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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: I have been with my husband for 5 years. After having two children and dealing with my weight issues this past year, my body has definitely changed. My husband sat me down a couple of nights ago and I knew something was wrong. He told me he didn't know how to say this to me so he just had to come straight out with it. He told me he loves me but is no longer attracted to my physical appearance/my body's appearance, and does not know what to do about it. He was nice and supportive about it, wasn't rude or anything so I guess I can give him credit for that. Obviously I'm upset but I understand his issues, I mean I've not really been happy with my body lately either but I try not to dwell on it. But now I'm upset all over again. As far as I know, my husband does not want to leave me, but I'm wondering how we can make our marriage work if he is not attracted to me? Our sex life will never be the same after this. I do not want to stay in a marriage of my husband is not happy, but I don't want our kids to have to go through a divorce. Please help, what would you do if you were in my position?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2015): I have not had a baby but I have had men comment negatively about my appearance and it was awful. I think to carry and birth a man's children and for him to comment on how he feels about the way you look is selfish. Only you know what he is actually referring to and how it makes you feel but a real man would know how to love you and encourage you to feel gorgeous. To feel gorgeous - not to fit some ideal standard that he secretly or not so secretly has in his mind. You will need time to absorb his comments and for you to develop a firm stance on his behaviour. I hope the comments and advice here help. Personally I would find what he said irreversible. A while back I went through a phase of not being able to wear my bra because of painful water retention and bloating - sometimes I went without one it was so bad and other times I just wore a crop top vet bra. It was winter so I was able to hide under big jumpers and coats. I knew it was temporary due to medication change so I didn't want to invest in a load of new underwear and sure enough I am back to normal again now. What was he worried about? He started to make comments that breasts sag when women didn't wear a bra ( errrm like he was an expert!). He never said "your breasts are sagging" but he might as well have done because he didn't care about my health - he was worried about potentially having to put up with my sagging breasts - how awful for him! I dumped him not long after that because I realised he was more bothered about the way I looked than literally anything else. Some men are just like that I'm afraid... but not all because the guy I am with now is bothered about me the person and our sex life is just an added pleasure.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2015): OMG he says it's not your weight but your body in general . You have had children!!!!!What the hell does he expect. You need a good lawyer for your divorce and then a good counsellor to help your self esteem and stop you justifying the father of your children putting down your body. You can tell him from me and all other mothers that we don't appreciate jerks like him judging our bodies against women who have never even had a baby !!!!!Also, if either of your children is a girl there is no way I would let him near her to damage her self esteem and stare at her teenage girlfriends because he thinks that's a normal woman's body !!!!!!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2015): Am totally in agreement with the anonymous woman who posted asking is it really a weight issue or is he unhappy with post-pregnancy changes, which are going to happen to most women.Are you obese? Do your favourite clothes no longer fit and you feel sluggish and unhealthy? Only you know yourself.... if you did gain a lot of weight during your pregnancies, I know I gained so quickly in mine even in the first couple of months, it was like a stone or something so quickly, then get yourself onto a healthy eating and exercise plan with him. If you have been unhappy with being overweight then now is the time to do something about it. But do it for yourself. Someone said about making sure hubby does his share of childcare so you can take care of taking care of YOU. Yes, totally agree with that.I don't agree with how he did it and said it though. Bang out of order. I wonder how he would have reacted if you had the same issue with him and had been quite as harsh and direct.I was with someone who nitpicked, he found faults with my body and pointed them out as "jokes". He did it a few times, luckily he was not my husband, just a boyfriend, so I walked in the end, because the hurtful comments about my breasts being too heavy, too big, not pert enough, my skin having some blackheads, my tummy being too big..... they stuck.. and some stuff I couldn't do a THING about, like my big breast... and blackheads keep coming back. All the time I tried to understand why he could say such stuff to me.. I later realised he wanted to hurt me and was an insecure jerk. I couldn't look at him any more without thinking of the comments, that was the problem.So if your husband is picking at you about stuff which you CAN'T change.. then that's really a different matter altogether.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2015): It's all d ends on wether he was referring purely to weight gain or was he talking about the other natural changes that happen to most womrn after babies and are not able to be changed without surgery ? To me there is a massive difference . If it was purely weight AND you feel unhappy with your weight he can watch the kids while you work on that If it other things like stretch marks sagging breast etc I would seriously leave !I have four children with q man who complained about those exact things. I could have gone down the surgery route and tried to please him. Tried to keep up with aome image of how he thought a woman's body should look. No doubt his viewing of young women in pirn influences what he expected from a 40 year old mother of several children I chose divirce instead and couldn't be happier . Incidentally he is now with a woman who is heavy yet has no children and constantly tells me he wants me back. Men can have pretty screwed up ideas about what a natural healthy woman's body looks like after babies. I wasn't overweight yet wasnt good enoughSo which is it ? Just a weight issues or something to do with you giving him the greatest gift in the world . If the later . He is NOT a good partner and needs to work on his own delusions and expectations of women's bodies !!!!!
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female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (6 July 2015):
 What's odd is that he sat you down and told you that he's not attracted to you but then did not offer some plans or solutions to help you two come to some new stasis.
It's one thing if the issue is you gained 10 or 40 lbs. It's entirely another if you gained 100 lbs with each baby.
Is it weight? Is it something else?
If I were in your position, I'd get myself to my doctor ASAP to get assessed for health, then I'd go to a nutritionist to make sure I was eating the right food, then I'd go find a workout that works for me.
And I'd make sure that he's taking care of the children while I go off and do what I need to do to improve my health.
I would be totally honest with him and tell him how you feel about your sex life and the situation.
And I would do what I needed to do to improve my health.
If he's expecting a size 00 with no body fat and no stretch marks after 2 pregnancies then he needs a reality check.
If you are a size XXL and more than 40% body fat.... well, run to the doctor tomorrow!
The thing is that everyone ages. It's how you deal with it that matters, isn't it?
If you are a size 2 after having been a 00 then your husband is an unrealistic jerk; in that case, there's no reasoning with him and it would be a top priority to get to a really great divorce attorney to ensure your children and you are in good shape financially. There's no reasoning with a person who has unrealistic expectations.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2015): I am the one who created the post and I just wanted to comment. Yes I am attracted to my husband. I am not one who judges on physical appearance so I guess him and I are different in that aspect. It did really hurt me but I could tell for a while now that he may be feeling that way. I'm torn as to what to even do or think about the situation which is why I posted on here. It's not so much just about weight, I think it's my body in general. My body was never super model like, but after two kids and I also have had weight issues this past whole year. He did not really go into detail but it seems as if it's my body in general, not just my weight. I have had issues with my body image since my first pregnancy but like I said there are things I have no control over at this point so I try not to get too depressed about it. I am under a tremendous amount of stress at the moment with this.
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female
reader, jls022  +, writes (6 July 2015):
I have to say, I think that what he said to you was pretty cruel. Of course I know he can't help how he feels, but you've given him 2 children within 5 years so of course your body is going to have changed! He could have tried being a bit more supportive with helping you get back into shape rather than straight up say he doesn't find you attractive any more as that's most women's worst fear after having a baby, but what's done is done now I suppose.
If I were in your shoes and I wanted to get back into shape (for me as much as for him) then I would make him step up to the plate and really help you. Tell him to pay for a trainer and nutritionist for you, or even a gym membership or selection of fitness DVDs if money is too tight. Then he needs to look after the kids every time you need to train. He has to support you by eating the same as you are so he is not flaunting unhealthy food in your face, and he has to help you more with the work you do around the house too because you need to focus your energy elsewhere.
Seriously. If this is so important to your husband that he has to sit you down and imply that your marriage may be at risk because of your post-pregnancy body, then this is super important and he needs to do everything he can to help you fix it. After all, he helped put the babies in there didn't he?!
It also might do him good to start exercising more himself incase you start noticing his squidgy bits once you are smoking hot again... ;) All the best to you.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2015): My first question is are you attracted to your husbands body or appearance? If not maybe you should tell him to create an even field. Secondly although you say he wasn't rude there are plenty of ways to encourage someone to exercise or eat healthier without saying "I don't find you attractive". If he is trying to save your marriage then maybe this is the incentive you needed to make changes you already wanted to make. That is the thing that YOU wanted already for yourself. My ex husband once said to me that "he didn't think of me in that way any more". It crushed me and was just one of the things I didn't recover from.
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