A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have the most terrible guilt over cheating with another man at work. It happened a year ago. We were both very drunk and one thing lead to another. Within a couple of days I admitted my infidelity to my partner and we had a long period of tension between us (to put it lightly). Undeservedly, he took me back. I am amazed at how he has forgiven me. My guilt always remained for what I had done or potentially done to my work colleagues marriage. Now I hear his marriage is on the rocks and I just feel at my wits end. Every conceivable emotion. For me, for his wife, for him. I realise this is totally selfish of me in a way.Will it ever get any easier. Sometimes I just cant see any way out other than drastic steps. I guess in a way, writing this down has helped me right now, but the guilt will be back soon enough. I try to justify myself that it was the alcohol, and nothing really bad happened. we didnt go "all the way" if you catch my meaning. But that just makes it all the more worse.Can anyone else relate to this horrible experience? I am ashamed of my actions, confused, embarrassed... And like many other peoples indiscretions, I could never have believed I was capable of such a thing. Help!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2011): If your partner has forgiven you, then you should learn to forgive yourself and move on. Holding on to shame and guilt does no good. you're to be commended for having come clean to your partner immediately - many people in your situation would not have told their partner and the consequences of keeping dark secrets like these build up over time and eat at their souls or eventually come out in a far worse way. So, acknowledge that you made a mistake, you did the right thing after you realized your mistake which is you owned up and came clean. And your partner forgave you so the proper thing to do is to move forward. By holding onto shame and guilt you are not just torturing yourself but you're also holding your relationship back and not allowing it to heal and to move forward.
As for your colleague whom you cheated with. You are not responsible for his marriage. He chose to cheat, just as you did. You're responsible to your relationship, he's responsible to his marriage. Why do you feel like you're responsible for his marriage? don't you think he's a fully autonomous adult who's in control of his own actions? Did you put a gun to his head and force him to cheat with you?
has his wife been harassing you? if so, she's got it wrong - he's the one married to her and who owes her loyalty, not you. is he now blaming you for his marriage failing? if he is, he's a coward ..
it's likely that his marriage was already on the rocks before he cheated with you anyway.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2011):
One thing I will say:
Don't feel that you are responsible for your partner's marriage ending. It took two to tango.
Your partner has forgiven you. Move on. You might need therapy to help get over it.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (1 June 2011):
 Yeah, I can relate, I've been drunk and alone and done "bad stuff" too. Who hasn't? Let it go, there's a whole life left to live why hurt everyone on the way to the grave?
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A
male
reader, Universe Man  +, writes (1 June 2011):
Wanting affection from someone new seems the human way to be, doesn't it? Why do so many marriages end in divorce? Why do about 80% of all DearCupid questions have to do with conflicts regarding monogamy or lack thereof? Cheating is human; marriage is inhuman. To decide in the prime of your life to never, ever have a first kiss for as long as you live? Why do we do that to ourselves? I don't have the answers, but I think you need some perspective: people tend to screw up exactly as you have screwed up. It's pretty normal.
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