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female
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*estiny
writes: I met my friend in the same company. He's a very outgoing person, very friendly to everyone. We are pretty good friends (at least that's what I feel). We can keep on chatting many things and have a lot in common. Maybe because he's a lot older than I am (15 yrs), he seems to understand me always. It's very comfortable to be with him.I have a boyfriend too. We have been going out for many years now. There had been ups and downs, but we still managed to hang on to it. At one point, or points, we've been almost breaking apart. But other times we still really are about each other.Until one day all of a second, I found that I'm interested in my friend and being attracted by him. This really strange feeling that I'd like to be close to him, not that I really want to be his girlfriend, but I always want to see him and just be with him, and make sure he's well.I don't know if this is love or not. Mainly because I still really love my boyfriend. But can love be compared? If I love 2 people at the same time, can it be judged that who I love more? And what is this strange feeling that I have?
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reader, schlottjl  +, writes (25 September 2005):
First be very, very careful. For the record I must say that if you every want a relationship to work out, you must give up deep friendships with the opposite sex (unless gay). This is because any time spent in intimate talk with anyone other than your love, is time spent sabatageing your love life. If you can't get what you need from your lover, then give them up before starting with someone new.
The reason for all the above is to stay out of the trouble you now have. No one can answer for you who you love more. However, if you are not willing to give the bf up, then begin to distance yourself from the friend at work. Don't allow the conversations to be about anything but what everyone can listen too. No special time.
If on the other hand marriage is important to you and if you don't feel any closer to that with your currant man, begin to make arrangements to leave him.
If you stay with bf:
You will know if your relationship is worth it and will see more clearly what you have been doing. Have you been loading up the line up so you will never be alone? Has the relationship been going wrong and you have decided it is all about who your with and not who you are? (very important question)
If you go for the friend:
You could have miss judged the relationship and could end up alone. You could do great but if it doesn't work out, work could be uncomfortable.
Keep adding more to the lists I started for you. But if it is true that you don't really want to be romantic with the older guy, why do you continue to pursue him? Could it be that you are unhappy at home and just want to see what is out there?
That last one is my bet. I think that it is tough to let something that has been there for you so long, go. What if you just told the bf, that you are not sure why you are together anymore, that you love him but need to move forward in life and that if he really does still want to see you he can call and ask you out but if he does not and others do, you might just go ?
Too often these days, life and dating gets complicated when we skip dating and go straight to monogamy. If that lingers and goes nowhere we are stuck with an all or nothing situation.
You are not married and if you want to ever be, it is time to shake things up a bit. If your bf is truly in love, letting this linger with no commitment is destructive. If you want an earthshattering love life, you need to make the men you date standup and notice that you will not settle for a maybe and will continue to date until they are more sure of your value in their life.
So it seems to be decision time. And that is more likely to be the problem. Once a commitment is made though, never allow it to be weakened by continuing to play the field. As you now know, there is no such thing as "the One". So yes, you can make a great life with many guys but never at the same time.
Remember you will be okay no matter who you choose, just decide on the relationship you are in first; it is only fair.
Good luck!
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