A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I posted about this situation before, and would really like some advice on what to do. To the men out there, your take on this would be greatly appreciated! I met a guy a year ago online. I had decided to put myself out there after a taking a break from a couple of bad relationships. He was new to the city, and was looking for friends. We started talking online, and started hanging out in person and became really good friends. After a couple months of that, we started dating. Things were a bit rocky, he had been in a couple of bad relationships himself, but for the most part things were really good. The one thing that bothered me was that he had a problem with the "boyfriend label", explaining that with his past girlfriends. It didn't bother me too much because I figured that the way he acted towards me when he was with me would be telling enough. I did ask him though if he had a girlfriend and home or someone that he had feelings for, just to make sure. He denied this. Fast forward to one year later. After a wonderful Christmas holiday and New Year's Eve together, he suddenly called and said that he had something going on and would need some time to himself. He left this message on my phone sobbing. I was worried about him, and after a couple of days went to see how he was doing. The first thing he said to me when I walked into his apartment was that he loved me, my family and everything about me, and wasn't doing anything with anyone here or elsewhere. That immediately raised my suspicions since I had not even mentioned that to him, and had not brought it up since he had told me months ago that there was no one else. We talked for a bit and he assured me that he was ok, and that everything between us was ok. Then his phone started ringing. It was late, and I told him to get it in case it was an emergency....he didn't want to. It went to VM. Then started ringing again, at which point he said he should get it and we would talk more the next day. I left but on the way to my car realized I had forgotten my keys, so I went back to his apartment. When I got to his door I could hear him talking to someone, and he was talking to another woman and saying that he did love her and etc, etc. I was furious and banged on the door. When he opened and saw it was me and I told him I had heard everything he said, he started to cry. We obviously broke up, but have remained in contact. Before this happened he had become one of my best friends. I realize that I still love him. He has told me that he really did/does love me and feels very ashamed for what he did. He said that the other girl was a friend who had gone away to med school, and she was in a foreign country with no friends. They had started dating before he moved and he didn't want to break up with her when she was alone with no family or friends to support her. He keeps telling me that his feelings for me have not changed, but that he realizes that he messed up and that there won't be a chance for us. A big part of me would like to be in a relationship with him for real, and get to know him without any of the deception. How do I let him know this without making it seem I condone what he did? And, how do I know that he is telling the truth? I also don't want to be the other woman, and don't want to have to tell him to break up with his present girlfriend. Am I being stupid in wanting to try again. I always thought that my perfect guy would be my best friend and lover rolled into one. We talk every day, 2 or 3 times a day....I miss him.....
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female
reader, B123  +, writes (26 August 2010):
 Hi - although I am a woman I am going to give you my take on this and I hope you will not mind. I hope some or all of what I am about to say will be of some help. Forgive me if I come across a bit harsh! You say it wasn't until after a couple of months that things started to get rocky so I am guessing 6 months + or even after the 3 months mark which is when you REALLY start to get to know how the person ACTUALLY is...well that is prob when you guys entered the comfort trap. Were too much in touch with each other but still happy..until it got so-so and then the romance of your situation started to fade a bit. You took a step back to review your situation and probably wondered why things were altering since they were so great in the early days.I am going to cherry pick things you have said here which may shed some light on the outstanding issues: The one thing that bothered me was that he had a problem with the "boyfriend label", explaining that with his past girlfriends.Therefore if he had a problem with being labelled as your bf then chances are he was still a bf to someone else the time he hooked up with you to date. She was a foreign lady in the US...a European perhaps?? I'm European just so you know... and maybe she was still more vulnerable as she didn't know many people but chances are he had a big thing/crush for her... perhaps she was giving him the cold shoulder and he didn't want to accept her rejection of him so he started to date you to get over what was happening to him with her - he never broke up with her hence being odd with you after all a bf tells his gf I love you...and you overheard him telling her I love you...yet you got rationings of this phrase so what is awful about your predicament here is he lead you on to believe he was exclusively available for dating when he was obviously not and although you were really mature about it and gave him some time to consider who he wanted etc. he simply didnt know as he was not ready to date - you were a rebound date for him...and although I shouldn't write that and its not nice to hear it...its looking that way in my eyes. I have been there myself so I do understand your agony completely!Your gut instincts about being second fiddle to this other woman are sadly correct. I know you miss him but he has not been taking care of you or your needs even when things were good - in fact he sounds to me like a confused man. I had this problem myself the I love you but I am not in love with you line...He doesn't know who he wants so he keeps you all hanging as options and gives you crumbs of attention, mood permitting. One man has said here to become friends with him. I agree. But only if you can. I know its hard cos it feels like a demotion. I think you need to go cold on him. He needs to have a chance to miss you. This other lady I make a bet - she is never in touch with him and he is chasing her butt. I know you have proper feelings for him and its not so easy to switch them off but its his turn to chase you and he will providing you do nothing and lay low. I would try no contact altogether and act aloof. Get busy and stuff. You say here you had a breakup so try a bit of no contact and do other stuff during that time..You sound like a good intelligent woman who knows the answer to this problem already - the situation hurts. So if it hurts let it go..if its meant to be it will happen anyway over time. So give it time. I would stop talking to him altogether until he behaves himself. I know what I am saying won't please you to do but it may help your situation. Less is more. Sometimes, losing can be winning. If you reject him, he may even end up wanting you more...its a risk I would take and lets say he never comes back then why be upset. It sounds to me he is more into this other chick then you which sucks. So tell him you want harmony and peace back in your life and can no longer go out with a confused man - tell him if you want me then it has to be proper and exclusive - that you are not going to take second best. Give him your terms and conditions that way you are taking care of your own needs and happiness before this gets any worse on you. Look after YOU. Don't lose yourself in this situation cos its v easy to do so. You don't want to be with him until he knows which girl he REALLY wants. You don't mind who he picks (well you do but that is what you tell him)...and then say am off...While you are friends - go completely cold. Date others online - but dont do anything with them. Be aloof...try not to think of him....don't care so much about him UNTIL he does about you...until he steps up to the mark. He put you in the sidelines of the football pitch so you sadly have to mirror that. I have a rule about dating. If a guy sends you 1 txt you reply with 1 txt - give as much as you receive but not always..don't always pick his calls - miss a few! let him have YOUR VM! you had to suffer enough with his. Great things come to those who wait and do nothing. She who cares less controls the relationship..so maybe if you TRY to care less not saying to be devoid of caring..but if you care less about him then you are more in control of what is happening to you and let him go..grieve the relationship for what it was...but we all know he will be back again.. take this time to assess whether you want him or not if he decides to give up on her ladyship ;)It appears to me that you have emotionally connected to someone who is currently emotionally detached from you...I judge a man by his actions not so much his words cos they can tell you any old BS if it gets them what they want - a lot of the time they think of sex too. The guy who rings you more is usually more trustworthy. I have a hate thing about guys and txting. Basically its okay if it serves a functional purpose like be there in 5 mins! but that's all.I want to wrap up my answer with a fav saying I have for confused men after a breakup.. you can take the monkey away from the circus but one day that monkey is going to want to come back to the circus because he won't want to feel he is missing out on the action!!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2009): Not at all stupid in my opinion. Love is complicated and maybe he was telling the truth. People deserve a second chance. Starting over and becoming friends first was a very smart thing to do. Sounds to me like you are doing everything right, go for it! Good luck and keep me posted on how its going for you.
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A
male
reader, Jmonty78  +, writes (12 March 2009):
 I apologize as I am on my way out the door and don't have to answer this for you right now, but I am going through a situation that has a lot of similarities as yours. I will try to answer this later this evening, I know thats not what you want to hear. Send me an email to my inbox. I was going to send you one, however you are anonymous.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2009): If nothing at all be his friend! Go tell him how and why your feeling the way you are! he could have some1, but maybe not. Good friends are hard to come by! good luck!!
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