A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My man loves Anal sex, but I couldn't be more turned off by it. We are engaged to be married, and have been dating for three years. We have amazing sex, on the daily, but when it comes to anal, I'm just not in to it. This is creating some problems between us that makes me question if we really are going to be able to spend the rest of our lives together. During the first part of our relationship, I was open to it because I thought, "maybe I don't like it because I'm not use to it." I thought that maybe after trying it a dozen times it'll be easier, or more enjoyable..... All of those times were in vain though because I still absolutely hate it. It hurts, It's can be messy, and for the next two days I don't trust myself to be more than ten feet away from a bathroom. There is just nothing sexy about it to me. Its not that I'm a prude by any means, or even that I deny him that often, but after three years of 'trying' to like anal, It's apparent that It's just not for me. Sometimes during regular sex, he'll ask if he can, and I always feel put on the spot because saying 'No' to your lovers request during intimate moments really has a way of ruining the mood. Yet, by him asking when were already hot and heavy really ruins the mood for me. So, I say no, and he's disappointed, or I say okay and Grin and Bear it, lie there hating life until he finishes. Either way, as soon as it comes up, Sex is over for me regardless if were finished. A few weeks ago, the last time we tried, he stopped in the middle, and said, "This just isn't even sexy." and left the room. (pertaining to my inability to pretend like I liked it.) That comment was devestating to me. That was the first time in three years that I felt like I wasn't enough for him. Now it's all I can think about. Shouldn't the person I'm going to marry be on the same sexual page as me? I certainly do not want him to ever feel like he's missing out on something by being with me, or that there is something sexual he needs that he can't get from me, nor do I want to have to bend over and take it for the sake of our relationship, because aside from this aspect, our relationship if flawless. We've talked about it. He says its like when your really craving pizza, you think about pizza all day, what toppings you want, where your gonna order it from, how melty the cheese will be, only to come home and find a nice sushi dinner waiting for you. It's not that Sushi isn't great, but its certainly not pizza. I do love him and want to be a giving and thoughtful lover, but when it comes to this I am starting to feel as if maybe were not meant for each other. I have alway been under the impression that your soul mate will want the same things as you, that way no one should have to compromise. Especially in the Bedroom. So is it hopeless? I'm sure I'm not the only woman out there who hates anal... How do I deal with this?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2011): I would never put my girlfriend in this position, I as a person find it quite hard to tell her to do things, i feel that she does more than enough, she knows what i want and that also her previous boyfriend was very pushy regarding anal. Obviously as the relationship progressed we communicated about turn ons and offs, that i should ask more and visa versa.
I enjoy anal, something about it does get me going but i would never and have never raised the question during sex. Anal isnt my decision, especially as its more for my benefit than hers, id never do anything to hurt her.
I think your boyfriend has stepped way over the line, obviously after 3 years and an engagement, he feels comfortable and over-cocky in the relationship. Especially with regards to his pizza quote which i had to read twice. If your going to discuss something, at least do it respectfully for a start. I think that your three years of trying it for him are extremely kind and admirable but obviously enough is enough and you really need to draw the line. If you dont he may keep crossing it, setting a precedent for the rest of your married lives.
I understand that 3 years is a long time to love someone, if this is his only flaw, i would say that an instant dump may be going too far. This is something you really need to sit down and talk about. If he isnt made aware of the issue, how can he change? It may certainly ring alarm bells for him, especially if you mention its almost relationship breaking impact.
It would certainly make me think twice.
Good luck with it :)
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2011): Buy a nice large strap on dildo and have anal sex with him (same intensity and duration he gives to you). Tell him this really turns you on and you also think of having your slice of pizza on a regular basis.
If this turns him on and he enjoys it, I guess you have a few decisions to make.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2011): He is selfish plain and simple. If I was you I be rethinking marrying this man, if he is so hung up over anal and his worth ending a relationship over then his not worth it.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (5 December 2011):
 If you don't like it and he insists on doing it then you are not compatible and I fear this will be a major permanent sticking point for you.
You should not be doing something you do not like… and he needs to accept that. IF he can’t accept it then you have to determine as a couple what options you have.
a. He can do without anal sex
b. You can break up if he can’t do without anal sex and you can’t deal with option c
c. He gets a partner just for anal sex (not an option I would want in my current relationship but since I would have accepted it in other relationships I will throw it out there for you to chew on)
I have to admit that with most men I have always hated anal sex… and submitted rarely. With my current partner it’s on the table maybe twice a month and I am perfectly fine with it with him…
In addition, I have had to make the choice to do without receiving oral sex from my partner because he just cannot/will not perform this task. (And I knew this and accepted it from the beginning). But that’s my choice to do.
IF you tell your partner now, I cannot and will not accept anal sex any longer, you have to deal with the consequences of his choice. He may choose to stay with you and accept that Anal is off the table or he may leave. IF you don’t want to do it and he wants it then you can’t force him to stay with you if you refuse to do something. Just like if you wanted children and he did not…w would you force him to have children?
Of course, it’s going to be harder to backpedal and his argument will be “but we’ve done it for three years why the change now???” And the answer is “I’ve tried for three years to make this work and I realize now I cannot do it and I wanted you to know before we got married so you can make your choice”
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A
male
reader, Thought_I_KnewSomething +, writes (5 December 2011):
Craving food is nothing like craving a sexual position, so this terrible analogy just illustrates how far over the edge he is about anal. I like it too, but get over yourself dude. If, after three years, he's still expecting his pizza but then acts all surprised when he gets sushi, then he's obviously not thinking about you, only himself. He doesn't deserve a person who's as thoughtful, caring and generous as you. You certainly don't want to spend the rest of your life (literally) going round and round with him about this. Based on his lack of regard for your emotions during that scenario you described, it doesn't sound like he's willing to even consider your feelings. Do not marry this man (unless by some miracle this gets resolved) because it doesn't sound like he truly loves you. If he did, he wouldn't treat you that way.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2011): You probably can't see that this relationship is far from amazing because you're not on the outside. Your bf has a major character flaw which is narcissism and selfishness to an extreme degree. If he were a healthy individual he would never want you to do something sexually or otherwise that causes you discomfort and upsets you. This side of his character will show up in other areas of your relationship at some point.
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A
male
reader, JustHelpinAgain  +, writes (4 December 2011):
You are right to question his feelings for you as it sounds like he is fare too immature to get married. He has to work it out, pizza or you. It doesn't matter how much he craves something if you don't like it. It could be a respect issue, but much more its a caring issue, and at the moment I would say he doesn't care enough about you for you to be talking about marriage. My wife thought all guys want anal and we tried but its so obvious she was just doing it for me that I got was really turned off (and an infection that needed a doctors visit!)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2011): Anal sex vs, a loving, supportive, kind, considerate, nuturing, inspiring, faithful, beautiful, intelligent, witty woman.
Yah your guy sounds like a selfish void of flesh. Also the whole ultimatum? Controlling.
You deserve better than a shallow creep that only sees you as a sexual device to masturbate with.
End it, find a man of QUALITY that has just as much to offer you in companionship, friendship, equality, love, respect, honour.
Its not Him.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2011): I say you start craving some of that pizza! His comment's a disgrace!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2011): Your bf is a selfish lover. Anal causes you discomfort and incontinence! You have given this more than just a one chance deal and tried to accommodate him.
That choice is now effecting your physical, emotional, and sexual well-being. Should someone who claims to love you do that?
He stopped in the midde of sex and LEFT? Cruel. Very Cruel.
I do not believe two people can BE on the same page of sexual drive and want ALL the time. But, you should be on the same page in ATTITUDE that Sex is a mutally satisfying experience that brings nothing but GOOD to the both of you.
Personally, I am supportive of the others here who commented that I bet HE would not like being on the receiving end either!
Medically, Anal really is not healthy and the porn industry glamourizes that Anal should be incredibly hot for both people involved. Most women will tell you that it is not the case. That part of our body was never intended for pleasurable sex for women!
Your bf is acting like a self-entitled bastard who has the whole sexual buffet before him and because you take one item way due to lack of quality for you-he whines like a spoiled child.
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A
male
reader, C. Grant +, writes (4 December 2011):
 I'm not sure you have to be precisely on the same page for a marriage to work, but it's best to at least be within the same chapter. From what you describe, I'm not sure the two of you are reading the same book.
People should have a reasonable expectation that their needs will be met as they contemplate marriage. That's a very different idea than expecting all their wants to be met. Most of us would consider a mutually satisfying sex life to be a need to be met in marriage. Anal sex is a want, in this case a want that's interfering with what you consider a happy and healthy sex life.
You've gone the extra mile, and he should consider himself very lucky. If he can't accept that anal is no longer an option, well, that's a pretty dumb thing for him to make a deal-breaker.
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A
female
reader, boo22  +, writes (3 December 2011):
 Hi, I finished a relationship once over this very issue. Can you seriously see yourself taking it up the butt for ever more just to hold on to some guy? If the answer's yes then get married.
Men can be so very selfish. Next time he brings up the subject ask him to bend over while you insert a big dildo up his ass. Something tells me he won't be begging for more.
If he truly loved you he wouldn't be insisting on doing something that hurts you. x
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A
female
reader, supermum +, writes (3 December 2011):
 Some people can get off on anal sex, others cannot. The truth of the matter is however, you should not be pressured into doing anything you don't want to do.
Have you tried talking to him about it? I agree, if he cannot agree to stick to what is satisfying to both of you, the relationship may not work, but if it ruins the mood for you, do not be afraid to ruin the mood for him.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (3 December 2011):
 "I'm sure I'm not the only woman out there who hates anal" to the contrary, there are very few women who will even tolerate it. Your boyfriend is being a selfish, entitled, jerk. He doesn't care about your sexual wellbeing at all. He thinks it's reasonable for him to demand that you hurt yourself and tie yourself to the toilet for two whole days so he can get his jollies. From a fantastically driven article about porn driven fantasies: "No one has an obligation to another person, no matter what level of commitment in a relationship, to participate in any sexual activity that causes pain, discomfort or distress."
Not only is your boyfriend being a selfish prick, he not only expects you to sacrifice your well-being in a big way for his orgasm, but gets angry when you don't enjoy it. Your boyfriend needs to stop watching so much porn. Some women like anal sex, but the vast vast vast majority absolutely hate it. Do you really want to be with someone who can get off knowing you're in pain and suffering? I suggest you read and have him read this article:
http://uts.cc.utexas.edu/~rjensen/freelance/shouldidoit.htm
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2011): Please do not blame yourself. You were actually thoughtful and caring enough to give it a try....more than a few times...in order to please him. Now it's his turn to appreciate that to it's fullest and accept that you don't feel comfortable doing it....if he loves you- he will get over it. I have tried with my wife and she just doesn't like it at all....I will tell you whatbshe told me in a nice round about way...."Well I guess if you let me try to put something small....like a 3 or 4 inch butt plug in your butt.....Not something as big as your penis mind you...just to see if you like it because you know honey the anus has lots a nerves and it should feel really good once you get used to it..and I promise I will be really gentle using lots of lube so you can get used to it ok? You know I really want to experience that with you too but .......you won't let me do it to you like you do it to me why? " . Sounds funny right but it is the truth...let him let you be in control of his ass and see how he feels about it...now go ahead and tell him and let's see if lovey dovey is as sexually adventurous as you are and were. My bet is that he is an anal prude when he is on the receiving end (no pun intended) just like I was and still am!
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (3 December 2011):
 Print this submittal out, off your computer. Show it to your B/F. If he doesn't back off on his anal-sex thing, then you know (You will have learned...) that your intended doesn't really give a darn about YOUR feelings... and, so, he SHOULD become your "ex-" before he has a chance to screw up your feelings and life officially....
Good luck....
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