A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi, Me and my fiance are due to get married in July. It's now almost May and she wants to call it off.The problem started when we got engaged. My parents started treating my GF different in a big way. It became a big problem and I became depressed. There are other issues as well. Me and my brother fell out big time and it felt like the family was on his side although he did wrong. This caused a big divide and I stopped visiting people.We all sat down and my GF told my parents it was their fault and they needed to sort it out. Things didn't change. Now it's got to the point that my GF wants to call the wedding off because no one seems interested. She doesn't want an atmosphere at the wedding. She doesn't even want my parents there! I asked my parents why it was like this, my mum told me it was because my GF was so negative about things all time and my mum had therapy over her to 'cancel out the negativity'. My GF doesn't know this. They also said it was all my fault as I dont visit the famliy enough. I told them no one is interested in the wedding and again was told if I don't visit how are they going to get excited about it. Now I dont know what to do. It feels like it wont be sorted but I need an outsider's perspective. thanks[Moderators note] Email details are removed for users safety. If you prefer to contact aunties individually please register for an account and you will be able to access the sites private messaging facility. Registration is free and only takes a few minutes.
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depressed, engaged, fiance, wedding Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2010): Hey thereI think you are doing a good job. I think it is true to say you perhaps shouldn't visit without your fiancee. But, don't break contact. Call often, remember special dates birthdays and so forth. Never talk about your fiancee negatively, which I am sure you don't, if your mum starts to do this make any excuse to get off the phone and revert to letters that talk about everything wonderful. It is all well and good to say go and do your wedding alone but your fiancee may want her parents there. What about setting the wedding up and inviting the parents when the work is all done, booked and finalised? Is there someone close to your parents who would be able to put your side accross and realise how seriously this is affecting your health? Good luck I will follow to see how you go xx
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2008): If you love this girl then this is your life hunny and emotional blackmail by your mum does spring to mind as Ive had that alot in my life..My mother had a breakdown when I left home and took to her bed for weeks, You canot live with other peoples issues, My mother hasnt changed that much I give in alot and I do it for my father who loves my mum more than anything but knows her faults love...I love my dad very much but the arguments and silent treatment can be terrible and I dont want to pressure my dad with this so I let it go as he is no 82 and has cancer..You are young you have a life a chance with a lovely woman take that chance and be loyal to her and if your family canot see how happy you are and come around then you cant say you havent given it a chance love as you have, Your in the middle this is why your fiance is undecided love...I hope you work it out with love mandy xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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A
female
reader, lexilou +, writes (30 April 2008):
 Rebook the wedding and go off on your own if you need to and do it privately. You cant start married life off like this. At the end of the day its your wedding not the family's. If you allow them to interfere they will always do it. I had a massive row with in-laws at the wedding suit fitting a few days before our wedding - wont go into details as this is about you not me but it ended up with all his brothers and their wives and his parents screaming and shouting at me (26 weeks pregnant) in front of my two young children and telling me to get out of their son's life. A right mess. We sat down - eventually - and they admitted they were worried because they had seen him go though so much pain in his first marriage and thought I would hurt him. 5 years on and we get on really really well. So maybe your parents are trying to tell you something, do they think she is wrong for you? You need to explain that you have to be able to make your own choices in life even if they turn out to be wrong which Im sure it wont. Get some help with the depression too as it will only get worse if you bottle all of this up. Good luck and I hope you can sort this out soon x
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2008): I read both the replies and totally appreciate what you said.
I feel like my mum is being pathetic and placing the blame on me when it was her pushing me away. the therapy thing? i laughed when i was told! totally stupid.
The part about telling them to behave too.. I liked that and think i will use it.
the only bit i didn't like was the whole blowing things out of proportion thing. I dont. I'm so laid back it's unreal, this is the first time in my life i've even mentioned my feelings to anyone! i usually dont care.
way more went on but what i typed gives the idea of the current situation.
I did like though that you say they should respect who I choose. 100% agree with you. It's my life.
My love for her is not a question and I want to get married, i just dont want an atmosphere to spoil the day.
This bit is the problem though...
"if your family doesn't like her, well, don't go to their home with your wife. Period."
I think if they can't handle it I wont go at all.
Thats been the problem for 3 years!
I never visit.
I live 10 mins drive away and dont bother.
Her mum and dad live 2 mins walk from my parents... I still dont bother!
i will let you know what happens though.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (30 April 2008):
 Please excuse my being blunt; I hope you will appreciate my being clear.
It seems that blowing things out of proportion runs in your family. You seem to have serious conflicts going on, and apparently they come to the surface in disguise.
I think you are the one who is getting married. I would expect you to be sure of what you're doing. The family is important, but they should also respect who you chose for a wife, and they should mind their own business.
Your coming for help means that you are doubtful whether you should go with your family or your girlfriend. If you were sure that you would marry, no matter what, you wouldn't be posting this question.
If you love her, marry her. And then, if your family doesn't like her, well, don't go to their home with your wife. Period.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2008): Thanks for the reply Mandy , I appreciate it.
I'll try to answer a few of the questions so you know more.
My mum said she was too negative about things. Basically she's just opinionated about things. It doesn't bother me. Sometimes it's annoying but on the whole I dont mind. At least she talks! It really suprised me when I was told my mum went to see a councelor. She didnt tell anyone and now she says this is why she is so different with my GF. No one else knows this is why and I feel if I told my GF it would make it worse. My GF just wants an appology for all the hurt they have caused. Although it's got to the stage that I dont know if it's fixable.
The problem with my brother is a long one - we used to hang out etc. Even with his GF. It was cool. Then he started letting me down. It became more frequent. Then on my birthday a few years ago he let me down BIG TIME. He came up with a million excuses but they where all crap. So I fell out with him and stopped speaking. The whole family blamed me basically and kept pressuring me to speak to him again. I didn't. We are ok now but I still got the blame and it started a divide in the family and I stopped visiting because I was getting hassle over it.
We both blame my parents for not sticking up for me which caused the divide. I was so low at the time we had the meeting that she practically spoke for me. My parents obviosly didnt like it but i was too low to speak for myself at the time.
my parents dont visit me. I dont visit them because my GF feels so uncomfortable around them. I feel awkward about it all.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2008): Hi Hunny
The only two people here that need to sit down and talk are you and your fiance, Your mum went to therapy to cancel out your fiances negativity! How do you feel about your fiance? Do you feel she is negative? If not sweetheart then its a problem that your family have and if your fiance feels akward and feels there will be an atmosphere at the wedding its understandable why she is feeling this way at the moment, Its not you hunny its everyone around you. You dont give the full story as to the argument with your brother and why your girl thinks it to be you parents fault, Can your parents not visit you as well its a two way thing both family members putting in as much as each other meeting half way to sort a problem out...Your depression love was this down to the change in your parents attitude to your fiance plus this argument? And why the sudden change? Did this occur when you said you were getting married and how did this change? Im asking alot of questions sweetheart so it easier to understand, As I see it if your family care they will be happy for you no matter what as that is all that counts in life the happiness of each other. If you are happy that you are getting married I would have thought they would be happy for you, Your fiance feels cut out in some way love so to sort that problem out would be the most important one as this is the woman you want to spend the rest of your life with. Its hard when family come between you and your relationship to the point of your marriage been put on hold, So to know a little more would help to figure out why your fiance feels this way and why your family are digging there feet in and also the argument with your brother seems important, And your depression is also very important to sort out love so message me or write again and I'll help anyway I can...TAKE CARE WITH LOVE MANDY XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
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