A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Can anyone give me some advice on this Jealousy, It's getting me down.I have been wih my current partner for about 10/11 months. At the start he was a complete jack the lad, going out every weekend staying out etc. He had a few girl 'friends' that he would go training with and meet out for drinks. They were very pretty and in to the same thing as him. This made me feel very insecure. One in particular would call him at all hours and once when all his mates were out they all went back to her flat. He tells me nothing happened. Anyway I never said anything about him going out as I let people do what they want to do and dont dictate but I had enough and told him it was over, I didn't want a relationship where I felt this way. He begged me not to end it and he would prove how much he loved me and that it was a wake up call. Eight months on he has been true to his word, treats me wonderful, is never secretive with his phone etc, doesn't go out much, stopped contact with the other girls, has moved in and is a wonderful boyfriend. BUT I still find myself insecure and worry he will go off with someone else. This girl still emails him, he does not respond, he is very open and shows me the emails and it shows that he told her he is very happy and in love with me etc. Why do I still feel this way? She was so sporty as he is and Im not that much, i feel insecure that he had more fun with her than me and that it is only a matter of time before he starts replying to her. Can a guy really change this much is probably what I am trying to ask and should I trust him? I know my insecurities will drive him away but I am so worried I am wasting my time. Please help!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2012): i don't really know the depth of your relationship. but the thing that comes to mind for me is the possibility that you know you sort of coerced him into changing.
you felt jealous about this other girl and your jealousy drove you to end, or at least try to end your relationship. it was a huge hit for him, and i don't think it was so much of a wake-up call as it was kind of an ultimatum; 'me or her' kind of thing.
it may not have been your intention but it seems to me like you wanted him to be scared of the idea of losing you and have him change to keep you. don't get me wrong, i completely believe in changing for the better for your partner and for the sake of the relationship. it's called compromise and sacrifice.
but in this case you practically told him, 'change or i'm gone!'. now that he's done all you wanted, you still feel insecure and jealous. because subconsciously you know that this change, and a drastic one at that, isn't one he made of his own volition. it wasn't his own choice and wish to change to be a better boyfriend. it was done out of desperation. and sometimes it works. though, i don't think it works for you. he may just grow tired of being devoted to you someday because he may feel like you forced it on him.
but then again, that is my interpretation of your predicament. i could be completely wrong. and if i am wrong then sorry.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2012): You have moved too quickly in this relationship. Trust was not established. Living together does not create trust. It does not solve the core issue.You are insecure about one particular girl. She continues to email him. He has not managed to stop her from doing so.Why not?That is a question you must ask him. Why has she not stopped contacting him?Can a guy really change this much? If he was ready to, I think so. In your age bracket of 26-29, many men and women change their status from single to in a relationship, happily so.You fear you are incompatible with him. You fear that he will lose interest in you and begin to respond to this girl.I go back to this question, why is he still allowing her to contact him if he knows that her interest in him in inappropriate?And this question, why did you move in with him before you felt complete trust in him?You could do research on building selfesteem, but until you resolve those two key questions, there's no future in your relationship.
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