A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi Aunts and Uncles, I'd like your advice/to hear from your experiences about whether someone who cheats can change their ways. My bf and I have been together 5 years, and I recently found out he's been texting random women explicit pics/messages (from an adult text dating service) on a secret cell phone - he says he hasn't met any of them, just fantasised about it, I believe him on this. But 1 year ago, I also found out he was sending/receiving similar texts to a female work colleague, who has since left her job (again, he says nothing physical happened). At that time, we split up (his choice, I was sad, we stayed friends), and got back together 6 months ago (his choice, saying he couldn't live without me). He started using these adult dating text services 3 weeks ago, and tells me he was bored and lonely. I've told him I need time to think about whether I still want to be with him, and he seems devastated. Has smashed up his (secret!) cell phone, seems really depressed, says he feels he's messed everything up and all he wanted was for us to be a family... I love him and want to believe him, but would I be a fool to? How do I make sure he's learnt from his second mistake? How do I make sure he's not going to do it again? Advice appreciated.x
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male
reader, Fatherly Advice  +, writes (2 July 2009):
 It appears that he is sincere in his apology. He is distancing himself from the temptation. He was right when he said he messed things up. He did, it hurt. What you do next is between you two. He is probably not a bad person. I never liked the word incorrigible. On the other hand You should be fully , eyes wide open, aware that your man has a weakness. He gets a thrill out of talking to strangers on line. It's at least a kind of emotional cheating, that can lead to physical cheating. We all have weaknesses. Im diabetic and lactose intolerant, but some days I just have to have ice cream. I know I'm going to pay for it, but the temptation is great. Usually I make a bargain. I want a big ice cream sundae, but I can be happy with a small diet ice cream treat. Can you see where this is going. Can your boyfriend trust you enough to call you up and say "I'm really lonely and horny, And I want to go on line"? Will you threaten him or can you offer him a bargain. Like "I'm busy right now, but call me tonight and we'll talk dirty" Or whatever you two decide. Whatever you do you need to keep an eye on his weakness, and absolutely no "secret" phone. Some people will say I'm being unreasonable but real long term relationships are built on trust. You have to trust him not to cheat and he has to trust you to help him and not abandon him lightly.
FA
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2009): Generally no, repeat offenders can't change their ways. Yeah they're great to be with when everything is going well. What happens when the going gets a little tough? Almost all of the time the repeat offender will fall back into the habit of cheating. If you really truly think he might be the love of your life, you can consider taking him back. It seems pretty disgusting he'd do that though if he truly loved you. It's pretty disrespectful. That's just my opinion though.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2009): (Original poster) Thanks for this reply - I can forgive him...I just don't want it to happen again!x
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