A
female
 ,
anonymous
writes:I am 33 years old and have been spending time with a gentleman around my same age. A mutual friend introduced us to each other and he indicated to her that he was interested in me...but he was going to take it slow. It's been 4 months since we have been spending time with each other, he works night shift and I work day shift so our time spent is either when he is off or when I pop over to his job to spend an hour or so with him on his breaks. We have shared many personal things about our lives with each other, shared many intimacies and family issues. Like confidantes would. The communication between us ...at least I thought until last night was wonderful. I know a lot of couples who can't tell their partners half of what we told each other for fear of being judged.To go into all the things we have done spending time wise..is going to be too long to be here, but it includes taking me to do my errands even though I have a car of my own, we went to a play once and we talk every single day on phone messenger all day long. And I mean all day long. As far as physical stuff goes, we only hug and kiss each other on the cheek. And I have always found it strange that it never went beyond that during the 4 months that we know each other. I even twice asked him if he was gay.....he vehemently denied it and looked at me funny. But during all this time, I swear to you I thought that he was just a gentleman and was taking his time. I had a little feeling that something was up and asked him if he had a girlfriend and he said no, girls were interested but he did not have one at this time. So I was like okay...and we continued to have this amazing rapport with each other. I even got introduced to his mother last weekend at his insistence. I was avoiding it because well...you know how boys and their moms are.....I was not sure if she would like me etc. He told his mom that he met this girl ( me that is ) who he has this amazing rapport with and that he really digs her...I swear to you I really thought this was going to go into a full fledged relationship.Last night, we were having one of our daily marathon conversations and I decided to call him as I do from time to time. He said he was just looking up work ( this was around 10:30pm ) and that he would call me back in a bit. He did....and he sounded a little stressed. So concerned me asked him what was stressing him out like that and if he wanted to share it. He said yes...he has 2 exes. Both of which would like to get back together with him. And one lives away and he isn't too keen on that one. But he still has feelings for the one who is down here...whom he shared a relationship with for just over a year. He proceeded to ask me about what I thought about him getting back together with her...my opinions as a woman etc, as she has major trust issues and believes that he does not communicate well ...wants to know each detail of his day and if he misses something out that he thinks was not important, she would assume he is lying etc. Honest to heaven, even though his words and his question stabbed me like an ice dagger in my chest, my voice was all trembly and I just answered him like I would answer anyone. That in a relationship, you love the person for who they are...you don't try to change them (unless changing them saves their life), I asked him if he was sure he wanted to go back to someone who would be like that. He has stress at home, on the job, he would need a companion in his life to destress him and act as a peaceful place....if she has all these trust issues, then how is that a peaceful place to return to when the days are all stressful. He told me I made sense and that he was "so glad that I was in his life, that was the only person he could talk to how he does". The ending of the conversation was a bit awkward and that was it. I did not message him like I usually do at night until the wee hours of the morning.To say that I was torn apart is an understatement. I am gutted. I called my best friend who hooked us up and I couldn't even talk I was sobbing so much. She was just silent on the phone waiting for my sobs to subside. I don't know what to do or how to act around him. I had given him EVERY indication that I was interested in him romantically, even making sexual jokes here and there which he cracked up at.He says all the time that he is clueless and oblivious when women like him....mind you he has a slightly low self esteem, he's 31 and has a bit of a Buddha belly. My entire 4 months has been consumed by this man, it's been amazing how he makes me feel and how I feel like I am home whenever I am near him. I gave up a huge job opp...so I could be with him, because ....seriously...I swear this was going somewhere. How do I go from having that deep "expecting" friendship to...what exactly? We are meant to go walking tomorrow....how do I do that? I cannot be the same "me" that I was for the past 4 months, I am hurt, I am upset and I just feel like a fool for sharing these intimacies with someone whose intentions I got confused with. Everything he said and did....to me pointed to us eventually having a real relationship...we even call each other by affectionate nicknames we have for each other.This is baffling me....and I know he will be baffled as well because he always senses when my mood changes...I don't know how to deal with this. Can anyone advise me please? I just feel like I want to turn around and run in the opposite direction and forget he ever existed. I am not someone who can pretend or lie her way through a day to appear like if life is honkey dorey....this just hurts so much I can't be around him...but at the same time I feel like I can't just walk away from the friendship that we have cultivated for the past 4 months.I hope someone can set my head straight, cause God knows I can't right now, I'm too busy crying
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best friend, get back together, his ex, self esteem Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (11 September 2011):
 The last thing I want you to feel is that it's all your fault that it couldn't happen. However at the same time you should never take a man's word for granted. He needs to miss you, know that you have other options, maybe he had considered you but felt he doesn't deserve you. It's easy to feel rejected because you are not good enough but very likely he's the one who hasn't got it together. To look for rejection seems like some sadomachistic thing to do but being vulnerable is a part of being in love. I hope you can see this man being weak at this moment, instead of him being indecisive, inconsiderate, and selfish. You can move on better if you don't feel like you had been victimized.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Aunties and Uncle ( smile ),
Thank you for all your responses. Yesterday I decided to bite the bullet and be completely honest with him. He approached me first yesterday as I did not contact him at all as per our usual daily rapport. I just did not know what to say...so when he asked what was wrong, I decided to let it rip, tell him how I felt, what some of his actions led me to believe was happening between us and I also let him know that he hurt me and that I was upset. His response was that he never meant to hurt me and that he loves me more than I know and does not want anything to change between us. He apparently needs my laughter wisdom and caring and all that jazz. He says he does not want to lose me and if there is anyone that becomes his girlfriend, they will need to understand who I am in his life cause he has no intentions of giving me up, he started crying and asking me not to leave. Now I am not stupid...having your cake and eating is not MY cup of tea. He's made it clear he looks at me as a best friend and confidante, I want more....he's not giving it. I am backing off, the interraction that I had with him before is going AWOL as far as I am concerned. He's grown to be a good friend and perhaps he appreciates me as a friend, I don't discard my friendships easily, but for now, like I told him, I can't be what he wants due to my feelings for him. So...I'm moving on. Thank you Aunties.
P.S. Janniepeg - your words to me were this :You were actually betraying yourself by not telling the truth that you wanted to be with him. Instead you went around the subject and said it's not a good idea to go back to a woman who stresses him out. Who knows maybe she changed. But that's not the issue. You wanted him and you had the power to inspire a relationship out of him.
He asked me his opinion on an ex based on information that he gave to me, I gave my honest opinion, it was not advice given on vindictiveness because I want to be with him. And your comment about betraying myself, it goes deeper than that...no woman looks for rejection or likes it...and the fear of that stops many women from approaching the gentlemen that they like. I was scared..and that's human. So to make it seem that my rejection and him not wanting a relationship was my fault..is quite cruel.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2011): I'm sorry this has happened to you and he is not emotionally available for a relationship right now. It's a red flag when you are dating a man who makes no moves on you..I already knew he was hung up on someone else reading that. He should not have led you on but you should have asked questions when the sexual part of your relaitonship was nonexistent. He's looking for a friend and counselor right now to ease his pain and fill the void..not a partner or lover.
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A
female
reader, hot4shoes  +, writes (10 September 2011):
 Follow your instincts sister and run, not walk, the other way. This guy is confused and noncommittal to the point of nausea. I've never been able to understand men that can't make their minds up. I will say that if he wants to know your opinion about an ex he is not going to settle down with you anytime soon. DON'T take it personal though. He couldn't commit to the other women either. He's a relationship loser.
You're lucky the relationship hasn't progressed any further than it has because he will always be indecisive and not the kind of man you need.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2011): I would be open with him. Say you had both grown close and you hoped things would develop further - maybe you misread his intensions but you are a bit bewildered now. You have nothing to lose and at least if he says he is not interested in pursuing things with you, then at least you can move on knowing the truth.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (10 September 2011):
You should hope for the best for you, and that person doesn't have to be him. You are hurt because you invested so much and got little back. He doesn't know you want a relationship with him right now, he doesn't know you want sex right now, he doesn't know why you are hurting so much. It would help for you to just express your feelings, not to this intensity, but at least tell him what you want in life. Don't worry about crying so much. It is actually a healing process. What won't work is if you block and shut down. You shared a lot with him. You were actually betraying yourself by not telling the truth that you wanted to be with him. Instead you went around the subject and said it's not a good idea to go back to a woman who stresses him out. Who knows maybe she changed. But that's not the issue. You wanted him and you had the power to inspire a relationship out of him.
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