A
female
age
30-35,
*ovelesslady
writes:My partner and I have been together for a little while now. Up until about two weeks ago, we only had usual couple arguments. Here lately, I've been wanting to break up. Over the course of a week, every time I would say I want to leave, he would get physical. The first day he snatched me by my jacket, and the very last day I was there he choked me, threw me off the porch, headbutted me, etc. He told me if he can't have me no one will, and that I'd "die with him". this has happened about 4 times over the last week. I've managed to escape, I'm an hour and a half away now. My question is, he says he is going to get help to change. Does this really work? Can an abusive person really change? Am I better off letting this go? I really need some advice. I love him despite all this, but I'm scared to death he'll hurt me again. Would anyone else try and work this out? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (15 December 2014):
 He can but I doubt he will and at this point it's just words.
and you don't want to put yourself in a situation where he could prove that he's changed wrong and hurt you again.
I would say "yes they can" I've seen it happen in my own life, but based on YOUR situation I would say DO NOT GIVE him a chance to kill you.
just say no.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2014): Once an abuser always will be.Been there done that I left and right til this day he still is an abuser to somebody else it's best if you leave now.LIFE IS TO SHORT TO KEEP DEALING WITH THINGS YOU DONT HAVE TO YOU DESERVE BETTER BUT FIRST OFF KNOW YOUR WORTH YOU ARE SOMEBODY!BEST WISHES
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (13 December 2014):
 I agree with WiseOwlE and CMMP
DO NOT hold your breath hoping he will change. He is capable of change (anyone is) but it WOULD take YEARS of him working on himself with the help of a therapist/counseling.
KEEP your distance, change your number, BLOCK him from FB (make sure your privacy setting are high) GET a restraining order and STOP having ANY CONTACT.
YOUR life and safe should BE your top priority. NOT whether he can/will change.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2014): He choked and headbutted you, you are lucky to be sat asking this question so I seriously hope you stay as far away from him as possible.
It might sound dramatic saying you could die but this is a reality going back to someone like that. You should have reported him to the police - but do it now anyway. You tell the police you are trying to stop all contact with him and what he did the 4 times you were trying to leave and that now you are worried what will happen when he realises you are ignoring him and it is over.
You block him on Facebook, you block anyone who might tell him what you're doing and where you are. Get a new phone, do not tell anyone who might tell him where you are staying. The police should issue him with a warning not to contact you and if he does they can arrest him - at least here in the uk that's one of many steps they would take to support you so I hope it's like that where you are.
Through my work I met a once beautiful, confident woman destroyed by her so called boyfriend, like yours he promised her he could change but after that first time things just got worse. He twisted her thoughts by telling her he wouldn't have to do those things if she just did this or didn't do that...she was a shadow of her former self. When it first happened she believed he would change for her and that it was only a few times he had done it so she gave him a second chance. The night she got back he knocked her unconscious and left her. After that he would go a few weeks without hurting her and then out of the blue he would start on her. She started to protect him rather than herself and say friends and family less and less. She ended up nearly dying after being back with him almost a year, if it wasn't for her neighbours she certainly would have been dead before anyone could help her as they called the police and the police went with an ambulance too and found her beaten black and blue and he just ran. Luckily they caught the monster but there are women who are not so lucky.
Seriously, if a man loved you he would not put a finger on you in that way. If he wants to change then good for him let him carry on and do so but don't become tangled up in that sort of mess because until he does change (by getting professional help) you will end up as the literal punch bag.
Take time to be by yourself as of course it will be hard to get over splitting up, you're not a bad person for still wanting him but think seriously about it and your life can't be ruled by your feelings on this occassion.
You have to use your head to see clearly you will be in danger going back. You need the police to be aware this happened and you need to surround yourself with friends and family who can support you through this.
They will help, don't be embarrassed to talk about it because you did nothing wrong.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (13 December 2014):
Anyone can change, but in his case it'd take years of therapy and anger management. Until then he might kill you.
If you wait a few years and he says he's better, how will you know? Is it worth risking your life?
Finally, having children with this guy would be a disaster.
Make sure you're safe and he has no way to find out where you are (Facebook, etc). Then, never talk to him again by blocking his phone number and other means of contact. It'd be a good idea to get a restraining order, too.
You're literally fighting for your life.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2014): He's trying to entice you back by making you an empty promise. Promises are made to be broken, and he just may break your skull as well! Yes, people can change; but you don't go back to a man who threatens your life, and head-butts you! That's crazy and suicidal!
Please, please, please report those threats to the police!
Take threats on your life seriously! He actually physically assaulted you, and you allowed him to get-away with that without calling the police. You felt threatened, and you had to flee for your life! THANK GOD YOU DID!
Abusers always promise to change long before they ever do.
Only a fool takes an abuser at his word.
He's sorry alright! Only until the next time. He's even more sorry you got-away, and might tell somebody.
Stay where you are!!! Find a women's shelter; or a local organization for abused-women, or victims of assault. You're not thinking straight, and you need counseling to prevent you from letting him talk you into taking him back. He might make true on the threat that you'll die with him.
GET A RESTRAINING ORDER!!!!!
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