A
male
age
41-50,
*hades of blue
writes:My wife of 12 years met a guy online a few weeks ago. She kept me in the loop as the relationship developed into a very sexually driven banter. Now she is trying to meet up with him and ultimately have sex.This has been a roller coaster of emotions for me. I know my wife is not pursuing the relationship for sex, but instead has really enjoyed another man wanting her.It has ignited some tremendous passion in her and given her a lot of confidence. Our relationship is as strong as ever and our sex life has been fantastic. All seems well, except I get upset at times when I think about what she is doing and is going to do.Has anyone let their wife have an affair and their relationship become stronger for it? What feelings should I expect after she has sex with him?Does it make sense that I am happy for her, but want to punch him?
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affair, confidence, sex life Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, akai +, writes (22 August 2011):
Yes it can,its funny on how things crop up in a marriage, and at first you get upset, then you find your self getting turn-on by the idea.We are so programed on how things should be,there are so many men and women that may have a hidden fantasy and it takes something like someone hitting on the little women to bring it out.Dude be your own man,if you and your wife agree to something that makes your relationship grow then go for it. There's a lot of old stuffy people (women) out there that will say your going hell for that.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2009): You're obviously not comfortable with this. You should let her know.
I understand why you feel this way. Sex is like an expression of love and something special and exclusive between you and your wife. To have her want to give something that you consider her greatest asset and expression of love so willingly hurts you on the inside. Let her know how you feel.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2009): It looks like you are almost Ok with what she is doing because otherwise you wont even be discussing about it today. As with any human, your feelings are not always consistent. You feeling happy for her and wanting to punch him doesnt make sense of course. It is nothing new. Most of our feelings dont make logical sense. That is why we need to use our heads instead of our hearts often. If you can make your head rule your heart, you can make this work. Or you may be in for hurt.
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A
male
reader, ArmyMedic  +, writes (8 March 2009):
 Not feeling this one! I can understand her enjoying guys flirting with her etc, but to actually have sex, well in my opinion just to want to have and sexual contact with another person, not my cuppa tea!
But you are both adults and whatever makes you BOTH happy. (this isn't all about her)
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A
female
reader, wonderingcat +, writes (8 March 2009):
 I am shaking my head and keep thinking that this is not right, Shades of Blue (hmmm... I like that name)
Your wife is having an affair, which has escalated from flirting with sexual innuendos on the net, to the next level pretty soon ... actual physical sex outside your marriage. And you are going through a roller coaster of emotions as well as turning to different shades of blue when you are thinking of this affair. Why? because you believe in your marriage vows, in your exclusive mutual commitment to each other. Because you believe in your contract (of the institution called marriage).
What prompted her “adventure” into the cyber world to seek friends online, with the intention to flirt? Do you think she is simply seeking a confirmation from men other than you, the faithful husband of 12 years (you have been faithful, right?)? If that is the case, have you “forgotten” to appreciate her looks, her accomplishments, her sexual appeal, in so many words? Maybe not everyday, but often enough to make her feel good? You know, like when you feel aroused at the thought of her (whether you were in the office, or at home just looking at her sitting comfortably on the couch).
Her way of “keeping you in the loop” can be seen as a sub-conscious message to you, telling you that “this is what I want” but I don’t want to leave you. You know her better than me, so I cannot go further than this. But it does sound like she gets a rush or a thrill when she got all those sexually-charged messages from men. Maybe to her, you are so tolerant that it infuriates her. Maybe, instead of “being happy for her”, she wants to see you gets “infuriated at her” for chatting and meeting up (or want to) with other men. It leads back to her wanting more attention and affirmation that you are still passionately in love with her.
I think it is only natural that you are turning into all shades of color right now (not just blue actually). If it helps, you should try to seek advice from a professional, like a marriage counselor. In addition to her wanting to get more attention from you, she may have other things that she has managed to repress all these 12 years being married to you. A professional analyst/counselor would be best to help you understand the issues. And work with you on how to address them.
Good luck, and I hope you will be back in your usual shades of the bright sun that it brings to our lives!
Cat
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2009): Yes it makes senses. you know that she is being aroused by someone else and that stings your male ego. So you aren't comfortable with it. You are looking here for reinforcement that its a good thing for the two of you.
Well yes it does work for some people. But not everyone. Only the two of you can decide. You have to tell her and if its too painful to stop. Cuckold is the extreme of this, be careful.
just one theory though - why not become one of the chasers? assume an alter ego and try and shag her.
Star.x.
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