A
male
age
36-40,
*amdavy
writes:Hi,I am in my mid twenties and me and my girlfriend met at a mutual friends party and we ended up having class together the following semester in college and we ended up dating for two and a half years. We broke up about a month ago. Our relationship was really great, we hung out almost every day and when her roommate studied abroad we practically lived together. We had sex all the time and we were very intimate and close. She would call me and text me throughout the day telling me how much she cared about me, and although I didn't respond to all of them, I really appreciated the love she was showing me. As our relationship moved forward, she kind of realized that she loved me a lot more than I loved her. I showed her a lot of appreciation, but I am from a more conservative family (although my values aren't conservative) and I held back a bit from too much PDA and she definitely wanted to make out more than I did. We got in fights over small stupid things but we always made up quickly.The last six months of our relationship we drifted apart. I got preoccupied with applying to graduate schools and she ended up living with a family member which was a longer drive across town. We spent a lot less time together and our schedules changed so that it was hard to see each other. We had sex maybe once every few weeks. When we hung out though, things were great and she still showed me a great deal of love. It became more frequent though that she would say that she thought that she loved me much more than I loved her. I agreed with this, although I did love her a great deal.The last month of our relationship she told me she was unhappy. She had asked about us moving in together, which I felt was a little premature since I did not know where I would be accepted to schools. She said she had anxiety about how much I loved her. I felt terrible but I didn't really know what to do. A few weeks later she went on a trip with some friends out of town and didn't call me during the whole trip. When she got back she said she needed some time away from me and that's why she did not call (her phone was off though she had her charger there). I told her I wasn't angry and was willing to work on the relationship. The week she got back, she was distant. I had planned a date in a nearby city and had gotten a hotel room and reservations for dinner at a nice place. I was hoping to work on us. Before I could tell her about the date for the weekend, she told me that although nothing happened, her and her friend had been hanging out with a couple guys at a bar during her trip out of town. I have always trusted her completely and I believed that nothing happened. She then told me that these guys had invited her and her friend on an all expenses paid trip to a fun beach city. I was furious that she had accepted and had already bought a plane ticket. She insisted that it wasn't "like that" and she even said that she wouldn't go if I told her not to.I love her very much, and I know she hadn't gotten to travel a lot so I told her to go anyway. We got in an argument about it, and then we got into an argument about how she wasn't happy and she knew I wasn't happy in the relationship either. I told her I was trying, but needed more time. The argument got more heated and we ended up decided to go on a break. Shorty afterward, when she brought up the trip again, I broke up with her.Immediately, I knew this was a mistake. She was the love of my life, and I know at some point, I was the love of hers. After we broke up, I feel like my intimacy and commitment issues really dissolved and I know now that I love her more than ever. I know how to make our relationship work. I have told her this, and we decided to hang out as friends. We hung out a couple times, and they were great, but we definitely were just friends.That weekend, she took off work Monday and Friday and went on a four day trip with her friend and those guys who invited them to Miami. From what I can gather, they are very wealthy. I've seen the guy and although he seems nice, I know that I am better looking and better put together than him. I am a poor student though. I called her on her trip to make sure she was ok. She was very short with me and annoyed that I called. I even mentioned that I was calling to make sure she was safe, and that I wasn't angry with her for being on that trip.Since she has gotten back, I made the mistake of professing my love for her and how much I loved her and I know I was freaking out and seeming needy. (unattractive I know...) I told her the issues I've worked on and everything, but she didn't seem to want to hear it. I told her I know I hurt her a lot, and she agreed, and I asked her if I was ever the love of her life, and she said yes. I wanted to talk more, but she seemed so angry with me that I just stopped the conversation and she left.Last night we talked again and we once again agreed to be friends. I know she has been texting this guy from her trip constantly (while we dated she never knew where her phone was, but now, it's it's always clutched in her hand and she checks it constantly). We hung out as friends and we had a great time and made dinner and sat down and had a long conversation. We didn't talk about our relationship at all though. At one point, my a girl called me while we were hanging out and I answered. She asked me who it was and I told her. She got jealous and accused me of trying to make her jealous and teared up. I told her sorry etc. etc. and we got over it and had a great time sitting outside talking.I love her, and she's still the love of my life. I know we can be great together, but she's not giving me a chance because I think she's interested in this other guy. The other guy lives hours away and their relationship is based pretty much on a honeymoon in a beach town where he paid for everything. I know the chances of it working out for her are so slim and I am hurt she is giving us up for this illusion of happiness. I need advice on what to do! Should I just keep hanging out as friends? It kind of hurts, but she was definitely my best friend and lover. (although towards the end of the relationship, without sex and intimacy we were pretty much just best friends anyway.) I feel like I have to initiate hanging out with her and I want to see her all the time. Should I bring up getting back together at a later date? Should I even tell her I don't think her new relationship has any foundation? (probably not...lol..) Anyway, any thoughts or comments are WELL appreciated.
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male
reader, iamdavy +, writes (18 September 2010):
iamdavy is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOh, also, another question...
Although she seems to be infatuated with this guy at the moment, I feel like I have an advantage. He lives hours away, and how much of a relationship can you build with just phone calls/skype/texting?
She loved me SO fiercely while we were together. She's been in a few long term relationships, her last one being 3 years, and has told me she loves me more than anyone she's ever loved.
It seems strange she's throwing it away for this dude, but should I fight for her? How would I do that? She's game for hanging out, but I have to ask her to hang out. She's not reciprocating at the moment, but I feel like I know her so well and I know what is attractive to her.
Maybe this is just desperation sinking in. Maybe I should just do a no contact period? I have no idea what to do really. Help...
A
male
reader, iamdavy +, writes (18 September 2010):
iamdavy is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your honest perspective. Just today I realized that she has changed so much... she's not the girl I fell in love with, it just seems so strange that she changed in the period of two weeks. I can't love the girl she has become, although when were alone, I get a glimpse of the girl she used to be. I don't know how to tell her she's on a course for self destruction the way she is acting. She's throwing away a great relationship to pursue a dream. (I probably won't tell her that...)
Today I deleted her number from my phone, only as a gesture though since I know it by heart. I hope I can stop calling her and I think I'm going to stop answering all of her phone calls. Any thoughts on that?
I would love additional answers too. This is an issue which occupies my mind all day.
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (18 September 2010):
 Not going to give you false hope here, so odds aren't in your favor. Ever since she's met those guys from her trip with her friends, is bad news for you. It shows she was starting to stray, because her relationship was lacking the level of intimacy she wanted. Hence her phone being off that whole time. If you continue to be friends with her it will hurt you in the long run. You'll see her still being in a relationship and clinging onto a sliver of hope that you guys will get back together again. Once you've been moved into the friends zone for so long it's nearly impossible to get out of it.
To answer your questions, No I don't think you should continue to be friends, it's too early you just broke up...and she's already moving on. You need to do the same. If you want to hang out with her then yes you will always be the one making the effort. Which if she wanted to get back together she would make an effort as well. Don't bring up getting bak together at a later date, she will shoot down your idea. Lastly, if you diss her new relationship she will get pissed and not talk to you.
Honestly, look for a new girlfriend to aid you in getting over this girl.
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