A
female
age
30-35,
*allyn11
writes:Hi A couple of months ago I discovered that my husband masturbates to porn while I am asleep or while I am not at home or working late. Our sex life is average, we have it at least 1-2 times per week, but I am always the one initiating it as he always complains that he is tired, stressed, not feeling good etc. Once in a while he initiates it but he never bothers if I climax or not (which is fine for me). However, I am so disturbed that he turns to porn! I have asked him about it and he says it is not a big deal because it's a guy thing and all men masturbate even if they are married.However I just cannot stand the fact that he does this and it hurts me so much thinking that he is getting turned on by another woman on screen and wanking off. I feel like I am being compared and that he enjoys what he sees on screen more than what he does with me. Whenever I bring this topic up he gets annoyed and says that I am paranoid. It has come to a point where I stopped going out after work because I am worried that he will be home jacking off to porn.Please help!!! Appreciate all your opinions and advice!!
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female
reader, Sallyn11 +, writes (9 June 2016):
Sallyn11 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all your feedback. I thought I was abnormal to feel this way but I guess what I am feeling is totally normal. Just to add on to this, he is not just a lazy lover but lazy in most things. He prefers just sitting on the couch doing nothing, playing games on his phone, getting him to go out is quite a mission sometimes cause he always just wants to sit like a couch potato. Even a glass of water from a kitchen requires a lot of effort for him. Despite all this, I know for sure that he loves me because he does the little things to make me smile, takes me on trips and makes sure that I have nothing short of an amazing time, and gives me small surprises from time to time. But of course when we fight then it's almost like a war which can last up to two or three days.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2016): I can understand why you're upset but as I guy I understand why he does it. Masturbation is sex without intimacy, a purely physical act performed by a male strictly for his own pleasure and/or to indulge in what he knows is an unattainable fantasy. Unfortunately one of the trade-offs of current technology is that explicit graphic sexual images are now literally available at one's own fingertips. Married men have been masturbating for centuries, but in previous times a guy's fantasies were limited to his own imagination and/or even as recently as a generation ago, glossy soft-core pictorials found in men's magazines such as Playboy.However, that does not excuse your husband's insensitivity to and lack of respect for your valid concerns. That to me suggests the possibility of a much bigger issue that goes well beyond his using visual aids for masturbation. FA has given you very good insight and advice from a male perspective with which I agree completely and to which I can't add anything else.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (8 June 2016):
 SVC has really hit it, the problem is that he is a lazy lover.
I want to bring in some other ideas that you might find helpful.
Couples that include masturbation in their sex lives successfully generally have this rule. The right of first refusal. In other words Masturbation is allowed without hurt feelings if the partner is getting their sexual needs filled. In other words he should be filling your sexual needs to your satisfaction before he turns to porn and the hand.
It is not your job to control his sexual expression. I'm not sure you think this way, but if you do, letting those thought go will help you feel better.
Mutually satisfying sex brings couples together. By your post I'm thinking you two are not getting that. Can you think of some ways to get that to happen?
Porn jealousy is one of the most damaging things about porn. Some of it stems from the difference between Men and women. I get some negative feedback for generalizations but that is the best way to express this. in general women Compare, and in general men collect. Chances are god that his is not comparing you to the porn women, but is adding them to his collection, or to put it crudely , his spank bank. Now the problem is not that you are being unfavorably compared to (even though you feel that way. If he tells you that he enjoys you more then you need to believe that. Communication works better when you remove the accusations and talk about specifics and how they make you feel.
The problem is that you are rightly Comparing the time he spends with his collection to the time and effort he spends with you. And That is a problem that he needs to get involved in the fixing of.
Porn addiction is real and What SVC says about it only getting worse is true. He needs to put more effort into connecting sexually with you. He needs to see, and participate in your sexual satisfaction including your orgasms. In essence you both need to work on retraining his sexual response so it leads to a healthy relationship.
The initiation in your relationship needs to be shared. Many people who don't initiate (men and women) don't understand the emotional boost that comes to a person when their partner expresses their sexual desire for you. You may have to schedule, train and demand his participation to get this.
It isn't hopeless but it is difficult. I hope you take my advice seriously. It is the truth as well as I know it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2016): There is a possibility that he's bit turned on by you and IT'S NOT your fault.He obviously has a normal libido (which is good) but his behavior is questionable. Let me explain. Masturbation is normal in a relationship for men and women! What is not ok is that he doesn't care if you enjoy sex or not. And it is definitely not ok to replace a healthy sex life and to not make any effort in that department.Some men lose interest in their wives over the years. They fantasize of other women (usually younger, more fit and prettier) what they fail to do is look at themselves in the mirror. They only see their aging wives (yes, women age faster than men) and feel that they deserve something better.Is everything else ok in you relationship? I would be surprised if you said yes.I've known only of one other case when a husband masturbated when his wife was present (in bed next to him!!!), but that marriage was so toxic, they not only quarreled daily they fought, their house was a ring!I guess that deep down you're not resentful that he watches porn and masturbates but that he's choosing these activities over you. He doesn't make you feel wanted and he doesn't care about you, he makes no effort to make you climax. He uses you from time to time as a blow-up doll. That's it.You staying at home and worrying about it won't change a thing. It's just making you a bad guy who's always unhappy and nagging. You have a serious problem in your marriage and your sex life is only a consequence.Focus on yourself an be positive. Eat healthy, exercise, take care of yourself. Then you'll see how and if he fits that picture. Maybe you'll decide that he's just not worth it.
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A
female
reader, Denada846 +, writes (8 June 2016):
Hi I hope this helpsI have had an ex and known men to watch porn so sometimes it's not as a big deal as we women make it to be- sometimes men are tired and they just take care of themselves quickly and don't want to put much effort into itIt sounds like Ur husband is a selfish lover and I can see where Ur feelings of jealousy and discontent come from. I had a bf that was the same exact way and I felt the same exact thingI asked my psychiatrist and he said its just a guy's thing but if it is interfering with your life then I suggest you communicate better about this issueLife is short and im sure you are better than anyone on that screen - we deserve the love we want and at the end of the day maybe this is a communication issue rather than porn- there seems to be more disconnect in communication..
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (8 June 2016):
 I would be more hurt that he's too lazy to be a good lover which is why he does not bother to initiate sex with you and would rather jerk off.
IF you are not orgasming during sex is he even trying to get you there or is he lazy about that too?
It sounds to me like your husband is a lazy lover who would rather jerk off than have sex that requires work.
I am betting if you walked home bent over the couch and dropped your knickers and said "have at it... he would masturbate into you very happily.
you are nothing more than a living breathing fleshlight to him.
it will only get worse.
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