A
female
age
36-40,
*dk415
writes:I have been engaged for about 9 months now n decided to postpone the wedding for another year. Now I am not sure if I even want to marry him, here's why: I had a long term relationship of 5 yrs that I ended bc it was somewhat emotionally abusive. He was my first love and my first everything. The push that I got to end my relationship is my current fiance. During the last months that I was with my x, I saw my fiance a couple times and he swept me off my feet. Everything my x did wrong he did right. So I broke up with my x n started to date my fiance immediatly and before I knew it I was in love. 6 months later we got engaged. The major problems lie here. My fiance has been unable to find stable employment for the past year and that worries me deeply bc I do not want to have to support us both. I am very ambitious and he is not. When we firs started dating he presented himslef like a completely different person. And now that I know him, I see him as being lazy, unmotivated, and codependant. I feel completely financially insecure with him. I have an amazing credit score he doesn't. I have savings he doesn't. I am debt free he has debt. I can maitain a job seems like he can't. For the past year I have financially supported him n he took advantage of it. After we had many fights and arguments about it, he said he would change and he has. However, he still needs me to help him in small amounts here and there. Major problem m #2. I believe he is a habitual liar. That is why I feel like I fell in love with a diff person. I have comfronted him on this n he has reluctantly admitted to having a bad habit of "streching the truth" and said he will change. I thus don't trust him and don't know if he will change. I love his family they have been a huge support to me and I would feel terrible letting them know I broke the engagemnt. He is also extremely dependant on me emotionally and can't go a day without seeing me. He has a hard time giving me space. He also has hyperthyroid and suffers from panic attacks whenever we have issues. I feel like if I break this engagement I could really hurt his health. He is a very sweet guy, very loving and caring. He listens to me and is always there for me. I do love him. I just don't know what to do. And I still think of my x constantly. Help!!!
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ambition, broke up, debt, emotionally abusive, engaged, fell in love, fiance, insecure, liar, wedding Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Chippy2 +, writes (20 August 2010):
Oh Sweetie - read back what you wrote out loud to yourself and the answer will be obvious.
Even the last sentence says it all - And I still think of my X constantly! But dont head back to him!
There is some time frame to re-adjust after a relationship so that you can head into the next one stable also, my neighbor - a wise older woman - said that you should date and or be engaged at least 3yrs because no one can hide their true spots that long.
Your fiance has spots it seems and realize you are not responsible for his health problems. But the lying and spending and unability to hold a job are REAL deal-breakers. (spots)
There is a book called Deal-Breakers - You may want to read it -
Best of Luck to you - I think you are very wise.
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