A
female
age
22-25,
anonymous
writes:I met a guy in college and we were really good friends, we got on well with each other and it felt as if we had known each other for years. A few months into the friendship this guy was always looking for excuses to text me like asking for a book when he could just get it himself and he would always comment on my pictures on socials as well and say that I’m cute. One day he even said that there’s something about me but he doesn’t know what it is but it’s different. I got the feeling that this guy liked me because he would act nervous around me, sometimes follow where I’m going to and also freeze when he sees me or stutter when talking to me. And he would always compliment my personality and say I would be a good girlfriend and stuff like that and also he would remember things I told him and also notice things I didn’t tell him. Then before the college break he said that we would see a movie when college resumes again, but we didn’t. Sometimes he got annoyed when I would leave immediately after class but most times we talked after class and when we talked he told me about his weaknesses and struggles and also his childhood and family.During the college break he called me every day and always wanted to FaceTime. After the college break we didn’t see for a while because he was sick but we were still talking. He suggested that we should start a study group(just the two of us). He even liked my old pictures on socials (the ones I had before I knew him). Then I was telling him about a guy who was trying to ask me on a date but the guy was much younger than me. Then suddenly the conversation led to something else and this guy started saying that when we were first talking he was only interested in sex, but now he has feelings for me and his friends were saying he should sleep with me but he didn’t want to because he saw me as a different kind of girl. He told me that he has feelings for me because he likes my personality, he thinks I’m cute and very caring but then he said he would date me but he doesn’t know if he should because in his last relationship he cheated twice. And he said the reason he reduced how much we talk is because he didn’t want the feelings to grow into anything. I kind of had some feelings but I never admitted it cuz I thought it wasn’t serious. The guy said he also wanted to go to the zoo with me when we get time, again we never did.When college resumed the first time he saw me he froze as he was talking to me. Then I noticed he was not quite avoiding me but like we weren’t meeting up after class as much. And sometimes he wouldn’t come in. But we would still talk and he started being sexual and saying he wants us to do stuff and if I want to do stuff I should tell him. At one point he even went behind me to stare at my behind. I was joking with him and said I want to do stuff and I got the impression that he was annoyed that I was joking but he claimed that he knew I was joking. Then one day I managed to get him to come to talk for a few minutes but he had to leave quickly. We talked on the phone and i said we should start the study group the following week, he said we should the next day. The next day was a Saturday and at first I was hesitant but then I said we can do it in the afternoon on Saturday. He wanted us to do it in a library in his accommodation where we could talk and I agreed so I told him to collect me from our college. I also told him to make sure he comes because a friend college stood me up and it was annoying because I live far. He said he wouldn’t do that so I shouldn’t worry.Then on that day I was waiting for him and he never came. Bare in mind I live far from college (1hr 30mins on the bus) and he only lives a 15 min walk away. I called him and texted him and he didn’t reply. I was frustrated because I wasted time and money coming and he knew I live far. He ignored my messages but was still watching my stories. Then the next week in college he was avoiding me and still ignoring my messages. Until one day, I was in the library and he saw me and he tickled my back but then he left shortly after without saying anything about what happened. And when I checked my messages I saw that he opened all of them even the one i sent like 2 days before saying I want to talk to him. I was so hurt and angry and unfollowed him on my main social. Then I didn’t see him much cuz we had exams and couldn’t talk.So it was summer, (2months later) he was still ignoring me and I wanted to be the bigger person and I texted him on two separate occasions and he left me on seem both times. Then I just left it. I was working and enjoying my summer so I was kind of busy. He was still liking my pics and not commenting but I unfollowed him and he didn’t at that time. I went to a party one week and he watched my whole story, then the other week I went out and he watched my whole story again( it was long) and everyone was saying me and my friends looked really nice. Then the next day he texted me saying “hey” and I asked him what he wanted. He said he just wanted to apologise to me that he was being a jerk. I just said it’s ok that I forgive him (not exactly true) and he asked if I was sure and I said I just need to talk to him to clarify things. Then he left me on delivered for weeks and then eventually on seen. Then in I wasn’t seeing him in college for the next year and I was concerned so I texted him and he told me he changed his course. I used this opportunity to talk like before and I said I couldn’t wait to finish college and he was being friendly back and was opening the messages straight away. But then he left me on delivered and on seen in the middle of the conversation. It was my birthday soon after and he watched my story of what happened on my birthday but didn’t say anything. But he liked my birthday pics then shortly after he saw I wasn’t following him anymore and he unfollowed me back. But his second account (fun account) is still following me even though I unfollowed it.I noticed that whenever I went out he would watch my stories especially if I looked really nice. And just to add, this guy seems to be bad with time like he came to college and even exams late a lot or sometimes not come. But basically I’m confused about everything. Like first of all, did this guy actually have feelings for me or was my gut lying to me? And second of all I don’t understand why he stood me up when he promised not to. And also, was his apology genuine or not because he ignored me for 2 months before he apologised but he never let me talk to him about the issue and he never told me why he stood me up. So can someone help me to understand what’s going on in this guy’s head (preferably a guy if possible) because I’m the type of person who likes closure and clarity and I find it annoying when something was never explained to me. I’m sorry it’s long but I need yous to understand, thank you so much for reading, I really hope you can help me to understand. Thank you!!
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male
reader, Justryingtohelp +, writes (29 April 2020):
The guy's a jerk. Even he admits that. He picks you up and drops you as it suits him. He is not going to change. Why are you wasting time on this loser?
You may want clarifications, explanations and closures all you like but he owes you none of these. Sometimes we need to make our own closure.
He's living rent-free inside your head. Time to serve his eviction notice and move on with your life.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2020): I think it is possible that he may be in treatment and therapy for a mental-health disorder and doesn't know how to tell you. There are medications that people have to take early in the evening; it may make them extremely groggy in the morning, which might explain why he's often late for class...aside from being a late sleeper.
You've noted that he makes dates that he never keeps. I think he may be suffering anxiety disorder and that paralyzes him to the degree he just can't bring himself to follow-through. Otherwise, he's just a dirt-bag that just like dicking you around.
It's a wild guess, but he does seem to like you. It doesn't matter if he keeps acted weird, and I really think you've given him more time and attention than he truly deserves. He's making a fool of you. Ignore his lame acknowledgements and likes to your posts, pics, or stories. They obviously have no meaning.
One-day when you hear from him out of the blue, ask him straight-out. "Are you in therapy for an anxiety-disorder or something?" He will either confess, or he will panic. It's a "yes" or "no" question. If he doesn't answer, consider it an unconfirmed "yes!" If he says "no" then tell him this: "You have flaked on me far too many times, and you make promises you don't keep. I'd really rather not hear from you; because I expect the weird behavior to continue without any explanation. If you can't be forthright with me; maybe you should just stop contacting me."
Then delete his number, block him from your social media accounts, and remove him from all your contacts. Move on. Don't answer any unidentified calls, or respond to anonymous messages.
You've spent far too much time following-up with this guy. He makes no sense.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (28 April 2020):
 I get that it would be nice to know 100% what this guy was thinking and why he did what he did, but OP WE don't know him at all. So all we can do it guess.
The thing with life and people, is that you will NEVER know exactly what's going on with them, their lives, feeling and personal issue, EVEN if they share some of it with you. It's a given. So trying to "figure" this guy out... is a WASTE of you time. Because there nothing here to see. The guy isn't as interesting or interested as you had hoped.
I think when someone tells you :"he said he would date me but he doesn’t know if he should because in his last relationship he cheated twice" - that should ring little ALARM bells for you. You DON'T want to date a guy who initially saw you as a FaF (fu@k and forget), EVEN less a guy who will TELL that TO your face, and you certainly don't want to date a guy who readily admit to being a cheater in his last relationship and someone who just stand you up and NEVER apologize for it? Yeah, those are the kind of flaky people you eliminate from your life.
My guess is he either HAD a GF (at some point in all this long drawn out "friendship" ) and didn't tell you about her and her about you.
He KNOWS he isn't (or hasn't been) a good BF so far, so he might have felt that dating you would not be a good idea because he ACTUALLY didn't want to end up hurting you. Which I suppose is nice of him. BUT, he could just have told you, I think we are better as "friends". I think the REASON he didn't message you for your birthday was to make sure YOU didn't think he was interested any more.
My advice? KICK him off your social media and phone, block him, unfriend (whatever) so he can't keep tabs on your life. He isn't a friend. At all. He actually sounds like a bit of a douche-nugget. He sounds like he has been reading too many "pick up artist guide books" which is a BAD BAD idea for a young man who wants a DECENT GF. Because those books tells young men that in order to "pull" or attract girls you have to treat them like crap. That girls LOVE that shit, they love the "bad boy". And while some girls/young women do, the majority don't.
He really isn't all that complicated OP. He is an immature dude who doesn't know how to BE a friend to a girl or.. be a good BF either. He has a LOT of growing up to do, and so do you.
Keep ROMANCE out of friendships. If you want to make friends - MAKE friends. If you want to get to know a guy well enough to determine if you want to perhaps DATE him, then just go slow but don't "forgive" shitty behavior.
Set yourself a STANDARD for how you want to be treated. Don't allow someone to treat you in a way you wouldn't treat them. Like leaving all your messages for days and then on read. No, that is not OK, he could easily have sent you a short message and not leave you hanging. But he CHOSE not to. That is NOT the kind of guy you want in your life. (I hope).
Block, delete, remove and LET IT GO.
He was just some dude you met at college and that is that. Onward and upwards, OP.
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