A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Why is it socially acceptable that when the marriage has problems and one spouse wants out that the other spouse is left picking up the shattered pieces? They are left raising the children and reassuring them of future happiness. Dealing with the every day issues that the other had enough of....I don't want the money yes it helps but rather have the spouse's time and effort. The way I feel now I got the short end of the stick this person is foot loose and free while I still play merry home maker. Why do we as a society allow this?! I even bought into the let him go you will be fine truth is no amount of therapy(3 years worth) has gotten me to see any different in fact I feel even more at lost now then when all the drama was going on. The children miss him they don't understand why he must find happiness with out us. The visits they get are short and brief so he can go play. I wished I never agreed to a separation no I listened to my family and friends who said that if I respected myself that this is the only way okay well self respect put aside I rather have the help more then anything!!! Big whoop on showing inner strength and giving in to the divorce. He would of stayed for the kids and I let him go.....why do I feel robbed?!
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female
reader, Abella +, writes (28 November 2010):
 He is doing a lousy job as a father. No wonder you are exhausted. His children need to be parented by both parents yet he is doing .001% and you are doing the lion share.
Just keep documenting his visits and any phone calls to the children. Then in about 6 weeks see your lawyer, with your little book, and go back to court to renegotiate some mandated father contact time.
And forget him visiting you to see the children.
The contact time can be at his place.
Too bad if it causes Miss twinkle toes Paramour a problem. Because she needs to realise she has taken on a man with children.
If he has to get 3 camp stretchers for the children to sleep over once or twice a month from from Fri after school until 7pm when HE brings them home on a Sunday evening to you, then so be it.
And before that happens you will have to inspect his living arrangements to ensure it is suitable and safe for your children
He's had things how he wants it,
And Miss twinkle toes Paramour may even get sick of him with all this new regime. If she leaves him that is not your problem,
How lacking in integrity this man is.
And very soon you will need more support with the 13 year old The age when teens start to ark up.
PS the belly dancing is a great idea.
Goog luck with all this, if you want to, feel free to update here with how it is going
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes he left for another woman, just didn't come home from work waited till the children were at school & I at work to get his things. I was crazy with emotions hence the three years of therapy. He will pop in their lives once every three weeks for maybe 2 hours?! I do not think I can force him to stay longer? Or for him to actually have them over to where he lives(not sure where that is) this time of year is the hardest for us we did go look at christmas lights tonight. I will try & get more motivated about doing more activities with them outside the house. This house is a tomb no matter the redecorating I can't rub out the past yet I can't sell this god-awful home either my neighborhood has 4 homes up for sale. He gladly pays me & signed the house over to me just to be rid of us its disgusting at best this is not the man I married he lost his damn mind! Its one thing to write me off but to do that to your own flesh & blood?!why he thinks his visits are enough for them I will never know.....you are right abella I know I should get out more its hard to meet new people right now but I used to belly dance 3 years ago it would be nice to take the classes again. The eldest is 13 & the twins are 7 sadly enough he was the biggest helper with the twins when they were babies then he decided he had it this was way too much for him. I will start to document the visits never to late. Thank you for the advice honestly the help from strangers is eye opening & what momma needed to read!!!!
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (28 November 2010):
I get the feeling that you were pressured into this divorce. You were reluctant. He wanted the separation. Clearly he's moved on. And sadly you do need to accept that the marriage is finished for him.
I sense that a divorce was his idea from the start?
He wanted a divorce and he got a divorce. He's not coming back.
He is though still responsible for the care and maintenance of his children.
I am sure that these care arrangements for the children have already been documented, but if not Get the care arrangements for the children all well documented through your lawyer and through the Court.
Exactly just how often and for how long each of his access visits to his children should be.
And separately you need to keep a written record of his arrival time, in a small book that you keep in a secure space. Detail his arrival time, how long he spends with his children, and his departure time, in case of a dispute.
DO NOT tell the children you are doing this. Do not involve the children in your fights with him. That is not fair on your children. DO NOT let him know you are documenting the visits. This record can be very important in a future dispute on whether he is doing his share, demonstrating his commitment to his children.
Now that you are the primary carer of the children you need some respite, such as one additional week off child caring every three months.
Can you go back to the lawyer and renegotiate the access arrangements with your husband?
I imagine he is paying regularly for the care of the children? If not back to the lawyer for that,
And that one week off every three months should involve him paying all the costs of transporting and caring for the children for each one week they spend living with him.
You have been through what is a very traumatic event, yet there are positive experiences awaiting you. But first you have to feel better about your situation.
And you need to develop positive experience opportunities before you feel more positive. Once you feel more positive you will be surprised how positive people and experiences come to you. And are attracted to you.
What is possible to lift your spirits and feel more positive about accepting that this change has happened, and it is permanent?
Can you make a commitment to do something to improve your fitness and have fun? Maybe join a Zuma class? Or something to bring more calm to your life, by joining a Yoga class?
Can you get in touch with your creativity by joining a painting class and create art that a community art group could display and sell? That would give you another support network and bring in occasional dollars as well?
Your children have suffered too. They need some positive memories too, after this traumatic event. On a Sunday at noon could you pack the car with a packed hamper containing lunch and drive to a fun place/park where they could sit and eat the lunch you prepared at home, with the children. And go for a walk together afterwards.
Shared activities are great too. Do you have an area where you and the children could establish a vegetable garden in spring? Imagine the joy for the children planting and then harvesting their own corn in summer? Consult a local garden place of what you could plant, then ask the children to choose what to plant, from that list.
Shared cooking at home, at a safe level for each child, is another great activity for the children to do with you. For the very young they can ice cupcakes you made, and choose which sprinkes to put on top.
For slightly older children show them how to make gnocchi (very easy) and older again children can chop and grate all that's needed for a bolognese sauce to go over the gnocchi. Add other spices to a bolognese sauce suddenly you have the basis of making taco sauce, with the children slicing up the lettuce and grating the cheese for their taco.
Sure the kitchen can get messy, but this is building fun times with the children.
Also get the children helping you fold washing while watching tv, as part of their chores. Don't allow the children to brood and get sad by retreating to their rooms.
If the children are over 5 they should be making their own beds. Over 3 they need to pick up their own toys. Put a star chart up in the kitchen to display their compliance.
Show the children they too can have lots of fun with you and without spending big $, but they also have responsibilities to contribute to what needs doing at home too.
Get some coloured paper and scissors, glue, glitter etc and make some Christmas decorations together. MarthaStewart web site has good ideas on this.
Another great project is parking the car and then doing some safe hiking in a national park, watching out for birds, wildlife, trees and vegetation. Then sitting down later to drink some soda and talk about the experience and what they saw, and liked best.
Getting you and the children out of the home and out of the car and into the fresh air improves their outlook and builds good memories between you and the children
Are there interesting libraries, art galleries, museums or a zoo, as very special more occasional (albeit more expensive) places that you and the children could visit?
Is there a support network of newly single parents you could join in your area?
Babysitting for 3 hours once a week would also allow you to do something nice, all by yourself, such as visiting the gym, alone
Where i used to live the girls at the pre school got talking and we formed a babysitting club. New entrants had to be recommended (and known well by) by two existing members to join.
Most of those joining were married couples, plus 3 divorced girls and one widowed with children. No money changed hands. And you chose who you wanted to sit your children. It was a points system. 1 point for 1 hour of baby sitting. Same points debited your account when you used some hours to have your children cared for. Always the sitter came to the home of the children. The single parents were permitted to bring their children too, since they had no man at home to share the load. So both sets of chidren got to enjoy it as a social occasion for them.
You could not be more than 20 hours in debit nor more than 20 hours in credit. One coordinator kept the book with the hours tallied up, it worked really well.
Woman end up financially worse from divorce. Which is why the woman does need the very very best lawyer to gouge out as much $ as possible. That sounds so mean, but it's especially important if there are children. And very important if you now have to pay someone to do tasks your partner used to do (mow grass, change light globes too high for you to reach etc)
Men recover financially much more quickly from divorce. Which is why they should be paying a fair share to you.
The person planning to go also often sets aside funds in a hidden fund so that asset cannot be discovered by their partner. And it shows why a wife should never allow a husband to deal solely with finances alone. And a wealthy wife who allows her husband's PA to pay her bills and keep her quarantined from what the
couple are really worth is potentially short changeing herself.
This has been a shocking experience for you. And you are still grieving the loss of your marriage. Strange as it may seem you will eventually emerge stronger from this. Maybe you can't see this. In the interim your children are still growing. They want to see their Mom happier. And you have the power to make that happen.
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A
female
reader, bitterblue  +, writes (28 November 2010):
 We hear you, and I hope you move on to a more peaceful state at some point, for your sake and the kids'.
Do you miss this man or just wish that someone else hopefully better equipped for a lifelong journey, filled his gap?
Why did you separate in the first place? The way I understand this, suppose you separated because he cheated: you would rather be with a husband who cheats (or a drunk, or someone with any other faults), turning a blind eye to it, than divorce?
It's normal to feel robbed - of all the illusions you held for the future perhaps - at first at least; you said you underwent 3 years of therapy, what did they consist of and how come they have not been of any help at all?
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A
female
reader, natasia  +, writes (27 November 2010):
 I'm sorry. : (
People are so quick to say 'get rid of him' - family, close friends, everyone and anyone - but you are right: maybe better to put up with a compromise for the sake of all still being together, and the kids at least being happy.
Can you get him back now?
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