now one final thing I think you should hear. He is probably more emotionally mature than you. His advice to change your status is good advice based on my perception of your readiness. You should be dating more than one person. Many young women in your position would not be able to, because of the emotional bond.
In other words I think you are bonded more strongly than you are ready for.
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