A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm 26, and have recently tried to go to a gay bar alone, but don't spend too long there, because I'm not very confident going there, but I suppose it's the only real way to meet other gay people in my semi-rural area. Where I live there isn't much of a gay scene so I can't pick and choose really.However, there's a guy (we'll call him John even though it isn't his real name) there who I've become friends with, and I like, it's not certain he's gay but not certain he's straight either. He doesn't show me any attention when he's there, but he does when he's on Back St. Anywhere's Street he seems to show attention to me, or when he sees me around town. He's a nice guy, good sense of humour, similar personality to me average-looking but then again, I am too... a bit the same really. His behaviour seems to indicate he likes me... but only outside the bar, inside the bar he seems inhibited - despite everyone else's uninhibited behaviour (well, not full-on sex etc. but people being generally happy).Could he be bi-curious? His intent seems to show more than friendship when he's outside the bar, but he doesn't seem to be as such in the gay bar.How can I find out if he's gay or not without directly asking him the cliched "Are you gay?" as that's never really going to get a good response is it?I can't really assume that everyone who goes to a gay bar is gay, can I, especially since people have gay friends!I'd really appreciate some advice. Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (8 September 2013):
Dear OP,
Yesterday I was at a lgbt club and a beautiful woman asked if I was a lesbian.. To me, there's nothing wrong with that question when you're showing some interest in a person (and don't ask it in an accusing way, like "are you even gay?"). I mean, you're in a gay bar, I guess that question is legit there. If he says no, you can say "what a shame. But I am happy we're friends".
If you want to be more subtle, you can ask who are the friends he's seeing at that bar and see if they look gay. Or you can say why you like this bar and ask him why he goes there..
.. look, if you're interested in John, you need to find out if he's gay or not. Do that, ask him. Maybe John is really happy that you finally ask him that question. Because maybe John wanted to ask you the same thing for all the time but didn't have the guts to do so.
A
male
reader, CMMP  +, writes (7 September 2013):
I would say that the majority of regulars at a gay bar are gay. I've been to gay bars before with girls and I'm not gay, but I certainly wasn't going more than a couple of times.
He may be exploring his sexuality, or he may not want to show too much attention to any one person so he doesn't risk alienating someone else he may like.
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A
female
reader, Aunty Babbit +, writes (7 September 2013):
 No you can't assume all the men in a gay bar are gay.
You say this guy seems very similar to you, well you say you don't feel very confident going there and this guy comes across as being a bit inhibited.
Maybe he's new to this scene too, maybe he's curious but we don't know and neither will you unless you talk to him.
Next time you see him in the bar. Smile and be friendly, comment on the fact that you've seen each other around and make small talk. Maybe ask if he'd like a drink and go from there.
If you're honest with him, about being new to this bar and aren't quite sure what to do or say he may volunteer some information to you.
I hope this helps AB x
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (7 September 2013):
 No you can't assume everyone at a gay bar is gay.
Gay people have straight friends (and visa versa) and those straight people DO go hang out at gay bars with their friends.
So could be bi-curious, some straight, some gay. Never assume you know what preference they have by looking at where they go.
Just like.. gay people venture out to predominantly "straight" bars and clubs.
Just talk to him, get to know him. It's not like you can't talk to him if he is straight, right?
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