A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:*Op's own title*A few weeks ago I broke up with my boyfriend. We had been together for six years. I have gone through so many emotions I am now lost and have no idea what to do or think.I broke up with him mostly because he was so uncomfortable with me making friends that I was unable to make any. He didn't like the method in which I made friends (online), didn't think it was appropriate for me to have gay friends, and didn't want me to start going out.I think more than that in itself it was his reaction to the problem. He just didn't seem to care that I was feeling lonely and wanted friends and a social life, and that I wanted to make friends now - not make them slowly through working like he did (I am a student at the moment and everyone I study with I get on really well with, but no firm friendships have formed). He is older than I am, and it was a real case of this is how I did it so this is how you should too in regards to making friends slowly through work.It was also intimacy, which had for five years of our relationship been on his terms. Basically I couldn't do much intimately/physically/sexually unless he wanted us to. He believed that since I wanted more it was approriate for him to decide when and what in regards to sex.So I walked. Those issues aside, and I realise they are BIG issues, everything else was wonderful. I miss being around him, living with him, sleeping next to him, having sex with him, talking to him, sitting and having a cuppa, going for a walk, watching TV, everything!I really worry that perhaps I put too much emphasis on certain thing in my decision and that I am throwing away something truly wonderful. To be honest I am terrified at losing him altogether and that I will never find someone that I click with as well as I do with him. I would have no trouble finding a new boyfriend but I am not sure I would get on with anyone else as well as I have with him.I was unhappy before we broke up and although I can remember the reasons I can't really remember how I felt any more. Obviously it was bad but in the few weeks that have passed, which feel like years, everything has just become a real blur.I think that is a bit of an essay sorry, but if you have read thanks so much.
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female
reader, hpoco  +, writes (17 April 2010):
 I know it sounds impossibles sometimes, but try to enjoy being alone. There is something exquisite about being able to do what you want, when you want, with no consideration for anyone else. I went through something similar to this when I broke up with my first boyfriend, its really hard, I didn't even know what I wanted as a single person. You almost have to unlearn certain behaviors that you formed when you were with the last person, to train your mind to think about only your own desires, instead of always remembering his (at least I had to do this). Everything is new for you now, you are a different person. So, you have to make new routines, things that YOU like doing alone, and that you will one day share with someone else. Focusing on doing this can help distract you from that ache you feel from losing him. I know its really hard, but trust yourself. Trust that you broke up with him because you felt you had to. I don't think its great to try and get back together, unless you honestly believe things will be different. You may have had something wonderful with him, but I'm SURE you can find someone else, now that you are older and wiser, and your next relationship could be just as good if not better. Good luck to you! Stay strong sista :-)
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2010): Hello,
After a break- up you are bound to feel a lot of emotions and in the midst of this, you sometimes forget why you broke up in the first place. Usually, this is due to you recalling great times, fond memories and everything that was GOOD about the relationship. These are very powerful anchors and although it seems natural to sit an reminisce about all the great times they don't actually help you get over your ex-boyfriend.
Yes, you miss sleeping next to him, watching tv with him and all the other fun times but keep in mind WHY you broke up. He didn't let you make friends, you were lonely, sex was on his terms. As you said these are huge reasons for leaving a relationship. Imagine your life with him in ten years time had you stayed: You wouldn't have any friends, you would be even more lonely, you wouldn't be sexually satisfied as more and more things that you wanted to do would have been turned down by him. On top of this you would have ten years worth of built up resentment and anger- at the fact that he stopped you from living a life that you wanted to live.
You feel you won't click with anyone as well as you did with him. Thats simply not true. Statistically speaking, there are millions of men in your country the chances of you clicking with at least one is much higher than you NOT clicking with any of them. The only thing that is holding you back is that you are remembering the routine you and your ex shared. Yes, watching tv wont be the same with a new guy, sex wont be the same with the new guy, having tea wont be the same with the new guy...but there is the potential that is can be BETTER with the new guy. You might even find your soul mate out there who will fit perfectly with who you are and you'll think why on earth you were scared about this is the first place!
Seriously, if you were unhappy then you did the right thing. If you want to talk more let me know.
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A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (16 April 2010):
 Concentrate on what it was that made you break up with him in the first place. Don't get nostalgic and lonely, and don't sell yourself short. Think of the resentful trapped feeling he put you in, and the control he wanted to exert over your every move.
You *will* find someone new who will CHERISH you for who you are, and not try to mold you into HIS imaging of you. You were right to drop him, and you need to "lose him altogether". Put a period on your relationship and MOVE on. You were fine before you met the guy, and you'll be fine again.
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