A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have a friend who is abroad at the moment, she hasn't spoken to me for three to four weeks. I've not heard from her by social media and I'm beginning to lose patience.She's helping abroad and providing water to disadvantaged people and trying to make a difference to them and their lives.I feel I'm being taken for a mug by her as a friend and want to delete her as a friend on social media and feel as though she isn't pulling her weight in terms of returning the favour.What should I do? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2016): Time goes quickly when your in another part of the world and its extremely unlikely that you should take lack of contact as a friendship rejection unless you were intimate previously because friendships are elastic, they expand to fill time and they contract to fit into different circumstances, so keep an open mind and dont invest your energy in rejection thoughts.
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (22 June 2016):
 My guess from your other posts is that she does not regard you as a best friend, yes you feel that way about her, but I am not sure it is returned. You need to stop contacting her, give her a break, she is over seas helping people in need, let her do that, if she was a true friend she would have contacted you by now if you can see she has been online, but the thing is you act like a child, you are being petty and immature and you are not being a very good friend, you sound demanding and selfish. It might be best that this friendship is over.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (22 June 2016):
 OP clearly if you stop rowing the relationship boat (friendship is still a relationship) you will see that it was a one sided friendship of location.
So how long are you going to wait to see if she contacts you and when she does not what are you going to?
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (22 June 2016):
OP clearly if you stop rowing the relationship boat (friendship is still a relationship) you will see that it was a one sided friendship of location.
So how long are you going to wait to see if she contacts you and when she does not what are you going to
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (22 June 2016):
 Don't be immature, OP. "Giving her a taste of her own medicine" is what children and teenagers do - not grown adults. You completely missed that that was the point of what Honeypie and I said.However, I actually think it would be very good to ignore her because she needs to realise that you're not her friend (if she hasn't already). You're controlling over how much you think she should talk to you, how she should act with you, etc. You have this "best buddy" idea in your head, but it's clearly not what the friendship was to her.I'm sorry, OP, but you are a little obsessive with this friendship and I know you're frustrated that you don't see the friendship the same way, but you need to let go of the friendship you thought you had with her. You're not best friends. You're currently being a bad friend by plotting to just ignore her for no reason, when she's likely to only not be contacting *anyone* much because she's very busy helping save lives abroad.Either don't be silly and accept that it's only a friendship in work, or don't be friends with her at all, but don't play games.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (22 June 2016):
 Maybe my point was not that clear, anyway it was :
Ok, she was your best buddy... but were you HER best buddy likewise ?. Apparently not, if you never met once outside the office or after she left it. I think she was content that you were just work buddies - and one does not make special efforts , ( particularly when short of time and energy and settling in a new country ) to keep up with work buddies.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2016): Your right honeypie, what I meant by giving her a taste of her own medicine. I meant was ignore her, like she does with me and see what happens.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (21 June 2016):
 And OP.... (to quote you)
" I'm just going to ignore her and give her a taste of her own medicine."
How is that going to make anything better? How is that going to help a friend?
You don't sound like you do friendships very well if you can't comprehend that you are NOT the Sun of her universe. That she MIGHT be super busy with all the new things she has to take in and some passive-aggressive digs (like the quote on top) would make MANY people simple ignore you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2016): Leave her be, she is volunteering in a third world country from the sounds of things, am I right? Let her get on with her thing and do her thing. If the friendship is meant to last, it will. If she is in your age range, this is the time for people to spread their wings and explore the world, to expand their horizons. Let her do so and don't try to clip them by reporting on stuff that she probably isn't interested in or even has time for right now.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (21 June 2016):
You're 26 - 29; "giving her a taste of her own medicine" is petty and immature. You clearly view this friendship as much more than she does. Stop fretting about it; if you were really her best friend, you'd be happy for her and not offended by her lack of contact. If she really saw you as a best friend (you seem to be clingy, which can be a bit annoying), she'd probably message you. Accept that you don't put the same value on your friendship and demote it to work friends only, which it sounds like anyway.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2016): Well she was my best buddy, but seven months with her being away is going to be harder. She isn't going to come back til Christmas, and if she hasn't replied by then and returns to work, I'm just going to ignore her and give her a taste of her own medicine.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (21 June 2016):
I can't but reiterate what the other posters say : a true friendship can stand either one or both taking a
" sabbatical ", due to various circumstances , from a changed , more hectic schedule to simply a moment when either one does not feel too " social ". You know that at some point you'll reconnect, and you'll take it just from where you have left.
BUT, since I remember the gist of your previous posts, I think the basic problem here may be another one. That you and her do not view or prioritize this " friendship " the same way, and you have very diffreent expectations from it.
She was a WORK buddy, right ? she was someone who worked in the same place as you, therefore interacting with you was very easy, let's say authomatical. We all have our favorites on the job, persons whom we can communicate more easily than with Others, and are better than others in helping to whie away the work hours. BUT, as far as I can remember, she was not your personal friend, in the sense that you never met outside the office, neither alone nor in group. In fact she ignored your request of going out for a coffee together.
Not to twist the knife in your wound, but, this should speak volumes ,IMO. For whatever reason of hers, she decided not to take your workday chats , or occasional email communications out in the " real world " of her after work hours. And that must mean something- like ,she is comfortable with a lighter, much more casual level of involvement than it normally happens between best friends- while you consider her instead your best friend .
Now, - without forgetting that in any case friendship is not about making demands for attention, I think that your disappointment is inevitable since you consider her your best buddy and an important part of your life, while she considers you, and considered you already , just a nice acquaintance . So inevitably you'd go by different "rules".
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A
female
reader, Keeley345 +, writes (21 June 2016):
Sounds like your friend is working rather than holidaying abroad. No, friends don't ever forget each other or about each other. But we all have lives, jobs, romantic relationships etc so these take up much of our time. Friendship as adults means respecting and understanding that we may be too busy to keep in constant contact. Teenagers are constantly texting or facebooking their friends because at that age our friendships are our world. When we become adults other things take priority. I don't text or Facebook my friends regularly. They never complain and nor do I when they don't keep in touch often. We're in our 30's with our own lives e.g jobs and marriages. But we are still friends and understand its OK not to see each other or speak for a while. If its over a year then its time for a serious catch up.I say give your friend a break. Focus on something here to do rather than dwell on her lack of communication. It can be annoying to have a friend bug you about lack of communication e.g texts. I'd be annoyed if you were my friend and you thought I'd forgotten about you. As long as you haven't fallen out then there is no need to worry. I don't mean to be harsh but try not to over think this.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (21 June 2016):
To quote Elisabeth Foley
"The most beautiful discovery true friends make is that they can grow separately without growing apart."
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You are expecting her to KNOW what rules YOU "play" by, and that SHE should play by the same.
That is not realistic.
If you feel like you are doing all the work and she none, then stop. Pull back, let her settle into her new job, country and responsibilities.
If you can't do that.... drop her, because you are being unrealistic and quite demanding for something you "call" a friendship.
When I was 19 I took a year off before uni/college and spend that year working in London. I had a blast. My BFF took the same year off and spend 6 months in a kibbutz in Israel. Beck then we didn't have internet readily available so we wrote each other "snail-mail" letters with pictures and made "care-packages" for each other. When she was done with her 6 months, she went back home and we still wrote + she visited me, because who doesn't LOVE London? Honestly though? She was one of the FEW of my friends I kept that much in touch with. Doesn't mean I didn't care for my other friends. I was just BUSY with work, busy making new friend, learning new stuff, exploring, partying etc. IT IS NORMAL.
I think you have unrealistic expectations of WHAT you think she OWES you for having been her office pal.
Sorry.
With all that said, if YOU think you would FEEL better cutting her off, DO SO - but make that YOUR decision not something that is somehow HER fault.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (20 June 2016):
"I've not heard from her by social media and I'm beginning to lose patience.She's helping abroad and providing water to disadvantaged people and trying to make a difference to them and their lives" She's busy helping people and saving lives, but *you* feel like she's taking you for a mug.... What have you done for her to take advantage of you by not contacting you? She probably barely contacts anyone, right now. You're not entitled to her attention.If she was your girlfriend, I'd understand. She's not supposed to go out of her way to message her friends because, if they are true friends who really care about her, they won't get so wound up about her lack of contact while she is *saving lives*!
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (20 June 2016):
 Believe me, it's possible. I've had more than one instance where a girl forgot about me when I was "away," out in the kitchen getting a soda!!!!!!!
Good luck....
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2016):
I'm not obsessed with my friend, its just that she isn't making any effort with me at all and I have doubts whether she is a true friend or just using me for what she can get. shes changed since she has gone away.
its a strange situation as at work we used to talk everyday and now we aren't at all. its like she doesn't care at all about my feelings. I know deep down she cares but in this instance she doesn't seem to be and if she did care about me as a friend she would respond.
I don't want to get hurt and feel like the outsider and if anything that's not a nice feeling to feel.
I appreciate the advice and will listen carefully to what you've got to say guys. But how many chances does she need?
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A
female
reader, RubyBirtle +, writes (20 June 2016):
When my friends go abroad on the kind of adventure that your friend is, I don't expect to hear from the at all. It's not always easy to get to a computer in some remote areas. I simply wait until they get back and pick up where we left off and hear all their news. If it's someone you'd see regularly through work, church, family or mutual friends, you'll soon pick up where you left off.
So do nothing....
Don't keep messaging her.
Don't keep waiting for a reply
Don't delete her on social media (don't burn your bridges)
But you can.....
Feel happy for her that she is pursuing her dream if you really are a true friend
Go out and have you own adventures in the meantime so YOU'VE got something to tell HER when she gets back.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2016): True friendship does not involve harshly judging our friends.
She is no doubt finding her feet and becoming adjusted to a whole range of things. Getting to know what is involved in the task, working hard and then finally going to bed exhausted.
Real friends can endure an absence without giving up on the friendship due to lack of contact for some time.
Our friends often have other priorities or other things they wish to accomplish. A good friend I've known since childhood friend is currently busy with houseguests and has dropped all her usual activities temporarily. We'll catch up once she has farwelled her nieces and her brother and his wife.
Just one friend should never be the main focus of our every moment.
What hobbies could you develop to occupy yout mind?
What new skill could you try to learn?
What films have you seen recently.
Could you join a gym?
Perhaps it is time to consider some counselling to help you deal with any any suggestion that you are obsessed with this friend?
It is not logical to imply that a friend is no longer your friend just because she is busy with another activity and thus is temporarily unavailable to chat and give you attention
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (20 June 2016):
She isn't going to "forget" you, but she might just be VERY busy with her volunteer work and making new friends and acquaintances - which... is quite normal.
You are still back where you are with less new things to adapt too, explore and learn. So it MIGHT feel uneven.
I think you just NEED to chill.
Write to her once a week, and if she can match that good, if she can't you can either write less or keep your end up. She doesn't OWE you attention because you are "Facebook friends".
If she has "downgraded" you to an acquaintance, feel free to do the same. You can't FORCE her to write you as often as YOU want her too. Nor can you FORCE a friendship.
If you feel like she isn't a positive influence on your life, delete her of social media. Or if you can't handle being a mere acquaintance.
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