A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:My LDR boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year and have always been honest about each others past as trust and being honest is the key to a stable relationship, right? I thought so.Before knowing my now boyfriend, I used to go to parties for fun and even though I wasn't someone who would go to bed with everyone that slapped my ass (as a matter of fact didn't go to bed with anyone other than my current boyfriend) I did make out with 3 guys while slightly drunk. Which makes a grand total of 4 kissing partners in my life and to my boyfriend it is a great sin.He says that he feels like a loser because he had to wait longer to get a kiss from me than the guy that got a kiss the night I was at a party. I don't really understand the problem as I wasn't with anyone and didn't even know my now boyfriend back then so thought nothing of it and didn't know that it might potentially affect someone in this specific way. This has in fact lead to many arguments most of them of him asking me if I played around with the guy and if I was really a virgin when me and my boyfriend were together for the first time and whether the other guy was somehow better than my boyfriend and that's why he got a kiss from me faster than my boyfriend did.He can't get the image of me practically being a sl*t sitting on strangers laps and making out with them and I don't understand why as I haven't done anything like this since being interested in him.I guess my only question is, is he being reasonable? As well as what am I supposed to do to stop the arguments that are caused because of my past as the past is something I cannot simply change.I apologize if this whole question doesn't completely make sense as writing while feeling tired and hopeless doesn't end well.Thank you.
View related questions:
drunk, kissing Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (17 March 2016):
 Male anon, it’s unreasonable of her boyfriend to carry on about this after one year of dating. Either accept it or move on. Continuing to bully her and argue about it is NOT reasonable. So yeah, she kissed another boy faster than she kissed him. So? Is she with other boy? No. She chose this one. He WON.
If he feels like a loser after a year, that’s HIS issue. He knows her past. Which is not appalling by any stretch of the imagination.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2016): I agree with most of the advice that Tisha-1 gave. But I strongly disagree with one piece of it:
"He says that he feels like a loser because he had to wait longer to get a kiss from me than the guy that got a kiss the night I was at a party
---he’s blaming you for his own feelings about himself. Red flag"
This is not an irrational idea at all. This is a simple measurable fact. Girls don't make sexy guys wait, they make guys wait when they want something from them. (Maybe the something is a relationship or maybe they are stringing him along, but it's SOMETHING other than just a good time or a roll in the hay.)
Men's feelings of attractiveness are deeply tied to their ability to get women to drop their pants, not get women to demand a commitment. This is reflected in women's attitudes & habits with sexy men too.
Women, you can't make a guy wait longer than others and then expect him to believe he turned you on as much as the others. It does not work like that.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (15 March 2016):
He’s annoyed somewhat, or he’s having uncontrollable images playing in his head? Those are two different ends of a spectrum.
So you met him online, chatted for a while, then decided to meet in person.
I think these are your key points about his ability to handle his own obsessive thought patterns:
*He says that he feels like a loser because he had to wait longer to get a kiss from me than the guy that got a kiss the night I was at a party
---he’s blaming you for his own feelings about himself. Red flag
*This has in fact lead to many arguments most of them of him asking me if I played around with the guy and if I was really a virgin when me and my boyfriend were together for the first time and whether the other guy was somehow better than my boyfriend and that’s why he got a kiss from me faster than my boyfriend did.
---continuing arguments, lack of trust in you and asking you to compare him to another boy. Yuck, that isn’t good at all.
*He can’t get the image of me practically being a sl*t sitting on strangers laps and making out with them
---if he thinks you are a slut then you really do need to get out now.
You can’t stop the arguments because he’s not able at this point to let this pointless and damaging thinking pattern change.
Point him to Yos’ posts and suggest he read them through.
This guy is 18, you met a year ago when he was 17, he is showing signs of RJ, and his brain isn’t fully developed yet! He needs to get help ASAP.
He knows your past--kissing 3 guys with some alcohol on board at a party, that’s not awful, it’s fairly normal adolescent experimentation--has had an entire year to come to grips with it, but cannot, so is continuing to start arguments and question your truthfulness.
Just because you kissed a couple of guys at a couple of parties doesn’t make you a liar or a slut or less than deserving of respectful behavior.
He needs to figure out how to deal with it himself, he’s dumped the task of fixing HIS feelings on you, and you for some reason have taken up the impossible task.
If I were you I’d respectfully had that task back to him, let him know that he’s had a year to come to some sort of peace with your past, which obviously can’t be changed nor do you need to apologize or explain it over and over again. Decline to participate in any more post-mortems of the incidents and certainly decline to accept the label of slut.
This is his problem to fix. You can’t do it.
What do your friends and family think about this situation? Have you told them?
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUPDATE 2I was in no mean trying to say his 'sweet' promises are changing anything, I merely just wanted to portray the whole situation as I missed out a lot in the original question.Tisha-1, to answer your questions he is 18 and we met online (live 3 hours away and get to meet twice a month. don't know if this information is relevant) And yes, he is mainly annoyed by the fact that it took those 3 others less time to get a kiss than it took him, I'm not trying to save him from everyone saying he has problems because lets face it, he has.Thank you for everyone's answers.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2016): Let him get the counseling and end the relationship all the same. There comes a time when young women have to learn when it is necessary to give up on unhealthy relationships; hoping some guy is going make some overnight transformation after showing his ass like a baboon.
He isn't showing maturity or a stable mind, and you're too young to deal with this kind of nonsense. What are you to do in the meantime? While he's obsessing and thinking the worst of you. All this time, you're naively waiting for him to change. Holding on to that cliche promise:" I promise I'll do better." He's had that chance. Yet it's so bad, it's going to take professional counseling to help it?
How red does a red-flag have to turn, before it is realized that some guys are just not good boyfriend-material?
We always get the OP update where he sweetly makes all the promises, and all of sudden everything hunky-dory. Sorry, it's all too typical of the twisted boyfriend; and this is always the response we aunts and uncles get when we get to the meat of a matter concerning abusive and/or unstable partners within a relationship. The abused starts to come to his defense, and say how sweet he is. I'm sorry, but he needs help and your love isn't going to change him. It may take a long time and a lot of professional help. It should register in your mind how serious his problem must be that he can't stop picturing you like some super slut. These things sometimes don't change at all.
The guy has a serious mental issue. You have to see it for what it is.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (14 March 2016):
There’s a difference between being a bit sad that you weren’t your girlfriend’s first kiss (at age 18, though? Really?) and having uninterrupted obsessive thoughts or images run through your mind, interrupt your sleeping patterns.
How old is this guy?
I’d let him get the counseling he needs, I hope it is able to deal with obsessive thought patterns he’s experiencing.
How did you meet this guy?
As for waiting to kiss him a bit longer, I suspect there was a little part of you that made you hesitate. Maybe he’s great on paper but in person doesn’t really do it for you?
The key phrase to me was this: “Which makes a grand total of 4 kissing partners in my life and to my boyfriend it is a great sin.”
A great sin.
That you kissed 3 guys. And is annoyed by the timing. That he wasn’t the fastest to kiss you?
Your boyfriend has RJ in a big way and unless you are prepared for years of his disappointment that he was the FOURTH guy to kiss you .... then get out now. While you can.
Read the posts by this uncle: http://www.dearcupid.org/people/yos ; there are hundreds and they are very educational.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUPDATETo my question I must add that me and him did talk about the fact that he says these things and that they hurt me and he does stop talking about it when he realizes that I'm hurt. He says that when I spend time with him and hug him/kiss him sometimes he cannot get the image of me doing this to other people out of his head and he doesn't know how to. He has trouble falling asleep because of these images (for the past 6 months or so) and had dreams of seeing me kiss others.He himself knows that it's an issue with the way his mind processes this information and therefore has signed up for and booked counselling sessions because he himself doesn't want to think of me this way. Overall he is a kind soul and I believe (this may be just me wanting the relationship to not end) that it's something which can be fixed. Or am I just being naive?I should have mentioned it in the main question but forgot to do so, and don't really know if this changes anything.Thank you for all of your replies, they help
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2016): I do not defend the way your BF is grilling you and giving you such a hard time over this. He needs to handle his feelings about this better. But maybe I can give you a bit of insight into how he feels:
Your BF is not torn up because you "sampled some frogs looking for a prince". His problem is that you liked frogs better than princes. And when you found a prince, you made him work harder for you than you made the frogs work.
That is what your actions say. Actions speak louder than words.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2016): My ex-boyfriend is somewhat like your current boyfriend. He has always nagged me about my past (my past bfs actually). He always came up with the problem of not getting my first kiss, not telling him about everything I did with my ex boyfriend. I was always sad, full of tears throughout that relationship. I can understand your situation now. My relationship turns out to be lacking trust between us. That got worse when we happened to disconnect each other and when guys come to talk to me on social media. As my boyfriend didn't trust me, he stole my fb password secretly and was checking on me. He misunderstood everything and didn't listen to any of my explanation and we broke up. But now, we remain as bestfriends caz we both know we love each other. still. So yeah, the main problem between us was trusrt issue. I advice you to break up with him before he tells you to. and I know he can't bring you enough happiness you want. So better you dont wait for him to leave you. You better leave him now as a boyfriend and that if you still love him, you can remain as friends contacting each other. Wish you good luck with your relationship!! :D
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (11 March 2016):
Get out now. While you can.
Your LDR boyfriend has a retroactive jealousy issue. You’ve kissed 4 men and he is creating images in his mind...
You won’t be able to fix this for him; nothing you can say will change this.
He’s not being reasonable. This isn’t something that is rational or logical.
What are you supposed to do? There’s nothing you can do and it’s a waste of time to try.
Sadly, ending the relationship is your best bet for a happy future. His future, well, that’s going to be his tribulation.
...............................
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (11 March 2016):
 Some guys think of relationships as an effort to get affections, and not something they really want to be in. If women have a beauty standard that's often on the magazine covers, men's standard is to be the guy who can hook up with any women just for the sake of it. They feel like suckers if they have to go through dating, relationships and marriage. Think of women who have body image issues because of the unrealistic expectations from society, from media, it's the same thing for men. They feel like losers if they can't attract a girl for casual sex.
This is his problem alone. Making you feel shameful about your past is not going to help his self esteem. His unrelentless questions are sadistic. He is wallowing in self pity. Asking about your past has nothing to do with trust and honesty. It only feeds his obsession, and his need to control the situation, to make sure you won't leave him for his inadequacy. Also, to keep repeating the conversation he gets you to reassure him that you are loyal, and that your past has nothing to do with the present. It gets very exhausting for you and I hope you see that these questions would be endless, even when you are living together, or married for years, unless you firmly put a stop to it and refuse to talk about such nonsense.
It's useless to argue now. If he can't believe you that you are a virgin then there's no trust in this relationship. Whenever he talks about other guys, it's not a relationship of the two of you anymore. It's you, him, and the guys' lips and bigger penises that he imagined.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2016): I don't really believe simply having a discussion is going to get you anywhere. He sounds like a guy with a serious problem with jealousy, and he's beginning to show his true colors.
Since he is a long-distance boyfriend,this is usually a sign of wear and strain from holding on too long. I'm sorry my dear, but this is how most LDR's end-up. Especially for young people in your age-group.
I don't really suggest you plead any cases for your innocence; or tolerate this disrespectful and accusatory behavior any longer. It has reached the point of abuse; because it is beginning to distress you.
He's pounding you with these questions in an attempt to make you punish yourself from self-imposed guilt for things you've done, but have not confessed. That is cruel and manipulative behavior. Like when a little child who once stole a cookie; but it may have been months ago. There is a cookie missing, and you keep bringing the issue up. The child will become very much distressed and will make a confession; even though they may not have stolen the missing cookie. You may have been naughty once, maybe not to the degree he perceives it; but according to your own standards of behavior. This makes you start to feel guilty, when in fact you're not at all. He's hoping to harp a confession out of you; as if you're in a police interrogation. Asked the same question over and over and over until you break.
I think you should shut-down this relationship. This guy is a nutcase. You are so upset by all this you're writing to strangers to figure out what to do. It's time to hand that fool his walking papers; and take time off to detach your feelings.
eddie85 is correct. You are powerless in this situation; because you don't have the power to reset someone's mind hellbent on accusing you of being slutty and promiscuous. Simply because he's too far away to keep an eye on you, and he's got junk conjured up in his imagination. You're being foolish by relenting to it. I attribute this to be young and naive.
You are very inexperienced with such behavior. You must learn when situations are getting out of control, and a male is behaving irrationally. You must get out of it, no matter how much your heart tells you otherwise. It can sometimes become very dangerous. Especially where jealousy is concerned. I highly suspect this young man is of a different culture; and may have very harsh restrictions on female behavior.
...............................
A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (11 March 2016):
 I am sorry to hear that you are going through this.
I hate to say it, but you are really powerless in this situation. The fact is, the past is the past and no apologizing or wishful remorseful thinking is going to change it. Nor should you feel guilty about what you did. It is within reasonable expectations that you are going to experiment and sample what is out there.
First off, are you dealing with a virgin? Has he never had a girl friend or flirted with a girl? Is he holding you to a standard that he hasn't met?
One potential response to his questions though was that you had to sample a few frogs before you found Prince Charming. And that's largely the truth. You should also remind him that your feelings are strong for him and that he was better than the rest.
Hopefully this doesn't come between you two and I'd be frank to him that his questions and persistence are driving a wedge between you and him. Also be insistent that you've been truthful about your past and he needs to accept that fact.
Eddie
...............................
|
