A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:i had sex with my four or five time but i am getting married to another man.so can he know about my past sex relationship? Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2009): Can't comment on how this would affect you and your culture/upbringing. Just can tell you from my perspective. I have been with my wife for 22 years, married 17. She was engaged before we met and was not a virgin. She was always shy and insecure, came from a dysfunctional, alcoholic, "white trash family" - to say the least. Long story short, she confided in me last year that she was a partcipant as a 15/16 year old girl in some whoreish behavior. The man she trusted was a friend of her fathers and 10 years older than her. While she said she participated willingly, she was unaware that her actions were morally wrong. (She was a virgin, naive and trusted and respected him.) I can tell you that now knowing, I hurt and am still hurting. On one hand I wish I never knew, on the other I am glad that I know and am glad that I am getting her professional help as well as myself. We have a great relationship - are both extremely successful and have traveled the world with our beautiful children. I think that had I known as a 19 year old I may not have been able to handle it, yet the fact that it took her 21 years to tell me hurts even more. My opinion is honesty is the best policy. If he cannot accept you for who you are, then it's better to find out now. I know that my wife had carried this burden with her for too long. Though she has been everything that I ever could have wanted and more, the fact that she "lied" to me has hurt our relationship tremendously. If our life together wasn't as good as it was I don't think we would make it. Tell him the truth and relieve yourself of this burden. If it's meant to be......Good Luck.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2009): I am not being noble.I am being practical.It doesn't matter whether I know her or not.stop being so rude.OP please don't listen to this honesty stuff.you know our country.you know the repercussion it have on you and your family.This female is not an Indian.She is not living in India.From her posts she comes across as rude and opinionated.Most of us Indian men would rather put up with a non virgin than such women.So don't feel so scared.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2009): i suggest the poster reads all the links that Star listed which deals with virginity issues.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2009): dear Indian Male, i think if you read properly you would realise THAT I AM NOT JUDGING HER. I merely told her what the situation would be. A friend was in the same position as her, and by lying she was in deeper trouble. Another friend was more fortunate because her husband was not a virgin and did not expect her to be (although they had an arranged marriage)
I know that you are really feeling sorry for the poster, which is very noble, i must admit but why are YOU so defending her. Do you know her? Why are you all of a sudden so sensitive to this?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2009): Anon I am an Indian Male.Honesty is the best policy for sure.But not here.She would have to remain unmarried for her entire life if she was honest.Her entire family will have to commit suicide or face worse if this leaks out.So come off your high horse and let the girl be.Yes if the groom is experienced he can know about it.Its a chance she will have to take.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2009): would you rather i lied to the original poster and told her it's ok to lie and deceive. you do not know the culture i am talking about so perhaps you view my answer as very harsh you do not know how they view deceit and lies. what is more important, not being a virgin, or lying that you are. would you rather know that the person you are going to marry is not a virgin and accept it, or find out that she lied and was purposefully lying and covering up. Why start your marriage in this way. there will be reprecussions for the poster if she lies knowingly and she knows it. perhaps she can educate us by advising us the circumstances of her impending marriage. you will be surprised and (perhaps more shocked) by the findings. people have also gone as far as making the young brides undergo virginity tests, how degrading. i knew someone about 18 yrs ago who had to undergo this test because her mother in law suspected her of not being a virgin (even though she was). i cannot tell you the humiliation this lady underwent. so all i am saying is just be honest. since when is honesty not the best policy?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2009): Let he who has not sinned cast the first stone. Ms. Anonymous on a high chair you don't have to judge the poor girl so harshly. If only we would know your history... but you wouldn't tell it to us would you?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2009): there has been a few posts recently from india(n) based people about sex and lying to their prospective husbands. why have sex in the first place if you still want to lie. There is such things as honesty in a marriage.
So what if you are not a virgin. You will get more brownie points by just admitting that you are not a virgin than deliberatly trying to hide the evidence that you are not. Sex and lies don't go hand in hand. Just tell the truth or abstain from sex until you are married! you are not doing anyone any favours by lying about it. Hopefully your husband will be 'experienced" enough to know the difference. Then what? If you do not want to marry him , don't . Simply answer in a very unsimplistic strict culture. But the culture doesn't condone lies and deceit.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2009): Do you mean physically - not really... However, better to be honest at the start of marriage.
He will be upset but better than later on...
see:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/my-virgin-bride-was-not-a-virgin-how.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/will-my-husband-be-able-to-tell-i.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/my-wife-was-not-a-virgin-and-this.html
Star.x.
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A
male
reader, Tewebag  +, writes (29 March 2009):
no unless you tell him. if he asks why you didnt bleed just say you broke it doing sports, horseback riding, anything like that. only way he would know is if he knows one or more of the guys or you tell him. but do you really want to already start out your marraige with lies?
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