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female
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*xhausted
writes: I my boyfriend and I have been practically living together for the 4 months since we met. He and I spend nearly every non-work minute together. I love him. He says he loves me. He however is extremely jealous and paranoid and accuses me regularly of having someone on the side. He also accuses me of lying incessantly even on basic daily questions. He suggests I am "too happy" "too bubbly" "too nice" "too friendly" etc. so I therefore am a fraud. He embarasses me when we are out in public by physically distancing himself and/or not partaking in any conversation with other members of our party. He suggests that my kiss and hug 'hello' when we meet up with friends is overt flirting (if they are male). We are opposites (introvert-extrovert) and there are cultural differences as well, but his increasing paranoia and accusations are making me a wreak. I am crying more with each irrational accusation. I go overboard in trying to show him I love him and I am committed to him. His intense anger and paranoia often escalate into extreme verbal abuse. Is there anything you would suggest I do to improve the situation or should I just cut my losses despite loving the "good side" of him so much? Thanks. Exhausted
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2006): hey i agree with everyones point of view however I have my own. If you recognize their is a problem and by telling him he recognizes it, instead of dumping him and going the easy route. If you want I would seriously suggests couples counselling. If both of you guys love each not just saying it, couples counselling will not only allow you have a voice in how you feel on neutral turf but as well it will allow him to maybe understand what he is doing is not helping you become happy but instead making you feel crappy. In the end couples counselling is what I recomend if both of you want a healthy and different approach on your relationship
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female
reader, willywombat  +, writes (17 July 2006):
 Four months you are still in the honeymoon stage of the relationship! And he is acting like this?
You know what you have to do. If you didn't you wouldn't be here questioning the relationship.
Good Luck.
xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2006): Agreed with everything Irish and Bev say.
I'm not going to say "dump him" because I realise that things arn't that simple but I can tell you I've known a fair number of women in emotionally abusive relationships like this and it is tragic how things *always* end up.
You know how he critises you for being "too happy, too bubbly, too nice and too friendly"? Well these are your personality traits that you make you GREAT! and any normal, loving man would adore you for being this way, you surely would make a wonderful girlfriend - more girls need to be like you!
The longer you take his abuse, the more your own confidence, self-belief and strength will be eroded. He will reduce you to an emotional mess and depending on how things go, you will either break up hating everything about him and being bitter for the time you've wasted being with him, or you're be so emotionally broken down you'll stay with him because you'll be too weak and afraid to brake away from him.
I really hope you can find the best answer to this, it would be truely be sad that another one of lifes happy people are being mistreated like this. Your happiness will come from realising how great you really are, and how much better you really do deserve.
Good luck Exhausted.
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reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (17 July 2006):
 Ooh, this scares me, because it reads like a case-study of an abusive boyfriend.
This is classic behaviour of a person who's trying to isolate you from other people (moved in together soon after meeting), shows unwarranted jealousy about other guys, belittles you to damage your self-esteem, and so on and so on. This man is very likely an abuser, and things could turn nasty.
Please beware! This guy is unlikely to be as genuine as he seems. This isn't garden-variety "oh I love you so much I'm afraid to lose you" jealousy. This snip is from surviving-abuse.com:
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Here are some factors that should help to identify the warning signs of abusive relationships:
* Possessive: If your partner is showing a tendency of jealousy or possessiveness toward you, it is a sufficient warning sign of abusive relationships. This could be an indication for you that your relationship might turn abusive. The possessiveness of you partner may also lead to sexual addictions or love addictions, both of which could have damaging proportions.
* Bossy or Demanding Attitude: Bossism and demanding attitude are another warning sign of abusive relationships. Your partner might demand you to cut off social contacts and limit your outings. They may become violent and quickly lose their temper if you keep contact with your friends or relatives. The abusive partner might also demand or force you into sexual activities that you are not comfortable with.
* Chemical Influence: If your partner is under the influence of drugs or alcohol, it might result in abusive relationship. Drug or alcohol dependence is a warning sign of abusive relationships.
* Abusive History: History of violent relationships of your partner and the attitude of your partner for blaming you for the current emotional state are the other warning signs of abusive relationships.
* Unpredictability: If you fail to predict the reaction of your partner and you are worried about how your partner will react to things you say or do, make a strong case for your relationship to turn abusive.
* Depressing: If your partner does something that humiliates, diminishes, and embarrasses you, your case for abusive relationship becomes strong. Such acts could happen in public places or in the privacy of your home. If your partner has a family history of abuse or he himself is subjective to abuse, the chances of developing an abusive relationship are higher.
* Dependence: If your partner keeps track of your time, discourages you from working to be financially independent, controls all finances, and takes account of what you spend could be the warning signs of abusive relationships.
(end snip)
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Please look here also: http://www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/Abuser/signs.htm
I was in a physically abusive relationship for more than seven years, and I know how hard it is to get out, so please arm yourself with knowledge so you can make an informed decision.
Good luck, and remember that no relationship is worth being treated this way.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2006): Hun you are being emotionally abused and the only way to improve this situation is to look after yourself by letting this guy go. He may have a good side, but he'll always have this dark side. The situation will not improve-it will only get worse as time goes on and he will take all the remaining self-respect, pride and self-love you have for yourself. He is exhausting you-sucking the life energy right out of you and he will succeed until you are nothing but a 'dry well'. Why are you allowing this? This guy does not knowing the meaning of love. He wants ownership over you and that is very damaging and unhealthy. If your bf loved you, he should be encouraging your independence and he would give you space in this relationship. He would appreciate your bubbliness, your happiness, your individualism. He is very dependent on you because he's a very, very insecure person and he's so afraid of losing you that he's hanging onto you with a deathgrip. I am worried about you. You need to take care of yourself and get away from this man. Talk to someone else, like your parents, trusted friends...anyone who can be there to protect and support you, if and when you tell him it's over. He won't take it well. . But the sooner you do it, the sooner you are able to heal from what he has done to you. We all have the right as humans to be treated with respect, so in one's everyday life, it's critical we identify all the things and the people that drain us...and eliminate them from our lives. In the future, you might want to think about what you have learned from this relationship...and seek to only surround yourself with high quality relationships that support, challenge, and encourage you to be your best. Good luck, dear...you have some challenges ahead with this guy...my heart goes out to you.
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female
reader, jezibelinhell +, writes (17 July 2006):
 Get rid of it! Anyone that tells you that you are too happy is a sick individual! As your boyfriend he should be jumping through hoops to make you the happiest girl in the world. I'm sure you've seen all the talk shows about controlling wife beaters...THIS is how it starts. Take back control of your life NOW! Don't look back and never allow yourself to be treated like that by anyone. That is NOT love. Good Luck!
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