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male
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anonymous
writes: Are my concerns real or imagined paranoia? Can I ever trust my partner again? Will our fears tear us apart?The back story, is that I have been with this girl for over 2 years. This was a long distance relationship for the first year. 1.5 years into our relationship we were engaged and living together. She cheated on me. Mind you, that we are catholic, so she did'nt sleep with him. I really don't want to know anything else. She sometimes shows guilt, but not often. And has done nothing to make me feel special or to make up for anything. Perhaps I'm being selfish in feeling I deserve some kind of show of trust.She moved out of state, back home with family, and was dating this other guy after she left me. A few months later, after the most embarassingly miserable time in my life, she began asking me about getting back together. I went to see her and decided to give it a shot. We are back together, but still long distance again. I learned that she had also cheated on the guy she left me for, after we reconciled.We have been back together for about 1.5 months. My problem, is that i don't feel she understand how difficult it is to trust her. When we are together, we have a great time, we love each other very much it seems, and are grateful for being back together. She even dated our wedding again, and wants me to move out of state to be with her again.It feels like I'm being tasked with everything, that I've been the one to suffer and rebuild over and over while she doesn't go through anything.She also drops these small hints of doubt every so often, that completely crush me. She says everything is fine, and that she wants to be with me forever. but she's said all of this before. She says most of these things are misunderstandings.Sometimes I feel that she doesn't give me the comfort or support I need. And I often find myself feeling completely unloved. Even though she stands strong verbally as commited to being engaged again. She has not asked me to marry her, nor have I, but she always implies it. I feel that I love her more than she could ever love me. But she verbally insists that she loves me more than life itself, though rarely are her words deep or meaningful. She calls me her soul mate often, and tries to remind me of good times, and signs that she loves me. What will be enough to stop my paranoid feelings and fear?Any advice? Are my fears real? How do I take control o them to save our relationship? I have no one to talk to, so I came here for help. I know keeping these feelings of paranoia will destroy us as they did before, and losing her truly means I'll never love again. We both understand that our love is more bonding than most.
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cheated on me, crush, engaged, long distance, moved out, soulmate, unloved, wedding Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, happytochat  +, writes (12 December 2005):
Hello there,
What this woman has put you through, is absolutly wrong. She has showed no signs of respect, commitment, loyalty and all those equal love. What she's doing is making you feel very paranoid (and thats ok to feel that way) and unloved. And no one should ever feel like that when they are in a relationship and it shoudln't be casued by the person who is meant to love them.
She gives you hints about getting married and perhaps she does want to, but did it occur to you maybe shes a person with a really messed up mind of what marriage is about? Or she is just one who doesn't do it right.
She seems to me to be a person who likes to pull power over others, as she is doing that to you. She learnt very early in your relationship with her that she can get away wit cheating, as you took her back and listen im not trying to make it sound like you made a bad decision taking her back and that you were wrong, I can understand why you might of done that, but the point is, she wasn't greatful that after she betrayed you, instead of loosing you, she got you back, quite a few times it seems like too!
So from there she has realised that she can get away with such actions, and thats not fair on you! You have to set things right. Its one thing to forgive, but if the perosn keeps repeating the action, I don't think they desver your forgiveness. Forgiveness has to be earned back, as so does trust. And obviously you can't trust her, you have feelings of paranoia and you know i truly understand that. Like you said, she may say she loves you and all that but she doesnt really show it. Actions speak louder then words.
I'm sorry if it seems like im coming down hard on her, but you know what, its reality, what shes doing to you is wrong. You seem like a really really lovely guy, who deserves so much more. You should be happy and you CAN be, just not with her. What shes done and is still continuing to do is not right and you shoudlnt continue to put up with it. You have every right to want her to show you some extra special attention, yet she hasnt done that.
My advice is to consider ending this relationship. Or atleast talk to her about how you feel. For someone to continuly cheat on there partner and claim they love them just shouts 'controlive and manipulative' on her part.
You don't want ot be with that, do you?
Have confidence that you will get through bieng by yourself and not in a relationship with her. Surround yourself with all your mates and family and if those relationships arent very strong or close, work on them or make new ones. And when the timeing is right you will find a woman who really appricates your kind love nature and she will deseve you like you deserve her!
Good luck and please, do not put up with this behaviour of hers for any longer.
take care.
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