A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I dated a guy for over 3 years but we broke up over a year ago. I gave him everything a person could possibly give in a relationship but he was a very selfish man and was only concerned with himself and his hobbies. Throughout our relationship I would turn to his brother when something was bothering me and he always listened and comforted me as a friend would. He made me feel good when my boyfriend made me feel worthless. I always got butterflies in my stomach when I saw him or knew I would be going to a family event because I got to spend time with him.Well I broke up with my boyfriend last year and remained close with my ex-boyfriend's brother. We confessed our love for each other about 9 months ago (months after his brother already broke it off with me) He is the most amazing person in the world and we are madly in love with each other. I have had the time of my life with him...but all in secrecy. He refuses to tell his family because he thinks they will disown him. Also his brother still talks about me and I think still has feelings for me but I haven't talked to him in a year. Anyway we recently decided to let each other go, even though I know he should be the father to my children. He said he will never be OK with telling. His brother is his very best friend and he refuses to hurt him. I am a miserable mess over this. It is just so unfair. What can I do about it? Or is it out of my hands? Has anyone else been in this situation and had it work out?
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI appreciate the responses I have gotten from you. They were all very helpful. I just wanted to add that on top of being brothers they are best friends and I know for a fact that my ex-boyfriend wants to reconnect with me and I also know that he is telling his brother that he misses me. I know that is adding to the stress of this situation. It is just so hard to go on with my day and forget that anything is wrong. rhythmandblues2, you are right about him building things up in his mind. But no matter what I say he still has it in his head that this is wrong.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2007): People usually cover up unpleasant news because they hate facing the consequences. And they know full well what will happen. This is your current boyfriend. Obviously, he feels his family doesn’t work well with relationships where one brother's ex gf is dating another brother. It's highly likely he feels this issue will blow his family right down the middle, and it could possibly happen depending on what kind of people they are. And if there is a huge division between the brothers over this-guess who'll get the brunt of the blame...you. I am sorry this is so painful for you, dear but nothing can be done about it. He has chosen and it's not you. My heart is with you...learn to accept this, heal and recover.
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A
female
reader, Amethyst +, writes (21 January 2007):
 I've seen something like this work out... in the movie "The Family Stone." If that's any sort of encouragement. Really though, it's out of your hands, you're not the one that should tell his family, he is. While it's understandable he doesn't want to hurt his brother, if he was really as in love with you as you are him, he would consider the facts:
-His brother shouldn't be in control of who he loves.
-His family shouldn't disown him, since his brother broke up with you and he didn't "steal" you from him.
-He was there for the three years his brother mistreated you, and should know that his brother didn't deserve you.
-He should know that if it's true love it shouldn't matter what anyone really thinks.
So if he's still into breaking it off, it's probably that he doesn't love you as much as you do him. It's a harsh fact to accept, but it's really the only reason why he couldn't face the fact his brother would get mad for a while, then have to get over it and accept he did you wrong. It could work out, I wish you the best.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2007): I was in a similar situation years ago, only the brother was mad at my boyfriend when he started dating me, because apparantly my guy beat him to it in starting something romantic, we all were friends for months before anything happened, though.
However, the brother continued to make the moves on me even though I was with his brother and when the two of us would take a break from each other, his brother would move in....I dated my guy for years, and the two brothers worked it out between themselves over me....
I don't agree with your current man's decision to let you go because he could never hurt his brother, I think if he really valued your relationship and wanted a future with you, he would be more than willing to bring your relationship out in the open, it has been over a year since you talked to the first brother, so obviously he has moved on emotionally from you, and if he wants his brother to be happy, I think he could learn to accept your relationship.
What I think is that this guy is just too uncomfortable with dating his brother's ex and has built it up in his mind that his family would hate him for it....all you can do is to disagree, but you can't change how he thinks, you can only change yourself and move on and act like you are unfazed by the rejection, and keep your secret as you always have.
Perhaps after losing you for good, he may even regret his decision and will ask for his brother's blessing to be with you, but untill that day, you should just forget them both....you may have dodged a bullet here from a life time of being treated as a second class girlfriend.
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