A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Is it possible to date an ex and have it work out the second time and lead to marriage?My ex who broke my heart 5 months ago is back and wants a second chance. He says he loves me and i never stopped loving him. We dated 8 months and broke up when he started pulling away and trunning away when I caught him having a phone/Internet relationship with a woman in a different county. (they never met in person - but I felt betrayed because he was emotionally cheating)Thoughts?
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2012): He hasn't dealt with or approached his BEHAVIOUR. Is he willing to commit to counselling to address his behavouir of 'needing/using' other women and date sites, sex chat to get aroused? Its a symptom of a serial cheater. With serial cheaters, they LIE and tell the woman they target ANYTHING to get them to be in their life. Its not based on love but using a woman to fill a need.
couples Counselling for him and you to address this about him. He has an addiction to sex I imagine.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2012): keep reminding yourself of WHY you broke up. Remember how he was having a relationship with another woman and he didn't come clean instead you caught him? and then his response was to run away. And all this was just 5 months ago....
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo how can I walk away from someone I love who says he loves me? I tried to date in the 5 months we were broken up and no one compared to him. He says the same about me and claims he had learned his lesson.
He is from a different country where arranged marriages are acceptable and he's 5 years younger than me. Not making an excuse but have to acknowledge he has a different world view.
What should I do?
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A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (31 January 2012):
from what I've seen, there are some likely scenarios for getting back together with an ex:
1. It works out the second time around because you have both changed for the better. You have learned from your mistakes, you have improved your relationship skills or gotten personal issues resolved or better managed, or your attitudes and beliefs have changed. And, time and space has allowed old wounds to heal and self-introspection and forgiveness to take place. All these things usually take a long time to happen, some times many years. people don't change quickly. If you had broken up a long time ago, and ever since then you have both had new experiences that have changed your attitudes, or have grown past your old mistakes, then there's a chance the second time round can work out because it would be more like a new relationship not just a "more of the same."
2. When people break up, then get back together fairly soon and get married, it usually means the marriage is going to be unhappy just like the pre-breakup relationship was. This is not a new relationship the second time around, it is just a 'more of the same.' In this case they might as well not have broken up at all but continued on their unhappy road into an unhappy marriage. Marriage is not the end of the race, just the beginning of a new chapter so getting married in and of itself doesn't say anything about what will happen in the years and decades afterward. There could be a divorce further into the future, or it could just be lifelong unhappiness.
In your situation, I don't think you should get back together with your ex. I doubt he would be much different after only 5 months so you'll probably be having the same issues occur again.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2012): Yes, I believe in second chances and I've personally known people 20+ years later marry their highschool sweethearts after reuniting with maturity and experience they have under their belt.
Your man is not a teen and his character is set. He knew what he was doing and the adult consequences..this is not his first rodeo.
I know you are hurting right now but to take him back will not show him how forgiving you are and how much you are willing to trust him again. It will just show him what little you think of yourself and what level of disrespect you tolerate. The message will be that cheating is not a dealbreaker, no matter what he agrees to not do.
Why think marriage about a man who can't keep it in his pants for a mere 8 months? I believe you have a lot of work to do to raise your self worth and your boundaries and you won't find happiness in love until you do.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2012): If the behaviour or habit is still present, it won't work. He has to demonstrate he addressed this weakness about him and that would be through counselling.
What people don't realize is that emotional cheating, online converstaions, flirts, sexting, web cam sex are sex addict behaviours. So cheating will follow.
Much how a sexual predator flirts with working his way up to commiting his crimes. They start small and safe and and secretive until they perfect the art and then continue.
Maybe people don't like this comparision but it is one in the same. Its the SERIAL behaviour and that is the same for sex addicts.
So, I'd ask him if he is seeking professional therapy to address that before thinking of taking him back. Otherwise you are just going to replay the whole 8 months over and over.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (30 January 2012):
 I too believe in second chances, if the right conditions are met. But in this case I don't think the right conditions are there. Like already mentioned, he cheated on you. Doesn't matter if he never met her in person, he was having a relationship with her, dedicating his time, emotions and love to HER, rather than to his actual relationship. That's cheating. That's two timing and backstabbing.
Knowing this you shouldn't be surprised if he does it again. And knowing that he is likely to do this again you can't really trust him. And without trust there isn't much to build a relationship on.
You're looking for someone to eventually marry. This guy couldn't give you his full attention for 8 months without straying and looking at the grass on the other side. So what makes you think he'll be able to commit to you for the rest of your lives?
Use your head on this one, and don't think with your heart or emotions. Imagine your life with this man to be exactly like your 8 month long relationship was. It wasn't good enough back then, so what makes you think it'll be good enough now?
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A
female
reader, chickpea2011 +, writes (30 January 2012):
 Hi,
This is how I feel ....
1) Yes, I do believe in 2nd chances.
2) Yes, it can work and be a happy, successful relationship.
3) Truth is that he was cheating on you. Rather if it was physical or emotional, cheating is cheating. He was dishonest and he lied to you.
4) I do believe that people makes mistakes, also believe that people can change.
By reading your post, I think you are very aware of your situation, so that's good. Means, you are a smart lady, and you are thinking in a clear mind. Now, it's up to you if you want to give him a 2nd chance, and can you let yourself trust him again? It has been 5 mos since the break up, sometimes losing someone makes you realize how much they meant to them, maybe this is your ex case... Trust your gut feeling, and follow your
heart.
Good luck/best wishes
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