A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:my bf of almost 2 years lied to me. it was about my birthday present. he said he had ordered something off amazon for me and told me what it was and told me to look out for packages and everything. to make a long story short, i found out he never ordered it. when i confronted him on it he said he was scared to mess up (my last bday was really bad and i told him if he doesn't act like he gives a shit for the next one, things would not be good) and he was going to come see me and give it to me(we're in different locations now). he's very sorry and all that other bull and he's never really done anything like this before. we talked about it quite often and he just kept leading me on and he could have come clean at any second. (thinking back he almost did but he merely said he was stressed and worried that i was going to be upset for my bday which i thought was about his choice of presents). i don't think i can be with someone who lied to me for almost a month. i realize that this wouldn't have been a problem if i never found out the order was never made because he would have given it to me when he saw me (or would he?? i don't trust anything he says anymore) it's not so much the fact that he didn't order anything but the fact that he felt that he couldn't even sit me down and say listen i was broke and the money i set aside for your present had to be used for something else. he thinks this is the biggest mistake he's mad and is very sad or whatever but i just don't think that kind of relationship can work. he's asking me to forgive him but not forget but i don't know how i can trust him again. i would never have thought him the type to ever lie to me ever, i thought we had a really open relationship but i guess not. aside from this he's very loving, and pretty much what i desire for a long term match. i know he cares about me and loves me but i'm deciding right now if it's worth staying with him or if i should just cut my losses and start afresh with someone new...
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (21 August 2013):
 Point it OUT to him what you did for him and tell him that THOSE things are IMPORTANT to you.
5 Languages of Love is also a good book to share with him. That way maybe you two can pinpoint the difference in HOW you two express love.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionof course i did. i believe in showing ppl that they are special. i got his fave cake made surprised him with it at his fave food spot, got a card, got a perfume, made a special breakfast, lunch, and dinner. honestly i outdid myself. and i always go all out. but when things like this happen i realize it's not so important to him and i might be wasting my time. and i am a really good gift giver as well, i know what ppl want i listen to them talk and i get them what i know will please them.
i'll try talking to him and i'm sure he'll say all the right things but i don't know if that will do any good in the long run.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (21 August 2013):
Gotcha! Thanks for the clear up :)
For his b-day did you do something special/amazing? Maybe he is one of those guys you need to SHOW what you can do.
You said he normally is romantic, so I can see why it doesn't make sense that he can't do something sweet for your birthday.
I have a husband who both sucks at gifting (well not so much since I made a wishlist lol but he doesn't have a romantic bone in his body either) So personally I don't have high expectations and anything is a nice surprise.
Talk to him. The lying because he is afraid to hurt you is BAD mojo. Because it's an excuse. HE should feel comfortable enough after 2 years with you to be honest. If he doesn't know what you WANT, he should ask you or a friend of your perhaps, NOT lie. I would point that out.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionof course i did not threaten to break up if he didn't get me an amazing gift. i said it would be over if he didn't show me that my birthday is an important day to me and by extension him. if he didn't make me feel special on that day, i question his ability to make me happy. it's not about the present. he could have made something that cost nothing and i would have been thrilled because i see the time, effort, and thought that he put into it. he could have planned a totally free picnic or trip to the beach and I would have been thrilled. Ironically, he is a horrible gift giver as well and I have started making a wish list and expressing much more clearly what i want. I will make it extremely clear. It's kind of depressing because he's not unimaginative. He seems to be creative and I thought romantic but repeated offenses of the same thing force me to think otherwise. I have talked to him but I don't know if I can really trust him again. He seems scared to tell me the truth and be straight with me. Makes me wonder what else I don't know about...
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (21 August 2013):
You threatened to break up if HE didn't produce a GREAT b-day present? Or was there more to it then the present?
Because I have know MANY men (and honestly a few women) who SUCK at giving presents.
NOT that being "scared" of not being able to produce the perfect present is really a good excuse to lie.
I suggest STRONGLY that you make (if you don't have one already) a WISH LIST on Amazon.com for what you like/would like to get - that way he can access that and find you something you will be happy to get.
I also strongly suggest that you two talk. Tell him it's NOT about the gift it's about WHAT a gift (birthday for instance) represent and that lying is NEVER OK.
Talk to him.
As for last years B-day fiasco, I suggest you stop holding it over is head and instead help him to make your NEXT one great. you COULD tell him what YOU might like to do. Seems like he is a little unimaginative.
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A
female
reader, Got Issues  +, writes (21 August 2013):
 "when i confronted him on it he said he was scared to mess up [...] and he was going to come see me and give it to me"
"He told me he was going to tell me as soon as my exams were over because he didn't want to bother my prep (who knows if he'd ever have told me)."
There is a pattern here. He messes up and then when confronted he says he was "going to tell you" but there was always something in the way. It doesn't really matter what the lie is, it's the fact that he can't just be straight with you. There are always going to be things in the way and he'll always find excuses not to tell you. It's hard to know whether he's sorry for lying or sorry you found out he lied.
Ask him to be honest with you, even if he thinks it will make for an uncomfortable conversation. He knows how you feel about liars, so if he is a liar and he wants to be with you then he should be doing everything he can not to be caught lying to you. The easiest way to do that would be to just tell the truth.
I don't think you should just dump him straight away, but I also don't think you should wait a whole year to see how he acts on your next birthday. Look at how he acts every day. If you find out that he has lied to you again then you can ditch him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwell honestly i don't know if he actually got me something to give to me when he sees me. he could just be saying that because hell he's a liar. if we do stay together, i won't believe it till i see it and am only expecting another excuse. and yes it is sad that he is scared after almost 2 years. he obviously thinks i am so unreasonable that I am unable to handle a perfectly logical explanation. He knows I hate liars and my sister just lied to me a few days ago and I told him about how that made me feel so I feel like he can't plead ignorance in this case. last year, my bday was bad because i wasn't able to do anything due to exams but he didn't really go out of his way to make the day very special. he made me a nice breakfast but that was about it. and the day before i caught him talking to his ex (about mundane things) but the thing that bothers me is i asked him the last time they talked and he never mentioned it. Then i went to check the time on his phone and saw the convos and it was clear that some had been deleted. He told me he was going to tell me as soon as my exams were over because he didn't want to bother my prep (who knows if he'd ever have told me). I told him next year this time for my bday, if he doesn't bring it, it's over and i'm leaving because i'll take it as proof that he doesn't give any shits about what i think is important.
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A
female
reader, Got Issues +, writes (21 August 2013):
Well, it was pretty stupid of him to lie about it repeatedly, but a lot of people lie about this kind of thing and in the grand scheme of things it's not the worst lie a person can tell, especially if he had actually bought you something and wasn't just trying to fob you off and pretend it had got lost in the post to get out of giving you something.
What I find worse in this case is that after two years together, he is too scared to tell you the truth and is getting this stressed out about your present and your birthday. What exactly happened last year and what did you say to him?
If your relationship is good on the whole, then you shouldn't break up with him because of this. Instead, sit him down and tell him that you're disappointed that he lied to you, but also sorry that he felt he had to and that you won't flip out next time he does something wrong.
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