A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:When I was 15 years old I met a girl and we became very close. We were best friends for about two years and we fought about petty shit the way teenagers do. Her and I were never romantically involved and we both always claimed we were “straight”. We had a few instances of making out but nothing ever went too far. At the time I was very in denial of my bisexuality and I threw myself into being boy crazy. There were a couple of times throughout our friendship where she more or less told me she liked me romantically but I pushed her away. At that time in my life I was incredible selfish and honestly kind of an asshole. I didn’t treat her well, I lied to her, I was just overall not a good influence to be around and she eventually told me our friendship was over.After about 6 months of not speaking (we were 18 at this point) I apologized to her repeatedly but she never forgave me for the things I did. To be honest I don’t blame her at all. It’s been years since our friendship ended and to this day I still think of her. I’ve dated a series of men and a few women throughout my life since and I’ve been married and divorced. I would love to be able to let her go and stop thinking of her but for some reason I never can. I’ve been dreaming about her at least 4 times a year for the last 9 years. I don’t understand why I’m so hung up on this specific relationship because I’ve never been hung up on another the way I am on her. I’m not actively thinking of her but my subconscious always brings her back up. Here’s my question: can I reach out after 10 years and apologize again? I would really like to give myself some kind of peace but I don’t know how to do that. I also know when we stopped being friends I broke her heart. I stopped reaching out to her because I didn’t want to hurt her anymore. I haven’t reached out since because I’m afraid her rejection will hurt me. Do you think anything good will come of me reaching out to her or should I just leave well enough alone? Has anyone else ever had an experience wherein they couldn’t let someone go, and they really didn’t know why?Thank you!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2020): You sound like a nice person but you are not being honest with yourself. This is not just about wanting forgiveness, you want to find out if she is happy, if she is settled with someone, if shes misses you. You are hoping that something will follow.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2020): Yes, I do think you should reach out. There is nothing to lose by offering an old friend a heartfelt apology. You have unfinished business with her which is why you keep dreaming of her. You want to set things right and I do think you should try to do so. I have been bullied by so called friends in h.s. and if any of them reacjed out to apologize I would be grateful
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2020): Typo corrections:
"If I had to advise her, instead of you, I would tell her to offer you forgiveness."
"Perhaps the guilt is just a reminder of how you should not treat people from now on."
P.S.
I said "letter"...not email, not text message, not IM!!! A handwritten letter in your best penmanship, on lovely stationary. Place it in an envelope with a stamp, and mail-it! That takes time, you have to put your heart into it, and it's much more meaningful.
She may finding it touching, but useless. That's her prerogative.
Be prepared to move on, and enjoy your life happily ever after.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2020): Frankly, I don't think you need to interrupt her life at this point; just to ease your guilty-conscience. Her life has changed immensely in the course of 10 years. Just as yours has. I'm not harshly judging or condemning you. It's admirable you care, and wish to make good of it. Just be sure of your motives.
Re-entering someone's life out of the blue, after parting on less than amicable terms; can sometimes reopen wounds. Maybe you'll get a very negative-reaction; and then again, some will just wait. They'll draw you in for their vengeance. It's better to test the waters first.
If you know her mailing-address; compose a short, but heartfelt letter of apology. Briefly explaining that you expect nothing more than forgiveness. If that isn't possible, you'll understand. You really have no choice!
Offer your phone number, if she cares to call. If you don't receive a response; then leave her alone. By now, she has someone in her life. Nobody needs long-gone acquaintances just dropping-in out of the past. It causes drama and trepidation. You don't get storybook-endings. This is reality. Any scars left, may have finally healed.
Now let me address your personal-emotions. Forgive yourself, just in-case you don't get a good-response, or nothing at all. If I had to advice her, instead of you, I would tell her to offer you forgiveness. Yet to keep her distance. You can't always pickup where you left-off; and if she still has any emotional-scars, it would be better to have nothing to do with you. I would never, in good-conscience, advise anyone to withhold their forgiveness. That is unchristian. People have to learn and always remember, there are consequences to our actions; even if you're 15 years-old! If you're old enough to be cruel to someone; you're old enough to know better. Treat others as you would want to be treated.
Start off by forgiving yourself. You've sat on it for 10 long years. Maybe stuck at home under Covid-19 restrictions has dug-up past memories; or you're looking back in retrospect. While reminiscing and recapturing our schooldays, it is always better to try and stay with the good-memories. Coming out of the past, and just intruding on the lives of others on a whim, perhaps, out of guilt, starry-eyed notions, or with any ulterior-motives; is usually a big red dump-truck full of drama! It has to be handled with the utmost of care and consideration. Well thought-out!
The letter gives her an easy-out. It has to be sincere, or don't even bother. She has no responsibility to undergo your "test" to see if she still has feelings for you. That time past 10 years ago. You apologized back then; and that was really enough. If it was insincere at that time, one now would be short of any credibility.
Check your ego. Refusal to forgive you, or her rejection, may provoke retaliation! Take your dolls and dishes and begone! She didn't send for you!
Now you're alone, reaping what you've sown; and you want penitence for hurting her, to make YOU feel better about yourself. Perhaps the guilt is just a reminder of how you should not treat people from now. That's all.
Try a letter, and then move on. She's not waiting after all these years for you to come-around. If she has, woe unto you!!! I'd be a little weary of someone I've hurt; and still waiting for me with open arms after that long!
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A
male
reader, kenny  +, writes (14 August 2020):
 Do you want to reach out to her after a decade because of the way you treated her all that time ago?. Do you want to reach out in the hope that it will make her feel better, or make you feel better?.
I think that the majority of people including myself have some memory of what we think is a relationship at this age. This is now all in the past, a distant memory, and I think that is where you should leave it, in the past.
After ten years do you even know where she is now, her contact details. She could be settled into a relationship, be married, or even emigrated, who knows.
I think its important to forgive yourself, yes you hurt her, but it was a long time ago. I'm sure she has moved on with her life, and I think that you should too.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (14 August 2020):
 Start by forgiving yourself. OK, so you were a bit of an ass when you were 15... trust most people are to an extend. Though some more than others, and with the drama that was an undercurrent of some romantic interest and what have you... it's perhaps not so strange that it went the way it did.
You NEED to accept that you were an ass and hope that you have learned to be a better friend and person since. If yo have, you "deserve" your own forgiveness.
As for her, I think you should leave her alone. She has no doubt moved on from you in those 10 years and is a totally different person too. A person who doesn't need your apology or acceptance. She needs to be able to just live her life without digging around in "old trash".
She doesn't OWE you a "I forgive you" or friendship either. Only one who can really forgive you, is you.
But if yo are dead-set on reaching out, I have to ask you to FORMULATE and EXPLAIN the real motive for wanting to do so. (to yourself at least and BE honest here).
If you hope she will want to be friends again, or that she will be pleased for you to come back in her life or even see you as a romantic option or WHATEVER, you need to consider that life (in general) doesn't revolve around you. YOUR life does, but not hers.
Let's say you reach out and she tells you to GFY, or who are you, now? what then? Can you handle that? Would that "help" you move on?
If you HONESTLY and TRLUY just want to say, hey, I feel I owe you such a bog apology for being a total twat to you when we were younger, and I don't expect anything in return, I just want it off my chest. OK, that is nice, but that really ISN'T for her, THAT is for you. Because YOU feel stuck and YOU feel bad.
So before you do this, think about your own motivation for doing this, would it even benefit her?
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