A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Thanks for reading in advance! I'm in a very good relationship with a great guy, we've been dating for 9 months and it's very serious (we live together). His last relationship was rough because his first gf (L) and his second gf (K) hated each other. And he didn't do everything right when it came to staying in touch with L. Him and K wouldn't have worked out, but now that we're dating, he still wants to be friends with her. He was super jealous of her new guy and went crazy thinking about it a few months into our relationship. I thought since then that things had gotten better (he'd gotten over her more) but then a few months ago, I found out he was flirting with her on aol im. He apologized, said he maybe was used to having the two girls fighting over him and said he would cool it and watch what he said. He's been in touch with her thru text and im and he says things are going 'casually' meaning that he's acting more just like friends. But, he asked me if I thought it would be okay if he talked to her on the phone. He's open and honest with me, and I don't think he wants to be back with her, but his behavior and his reactions are detrimental to our relationship. I asked him why he needed to go back in the more 'personal' direction with his ex and he said it's not that, it's just that he wanted to hear her voice. It made me crazy, I told him that holding on to her stuff and saying things like that made me think he wasn't over her. I know some people stay friends with exes and hold on to old photos/memories and such... but is this over the line? They didn't take a long enough time to 'get over each other' and were on/off for a while but never as 'friends'... only as one person trying to get the other back. I don't think they can change the dynamic of their relationship to be friends. He asked me what I wanted him to do... and ofcourse I want her out of his life, but I know if I ask that, he might sneak their communication or grow to resent me... what should I do? Thanks!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2011): This is a big, absolute NO-NO.
Your boyfriend is YOUR boyfriend. It is clear to me that this is a monogamous relationship; therefore, he should definitely not be engaging in inappropriate relationships with other girls. I understand that K is just a female friend, but the reality is that she was also his ex-girlfriend. From experience, a man and a woman cannot just stay "friends" without one or the other developing feelings for each other. This is just FACT. To further validate my case, since they already have a history together, this should be immediate red flags.
If your boyfriend is hoarding K's possessions after all this time, then you need to be direct and upfront about it. You need to control this situation by telling him that he needs to throw them out. If he insists on keeping frequent contact with K via text messaging, phone calls, or IM chats when you deliberately ask him to stop, then he needs to mandate a choice. It's you or K. Tough love, but like you said, a line has to be drawn somewhere.
Personally, I think you have to lay down the law, so to speak. He shouldn't be flirting with other girls, and he most definitely shouldn't be conversing with his ex-girlfriend. This is not right. It only implies that he's not yet over her and he can't let her go, regardless with who he's currently with. Stage 5 clinger, exit to your right.
Don't get swayed by his excuses. If he even dares to sneak around your back and resents YOU for fraternizing with a woman he's not with, then you need to call it quits. No man is worth that much trouble.
Best of luck.
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