A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my partner 8 yrs, married 2. I discovered he was having an affair about 6 mths ago - at which point he ended it with the OW (he'd seen her on and off for 1 year). I know their connection was emotional as well as sexual - which hurts me deeply.I also feel that I understand what lead my husband to cheat - on some level anyway.We decided to stay together and work on rebuilding our relationship/trust/closeness and my husband has done alot to demonstrate his committment to this. On one hand I want so much to believe he does love me and want to be with me - but I feel so insecure now and can't seem to stop thinking he is fooling us both. On the other hand I worry I can never really forgive him and that we won't be able to move forward from this. Can marriages really recover from/improve after infidelity? Am I kidding myself?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2008): Yes i'm the male anon. I do love my wife i just have an urge to mate with other women. I protect and provide for my wife and children. You are living in cloud cuckoo land if you think youre husband/partner doesn't have these feelings. Maybe he masturbates over porn whilst you ain't around. I decided that was repressing my urges, so plumbed for affairs, the woman always knows the score and there is no shortage of takers.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2008): To the male reader who posted immediately below:- Can I ask why you are still married or why you even married in the first place? You seem to have missed the point of marriage completely. You might love your wife but you are not in love with her because otherwise you wouldn't be having affairs. To say that you have a need to sleep with other women is in the male psyche is just a b*llsh*t excuse to try to justify what you are doing.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2008): I've had several affairs after being caught once early on in my marriage. After first being caught i too pretended to be interested in repairing the marriage, then when the time was right returned to my old ways. I find a NEED to do this, its in my male syche. Some men do porn, i sleep with other women.
Saying that, my marriage is stronger, just that she doesn't know what i get up to.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2008): It CAN work and grow stronger. It has happened before and it will happen again.
But for it to work, you have to dig deep into the nature of a person, and learn to forgive the one who strayed. Look at WHY they strayed and then see if a solution can be reached to prevent that happening again.
On the flip side, the cheater has to trully feel remorse for the hurt that they have caused. Have to trully WANT to be redeemed. Trully WANT that second chance, and should they get, work hard to use that chance wisely.
You cannot stop the hurt, but doing more hurt out if Spite and vengeance. It just makes an already painful situation worse because with the dark pleasure of getting someone back, comes the feeling of filth that you could stoop so low for a single person.
Flynn 24
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2008): It's good you've talked over this and presumably he has stopped seeing the other one.
It's natural to feel hurt when your loved one has wanted someone else. Tell him, but not too often, how you are feeling now. Don't put any guilt onto him as that won't help.
Congratulations on getting this far. Keep confiding in each other and if there are any problems between you, talking about them. A lot of couples can't do this, so I feel you have done well.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2008): Of course marriages become stonger with affairs. I recommend couples having them at every opportunity. The best poliicy is to be open and honest with your partner and try not to give then any STI's.
I think you should have an affair, as just one person experiencing the pain and humilation gives an unbalanced view.
Good luck
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2008): If thats the case affairs should be encouraged. I'll ask my wife tonight to have one. Think about it, where does the statement come from. It comes from the hurt party so they can save face when they are amongst their peers. 'our marriage is stronger than ever' its to save face!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2008): Youve got to be kidding. If they improve after an affair, why isn't it in the marriage vows ' i promise to shag other people'. Get real, youre down right now, and you think it's your fault, your self esteem is at rock bottom. Pick yourself up, chuck his clothes out. Then take time to rebuild yourself. Then eventually get dating again.
God Bless
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2008): I don't think you are kidding yourself, some marriages do get over things like this and they become stronger because of it.
What you are feeling is entirely normal for what you are going through. You need to give things more time, I'm sure your husband has equally conflicting thoughts going around inside his head.
People deal with these things differently, but I think it is important for both of you to work at the marriage.
He needs to work to get your trust back, and prove that he is committed to only you and that he will never do something like that again, and you need to be able to accept what has happened with the aim to forgive him and put it in the past.
These two things need to happen if you are going to get past this, and for the marriage to become strong again, but like I have said, it takes time so do not worry if you feel you will never be able to trust him again, or will never be able to forgive him. See it as improving in stages, it won't just be fixed over night. Appreciate the subtle improvements. Have you considered seeing a marriage counsellor? Sometimes, but not always, having a non-judgemental third party can really help.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2008): I am experiencing exactly the same thing..except that in my case it is my wife who had the affair. All I can say is that it is not easy but probably possible. I dont think I can qualify myself as an agony aunt here. But just know that you are not alone and I will be watching the responses from people on this..
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2008): If you can determine the problem that sent one to have an affair, and the one cheated on can overlook the indiscreation, then yes, a marriage can work after infidelity. It won't be easy for you, your needs will have to be disclosed and he meets them. It requires honest and open communication, caring and comassionate and non-judgemental communication. If you have this, you can overcome the bad, for working as a team is what keeps a marriage together in a trusted bond.
Good luck!
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