A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:im so sad. i just discovered my boyfriend is back emailing this girl i asked him not to. U see shes linked to one of his foreign friends and he met her at an event abroad. i wasnt with him and when he came home he began emailing her. i discovered afew months later and told him how i was mad he'd kept it from me and not to mail her anymore. He said he hadnt told me coz i find it hard him having female friends. He said he'd deal with these randomers hes met on hols in his way and that was it.The last few months were great with us and then last week he acted weird with me. I looked at his mail being honest and saw she had mailed him out of the blue and he replied. Hes been different with me since and distant. It so horrible i want to cry. My hearts so heavy. She replied again and he waited afew days and replied. He didnt ask any questions but he did tell her stuff that left it open for her to mail him again. I dont understand why im not enough for him. Im so nice to him and have been so supportive about everything. Im suppose to meet him tw night and now i dont want to as im so hurt. I know i shouldnt have checked but hes turned me into a suspicious person. I really thought it was right this last while. Why do i feel like hes ruined it. And now i have too coz i know and cant say anything yet its bound to change how i act with him. Im so annoyed but more upset and hurt. Iv invested so much in him, i feel like a complete fool. please help Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2011): sorry its me again- meant to add we are going out 2 and a half years.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2011): hi i am the original poster but i forgot my number. I think its unfair to say im a suspicious person when u dont know me. I had other boyfriends before him and i never checked anything belonging to them. I became suspicious because he made me like that. I heard he met a girl before behind my back for coffee who was an ex of his. And then he told me he cheated on me at the beginning of our relationship with a girl who was 'his friend' for some time. That is why im uncomfortable with him having female friends. I know nothing happened with this other new girl but shes very flirty in her mails to him and although he doesnt reply flirty-hes jokey and the point is hes carrying it on instead of nipping it in the bud-being polite coz he knows her friend but then cutting it.
I have told him about a guy who was texting me and how i handled it and cut it so he knows im doing it to other people yet he wont. It makes me feel like hes keeping his options open.
I appreciate all comments and i take on board that i am perhaps clingy with him but in my defense i relaxed so much more the last few months when i knew i was the girl he talked to about stuff and i began trusting him again. Now that i know he has started emailing her again-hes ruined my peace of mind. Are all guys like this? And am i just fooling myself that i could be enough for anyone? Does everyone have people on the side they talk to and not tell their partners?
I just wish he had told me-coz i would have said email her back and be curtious but cut it. And if hes going out with me after previously cheating then yes i feel i have a right to put restrictions on female friends. The problem is he agrees to it but then goes behind my back. So after the whole cheating, emailing random girls incident 8 mths back i said im sorry yes u should have any friends you want, but just so long as u tell me about them&dont get too close to them. And he did come in telling me about one new one he has so i thought it was all great. And now this.
Unless its coz she falls into the girls from the past category? I dont know. I just feel like hes making a fool of me though. And i wonder why hes putting someone hes suppose to not care about above me. Thats the way i see it. He doesnt want to hurt her feelings by not replying but he will mine by deceiving me.
Sorry for long post- both positive and negatives about me are welcome as i want to fix this and feel better so if u think i need to cop on and live in 21st century please tell me to do so!
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A
female
reader, Battista  +, writes (19 November 2011):
From your post the reason for you being so upset is not clear.
Can you give us some more information, namely,
has he cheated on you before?
does his friend know he has a girlfriend?
why did you ask him to stop emailing her?
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A
female
reader, chickpea2011  +, writes (19 November 2011):
 Hi,Sorry for your pain. I am going through a similar situation myself. Words cannot describe the pain. The bottom line is, a relationship is nothing without trust. The thing I find it confusing is, why lie? Why keep it a secret, and make you believe everything is fine between the two of you, when clearly he's being dishonest about his feelings? The truth is, I am not sure about his intensions with this other woman, but it obvious that they have a connection somehow? He didn't stop communicating with this woman because he does want to continue whatever they have. He's cheating on you emotionally. It's not fair that he has a choice to develop a relationship with this other woman, and keep you on the side. He doesn't care about your feelings, and don't respect you. What if this friendship, or whatever he might call, becomes serious? Then what? How about you? I know he's going to say it's innocent, but what if becomes serious?I understand that feelings might change during the relationship, but what hurts, and make me upset is that, I feel I have the right to know what's going on. If he does want to continue communicating with her? That's fine, but at least be honest. That's the right thing to do. That's the decent thing to do. In my case, I don't mind if he wants to break up, or need some time alone, but do not lie!!!! I tried talking to him nicely, I gave him a chance to make a choice. I told him that I was fine with whatever decision he makes, yet few months later, I found out that he was still in contact, so I made my choice. I am over...This is so stupid. Lying, secrecy, playing mind games... Just know that you haven't done anything wrong, and this is not your fault. People that lie, cheat, and are dishonest have their own issues. It's in their character, and they will never change. Nobody is perfect, if you make a mistake, you should learn, and never do it again. That's what normal people do, but he has shown that he's not ready to change, or to be committed to you. Well, I gave you my opinion, and I hope I helped you somehow. I hope you feel better. Be strong, and I hope you can survive your relationship. Wish you wellGood luck
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2011): Firstly I don't think he has turned you into a suspicious person, you already were one. You told him to stop emailing her, thing is even though you are his girlfriend you don't have the right to chose his friends or tell him he can't talk to someone, you can ask him, but you can't tell him. Why are you not enough for him, he is a human being and every human being needs more than just person to talk to. Is he flirting with this woman? Was he cheating on you? from your post it sounds like he wasn't, you just aren't comfortable with him having female friends. There is nothing wrong with anyone having friends whether they happen to be of the opposite gendre or not. He didn't tell you he got an email from her because of the way you react, and you shouldn't be looking at his emails anyway. You are blaming him for everything, yes he should have told you considering the fact that you feel uncomfortable about it. The fact is that by your actions he is finding it easier to simply not mention it because it is going to be a huge drama for you. The more you act that way, the more you will push him away, try working on your insecurities and your clingy behavior because it is not attractive and unfair. I am basing this on how your post reads. A little more information would help. Has he cheated on you previously? To be honest you seem clingy and controlling, which is not a good way to be, as you will always be hurting. Trying talking to him calmly and explaining to him why you are worried about this issue, and listen to how he is feeling, though he will be angry if he finds out that your snooping into his mail. Good Luck.
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