A
male
age
41-50,
*oddybad
writes:Okay, let me outline the situation - i'm 28 years old and until august was in a seven year relationship with the mother of my four year old daughter. for years she had ruined my life by stopping me going out, stopping me seeing my family, stopping me having friends and basically manipulating and controlling every facet of my life. From Nov 07 I had been sleeping downstairs. In January 08 a woman at work - 36 years old so a bit of an age gap but somebody I had fancied for years and the sweetest most wonderful person I have ever met made it clear she rather liked me too. I admit, it sounds awful, but I embarked on an affair and found myself falling head over heels for the new woman. I realise its easy to say that anybody could have done that after the awful relationship id been in but the new girl really is something special not just in looks but in her personality and everything about who she is. she had always had a problem with the fact we worked together having 3 years ago gone out with somebody else at work. because she works part time and working out of the department half the time (but often in our particular office) she doesnt see that much of most of the department and convinced herself everybody had hated her when the previous relationship had ended - this is simply untrue but she was convinced. after talking about things we decided to make it obvious we were very close and things were looking great. in august i left my previous girlfriend thinking that i finally had what i wanted - or at least would have once the legal battle over my daughter was sorted out. then suddenly the new woman ended things - she said it was because she couldnt get her head round work and one or two minor things - the age gap for example but she wanted to be friends. i told her how i felt and thought wed got through it - we spoke on the phone and met up once and things were awesome and she was bouncing off the walls as much as i was. i didnt see her for about a week then when i did she said that she felt the same again and couldnt get her head round things so it ended. this was at the end of august. a month later she told me that she had got engaged to somebody else - she had met him in may and though i believe she wasnt sleeping with both of us-shes not a slut whatever else she might be- this was clearly a shock. at this point i have worked really hard to be able to be friendly in the office but stopped contacting her and stuff. last week she rang me and told me she has split with the other guy because he lied about something - i think he might be on drugs or something - and for the last 10 days weve been talking and have spoke on the phone and are going out this weekend. however, im pretty sure she wants to be good friends but doesnt want to go back down the other route. i love being around her and being friends but in honesty i hate being friends because she is the most incredible, special wonderful woman there is and i want more - ive forgiven her for things because at the end of the day i was still with the ex when she met the new guy and knowing her well as i do she isnt naturally dishonest and i think she just got herself into a bit of a mess. the problem i now have is that its too soon to try it on with her, so to speak - she only split with him 10 days ago and its really hurt her - so i am trying to be really careful and be there for her as a friend but at the same time i want her myself and its killing me that i cant kiss her when thats all i really want.because we work in the same office at work i cant escape her completely and am a a loss exactly how to play this - do i try and get as close as i can and cross my fingers maybe saying something if it looks possible or accept she wont go for it and break off the friendship making things uncomfortable between us again? or do i stay friends and have to hate it when she meets someone and just grit my teeth?
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2008): Take it one day at a time, one date at a time, and don't project what will happen in the future. Have fun and enjoy yourself. I was in a situation like that many years ago. I was the one head over heels in love with a guy ten years younger. We knew we could never be more than friends for several reasons. We were intimate and spent most of our time together. Secretly, I always wanted more...but I settled for what I had and how I felt when I was with him. Looking back, I don't regret a single minute of it! When I think of him, I have to smile (22 yrs later) and I say...thanks for the memories!
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