A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Ok, I am writing this for advice about a friendship.I had a few relationship problems with my boyfriend over the last year. However we seemed to have overcome this and are now very close and very happy.My advice is about a friend. When i split with my boyfriend in 2008 i was at an all time low and moved to London. I stayed with my friend and her partner until i got my own place. Then my ex came back to me and we got back together.My friend is quite attention seeking, desperate for attention, she throws herself at anything and anyone, gets involved with as many things as possible, she has cheated on her boyfriend numerous amounts of times and has told me she is embarassed of him. He however, is older and to be honest doesnt seem that phased by her constant desperation for attention. Their relationship isnt exactly the best example of a good working relationship.My friend was at a time very close to me, we got on so well and told each other everything (admittedly sometimes she would have sarcastic comments at me - but i knew they would be through jealousy) I think she was jealous my ex came back to me and gave up everything he had to get me back. My friend can be sometimes very selfish and very self absorbed. For instance - i discovered i was pregnant and had a miscarriage. Instead of coming to see me or comforting me she made sure she went out to sleep with some guy shes been chasing from Uni as her boyfriend was away. I feel like she constantly tries to compete with me or anyone and plays games. She leads a sort of double life, known as one name at Uni (and single) and another name at home with her boyfriend. Lately, she has been excluding me from loads of parties, trips and nights out, and i feel as though she constantly tries to rub things in my face. As she lives a life where she deosnt have to work, her boyfriend has money - not loads though. And me any my boyfriend are working people. I was bullied at school, and have always found it hard to make the right friends and maitain good relations in a friendship. However, i constantly feel as though she is trying to wind me up and make out like she is miss popular, has this amazing social life and i have no other people. Maybe this is a cover up as behind closed doors her life is really crap, she has identity issues and depserately wants to be loved. I dont know, but its getting me down. Everytime i log on facebook theres new pictures of her out with all her new friends or posing in dresses and talking to loads of people, i feel like im obsessing over her and her life, which is unhealthy and i think she maybe pursues this and wants this to happen. I feel as though im being stamped out, completely. All i seem to have is my boyfriend, my sisters live up north. Its hard to make new friends in a big city. And i dont know what to do, it feels as though she is trying to make me jealous all the time and use me as some tool to massage her ego. Her boyfriend does that too, he is quite patronising and cocky when he wants to be. However, he deosnt frighten me at all. I feel like im going out of my mind and as though im playing some competition game. There are days when i just want to literally rip her head off, give her a realtiy check and tell her exactly how superficial her life is, how she has a double life and how shes desperate for love as her relationship is totally built upon deceit and lies. Maybe she already knows this i dont know. But i am constantly obsessing over it as we were very close at one point and use to spend alot of time together. Now i dont get invited anywhere and am left out of everything. Its like i dont want to talk to her about it as then she may think she has won as this has got to me. I dont know whether to just slowly but surely cut her out of my life completely. I think the advice im after is what i should do about this friend. It just feels like one big game and its frustrating me as there are days where i just want to say "Get over yourself, and take a look at your life." If she texts or phones me i often feel i dont want to answer as she will be bragging about something to me and i have nothing to say back. She is a very self absorbed person. Another example, is when i was having problems - as there were 2 guys on the scene when i was single and had split from my ex. My ex wanted me back and id met someone new, they were both torturing me, i got really drunk and was sick, she just left me in my flat on the floor and never really got involved or gave any advice she was trying to get attention from some other guy. Another time and example of her self absorbtion is she had came round my flat to update me on the latest guy shed threw herself at and got madly in love with (eventhough hes clearly just not intersted and picking up and dropping her when he wants). While she was blagging my head about this, my sister had phoned to tell me that she had been sexually abused as a child, i was trying to talk to her about it and listen to my sister, and try to comfort and help. I was obviously distraught, as soon as i came off the phone, she began reverting to herself again and her 'dilemmas' I felt like throwing her out. That was insenstive. Another example was when she came into some money and phoned me to tell me, i was pleased for her, then she began rubbing it in my face about all the things she could do with it (turns out her boyfriend wanted most of it for rent) However, she was also patronising at that point, saying "oh well you always have the gym, and part time job."Another thing that annoys me is - i started an access course in 2005, and then wen onto university, had some trouble as split with my ex and lost my house, then obviously moved to London and had to resit the last year. She has done the exact same thing, did the same access course, then went to university, its like shes a parasite and tries to steal your life, and your ideas, even some friends ive had, she will talk to them and try to get involved its as thought she tries to take over. She is sooo desperate to be miss popular, be different and appear to be making a statement, appear intellectual and fashionable, and i feel like saying look love, youre acting desperate and obviously have problems accepting who you are and seeom to constantly strive to be better than everyone else because deep down you are unhappy with yourself. I dont know, its just we used to be so close and now its as though ive been erased, but kept in touch with every now and again for advice, ego massaging or bragging. I dont know. I have 2 great sisters who i confide in and am so unbelievably close to. I could not give that up for the world, so i know i have good friednships there and my partner, we are now so strong together, planning a future, so i know im not desperate for male attnetion. I dont know.I know ive written so much, but this has been building up for a while. I just dont know what to do at all. I dont eve know if its me with the problem, whether im over obsessing.Please can you give me any advice at all??Thanks so much for listening.
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