A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've been asking for a lot of help lately, I certainly need it... I'm going through a separation right now. I'm moving out tomorrow after my marriage has seemed to have fallen apart. I'm devastated. I'm angry. I'm sad. I'm all over the place. One minute I think we could still work out in the future. The next I feel we should give up completely and accept this as the end. I bought a book recently about keeping a marriage together. I think it's called Getting Back Together. It explains that separation can really help a marriage. That time apart can make you both grow on your own and realize your differences then can come back ready to reconcile and be happy. It mentioned that 80% of successful marriages have had a separation of 2 months or more. Nothing legally done with lawyers, but just living separately I suppose. I want to be hopeful about it. But also don't want to get my hopes up and be let down later. I don't know how long to wait. I don't know how to go without talking to him. I don't know how I'd deal with him moving on while I feel we will reconcile. I just need advice about it. We both want to end up together and want the marriage to work, but it's proven that with me staying we only argue and it gets worse. The idea of separation as helping us gives me hope. But also scares me tremendously. I don't want to move out and I don't want to lose my husband, I can't help but feel that's what is happening. Any advice would be appreciated. Thank you. Ps whenever I ask my husband or read the book for some amount of time it says you have to wait to see. I can't imagine living in the place I'm moving to for a very long time. But the idea of getting an apartment makes me feel like we would never get back together, it seems so permanent.
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (3 August 2013):
 My grandparents lived separately the entire time I knew them. They were happily married, though in separate houses. They'd live as if they were dating, but they were married. That's a very rare occurrence, but they were that way from the start and it worked between them. I asked my mom why they did, and her answer was that they felt they had a much better and richer relationship when they lived on their own.
In your case, given your follow-up here, it sounds like unfortunately, your marriage is ending for good. Instead of your first post that said "we want it to work", it sounds like YOU do, but he is indifferent. Doesn't bode well especially for people as young as you.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2013): I too don't believe in trial separation. Either you are all in or else you're out. the problem with trial separation is that each spouse may come to different conclusions. One spouse may miss the other during the separation and realize they want to stay married while the other may prefer being apart and decide they want to divorce. That does nothing to resolve anything one way or the other. You're back to square one where the marriage is on the rocks and needs a decision to either proceed with divorce or a plan to reconcile with both people on board with it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2013): to be honest I have never understood how a couple who both mutually want to make the marriage work, need to separate to make it work.
The way I see it, a separation is called for when one or both people can't stand each other and it's is the only way to get relief from misery. In that case, during the separation, at least one of the partners (such as the one who wanted the separation) would tend to emotionally move on because being apart is such a relief, and NOT want to get back together since getting back together ends the relief.
if both people want to get make it work, then why even separate in the first place?
Needing and giving space in a marriage is NOT a separation. A separation means you are living apart and testing the waters to see how it feels to be leaving the relationship.
Giving each other space is very necessary to repair a troubled marriage but does not require living apart. I mean, if the only way you can give each other space is to not be living together then surely that means the marriage is not going to work??
Maybe I am confused as to what is meant by "separation" versus just giving someone more space. To me, the word "separation" is very clear, it means living apart with the purpose of emotionally cleaving from the other person. It is one foot out the door of the marriage (with divorce being both feet).
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (3 August 2013):
 I think it can work if you BOTH want it too (as in you BOTH want to get back together) and IF you both set rules for the separation. As in. no dating other people, how much contact with each other and so forth.
For the most part I thunk if a marriage comes to the point where you NEED to separate to BE together.. there is something really broken.
I also think that you are clinging to a hope that it can work out. Which I admire, but in the long run, YOU can only do so much, you CAN NOT fix a relationship/marriage by yourself. HE has to be willing and working on it too. From what you write he is really done with it and might have been for quite a while.
Sit yourself down, make a plan, a budget and figure out how to go about moving on alone.
*hugs*
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2013): Sweetie, when you couldn't include a description of his contribution to make it work; it was easy to see you were drowning, and he wouldn't throw you a life-line.
He wants his freedom. He even left the house to show you he wasn't kidding.
I do recommend that you just get out there, and socialize a little; because it will be necessary in order to meet people, and to make friends. Break out of your shell.
You don't have to hangout in bars. You can join support groups, or a gym, and make yourself visible. You can't face the world alone. That's why you're afraid. You stayed at home in hiding. You can't live that way, and be an adult.
Homebody-life is for lazy people. You're too young for that.
Don't get caught-up in online dating. Being passed around from one kook to the next. It ain't about him now, it's about you.
You need to build a support-group of friends. You clung to your husband for dear-life. He isn't going to let you smother him to death, and cage him like an animal.
He isn't totally wrong about that. He has rights too. He's young, and he tried to live like you. It just doesn't work for him. Nor too many other people. Hiding from the public makes you socially inept, and lonely.
You need a structured environment, like a classroom; or learn a hobby that most girls aren't interested in. So you'll be the only girl in the class. Pamper yourself a little to fight depression and to feel pretty.
You need to know how to maneuver your way around men; without depending on them.
Learn that you can do whatever they can do. That boosts your confidence. Take a wood-working class or photography.
Don't spend money. Look for free classes.
No dating for a few months. You're too vulnerable right now. You just need men to boost your confidence and self-esteem. You must realize you are still attractive to men, but learn to be your own woman.
Prepare and you'll do fine. Done fear being single again.
It's just a new beginning, my dear.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI know you are right about his indifference. I went out and bought a book to work on us, posted numerous questions on the site, talked with friends, cried... I have yet to see him do anything. It appears very much that he wants me to leave. He says he will get upset after I'm gone, that it hasn't hit him yet. I don't know.
We separated because he is far too social and an extrovert and I'm a homebody and an introvert. He married me knowing this, he tried to be more like me and someone he isnt and stayed home etc for years to make me happy but ended up unhappy and the state he is in now. He says he has been unhappy for awhile, pretending to be someone he isn't, I am just realizing who he really is as a person, he is not who I married. He has been talking to tons of people he hasn't talked to in ages, going out every weekend, that sort of thing. He also has no emotion and doesn't express feeling at all, and I am emotional. Those are the issues that started the fall of the marriage. I married him knowing the emotional issues, but he played himself off to be quite different than he is now. I would have never married him the way he has been. Which is probably why he faked who he was for so long.
A month ago he left the house while I was at work and left a text message saying he was done with the marriage. He returned a few days later and since then it just isn't working with any amount of talking. My emotions piss him off and he says he doesn't want to deal with it, his lack of emotio
ns piss me off. And also him going out until 3am on the weekend drinking as his new hobby.
The book said to separate and then in time start to talk again. As if time apart will help you cool down and so every conversation isn't a fighting match. I am feeling we are too different and the marriage is hopeless. He will say that with time separated he will get his thoughts straight. That he will be able to decide how social he needs to be and get things in order then we come back together and work.
And we have been to a counselor. He doesn't believe in it and wouldn't spend the money on another one, I couldn't afford it on my own. The counselor told us in the last session that it appears moving out is the only option at this point. And he said sometimes marriages just don't work. I miss who he was. And have hope for him to come back and that this is a phase or life crisis.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2013): It takes the concerted effort of two people to work it out in a failing marriage.
You speak in the first-person, and I have yet to see the word "we." Only...I...I...I!!!
Your feelings are in flux, only because deep down inside you know you really should let him go. He's making no effort and playing on your discomfort. Letting you squirm.
People shouldn't fight for marriages that are full of dysfunction, abuse, repetitive cheating, or to keep an indifferent spouse. These are hopeless situations.
They say you can recover from cheating. That is psycho-babble and good reading; but I call it bull-sh*t!
What good is it living in a perpetual state of insecurity or distrust; and wondering when they'll slip again? You shouldn't have to develop an emotional complex; based on someone's infidelity. One slip is all you get here.
You have to develop the mindset that you can take care of yourself. No more co-dependency or denial. You wouldn't be in such conflict, if you didn't know deep inside there is no saving it. He obviously isn't offering you the encouragement you need to want to make it work. He's being a prick with that "let's see" attitude.
You're showing weakness and vulnerability, hoping he'll feel sorry for you. CUT THE CRAP!!!
It isn't working for you, is it? He's being a total dick, and you know it.
I suggest that you just allow the marriage to end and to seek counseling to deal with the grief and loss. You need to rebuild your strength; and to believe you can survive on your own.
Your marriage didn't work out, and it beat you to a messy pulp. You wouldn't have separated, if you could survive living in that house with that man, as he is.
He has no intention of changing. He'll wait you out, until you weaken and come crawling back. It will be more of the same.
You'll just return as a quivering, beaten, defeated version of your former-self. Scared to face life alone; and ready to live in hell.
You can't even use the collective-pronoun "we" in your post. What has he don't to make you believe he is willing to change? He is laughing at you and your little book.
You couldn't say it; because there is no "we." He hasn't shown the willingness to do anything more than avoid the expense of a divorce, and dividing property. That is evident of his wait-and-see attitude.
If he wanted it to work, he'd be doing what you're doing.
Going out of his way to show you he wants it to work.
Gather your strength. You're going through with this divorce. You're going to rebuild yourself into a stronger woman. You are going to show him that you can survive, make a decision, and stick to it. There isn't going to be an easy ride for anyone.
This is a way back to your freedom and independence. It's scary, but in time you will see.
You're stronger than you know. Tap into your inner-strength and give it all you got.
kick his "indifferent" ass to the curb.
List what you consider signs of hope, and I'll eat my own words.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2013):
You need to sit down with him and clearly line out what happening . I.e something like this :-
Okey we agree to 7 days no contact ..
After 7 days, we start sending a good morning how's your day kinda text and a goodnight text with the plan we meet that weekend and go out for dinner..
Week 3 we have two dates nights a week and one weekend together
Week 4 we sit and evaluate where this is going and how we feel ?
By week 6 you should be back at home ..
May I ask what the underlying issue is .. I mean what's causing the arguements?
You do not want to spend huge time apart . A marriage is compromise and hard work from both sides. It is not always a bunch of roses ..
6 weeks is long enough and no you shouldn't get an apartment . Move home if you can .. You need support as well., but unless you give a little more to go on its hard to say if a separation is good all round .
Take care x
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (2 August 2013):
I think that whether or not separation is a good thing depends on the reason why the marriage got to this point. It also depends on the personalities and goals of the married couple.
I can only speak for myself. I don't believe in the concept of trial separation. My opinion is that it puts it much more at risk of introducing a third party into the mix, such as a girlfriend or boyfriend. I've seen many times on here where during a trial separation, one or the other spouse goes out and has sex with other women/men. If it was a long-time affair that was discovered that busted up the marriage, then what would a separation do but give the cheating spouse more and easier access to the Other person?
In my humble opinion, if both of you still want things to work, stay together and go into extended, long-term counseling. Invest the time into unraveling and sorting out the breakdown. It's more painful and the tougher choice, but I think it's more thorough. A marriage (like a car) never gets fixed by simply leaving it in a lot for a couple of months. It gets fixed by getting your hands dirty, diagnosing the problem, and spending the effort in fixing it and replacing the old parts with the new.
I've heard other people's marriages ultimately benefit from a trial separation, and I applaud that. Some people simply get so emotional that they must disconnect from the situation or their rage keeps them from trying to work through things. The separation is more of an extended "cool-off" with ongoing counseling.
Separation for punishment's sake (i.e. "he needs to be alone for awhile to make him feel some of the pain he inflicted on me") is no good. You might make him feel the pain to be sure, but how will he assuage that pain? Again, I've seen that happen too, and it many times involves hooking up with someone else.
If arguing and fighting constantly is the issue, and you haven't been married wrong, I wonder if you're compatible with each other. A lot of times, that sort of thing means someone's not listening, and personality types are clashing, and the fight itself becomes more than the petty issue that sparked it.
Either way, counselling, separation or not, needs to be maintained, because just separating, going off on your own....how on earth is that of any value to staying together?
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