A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm 30 years old and she's 32, we both live in Asia but since we're both Americanized I put America as the location; we met on a dating site and have gone on many casual, friendly dates before. Upon our first meet we've been very open and upfront, declaring that we're not out there to find "the one", but rather finding new friends. I suppose it's because we aren't very attracted to each other, but we do enjoy each other's company very much. I am somewhat attracted to her but can't put myself together to "go for it". I never initiate any type of intimate contact with her, nor do I call or text her after our dates/meetups and vice versa. The only time when we contact each other is when we want to decide the next venue to meet, usually just a casual dinner follow by drinks. I did tell her in person before, that I am attracted to her, but then I don't want to become too emotionally invested, as I don't feel I'm ready to be in a committed relationship, and I just want to keep a friend who I like hanging out with. I'm not sure if it actually confuses her, but I was simply being honest and don't want to "play games". I told her all this because she was frustrated with a guy she liked and she couldn't figure him out, I felt that the guy was doing similar things that I did, so I just laid it out there.So one night, we met up like usual, had some casual dinner followed by some drinks, talked about how the week went, etc. At around 12am, she became visibly tired, and started talking about her soreness from the workout she had earlier, and said she wanted a massage really bad - multiple times. So here is my question: Is she simply thinking out loud, or she meant more than that? Keep in mind that we live in Asia, where tons of spas are readily available (though def. not at 12am). I felt like it was her hinting me to take the initiative to get more intimate. I acted neutral and didn't attempt to do anything, instead tried to avoid her demand and drove the conversation away and said "I never really liked massage".I simply drove her home that night and said goodbye. I felt a bit awkward after that night. In all honesty I believed if a girl says "I need a massage" multiple times to you at 12 am, it's an invitation to go further, but then she's the type that'd keep saying "I'm hungry" "I'm thirsty" "I'm tired" when she really is, so I'm still confused whether I should take all these expressions at surface value. She also invited me to her house for a home cooked dinner before, I too thought she meant more than that, but it turned out she invites friends (male/female) all the time. I think she finds me a little bit attractive, but I may be a bit immature and passive for her taste. All in all, am I just overthinking or I'm just a clueless? My friends simply tell me to grow some balls, which I agree, but I'm just curious to what girls think...I'd prefer females her age to respond, but any input is appreciated. Thanks in advance!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2013): This is the OP. Thank for your reply, that really clarified my confusion.
The reason why I told her I was attracted was because at the time she openly discussed about this guy she was liking (while we have these dinner dates). During our dinner/drinking session, she's been constantly talking about him and their progress, I took that as the two of us being in the friend zone. I wasn't really jealous or anything. I felt that I could understand why the guy didn't take the initiative because he and I are the same type, as you described: commitment-phobic, and not so sure what we want. She asked me if I felt uncomfortable when she talked about him, I told her honestly "not at all!" I really just want us to be friends whom you can talk to and share about these bits of life stuff.
We both traveled and live abroad for a long time before moving back here in Asia, so we both don't have close friends available. We both feel vulnerable and lonely and we openly talk about it. It's just that I'm attracted to her both physically and mentally, but just not so crazy for it, so I choose not to pursuit and keep a friendly distance and she did so as well, until that night with the massage thing.
Ever since then, things are getting a little bit more awkward each time. I feel like she's becoming more distant, just like you said she's grown tired of waiting for my move. That's fine and I have to live with my own passiveness.
I just feel bad that I always thought we were keeping it friendly and now it seems I had always been clueless and frustrated her so I'm risking losing a friendship which we both have built for almost half a year now.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2013): well you did give her mixed signals because you told her that (a) you are attracted to her, but (b) you want the relationship to be just platonic.
IMO, if you want only a platonic relationship, then you should not tell the other person that you are attracted to them. That is confusing. Because by definition, platonic means no attraction. so maybe she was testing the waters to see which is it, by bringing up the massage thing. therefore, I think you did the right thing by declining to give her a massage, and that you did it gracefully without making her embarrassed.
overall I don't think this incident is a big deal at all. I mean, you both had established that you're not "in a relationship", you're just hanging out as friends. Therefore, if she says she wanted a massage, you are free to decline to give it.
basically, you gave her mixed signals. So she tested the waters to see where you stand, and your reaction gave her the answer. Nothing wrong with that. but next time it would be better if you didn't give mixed signals to begin with because it can make the other person frustrated at you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2013): You are clueless. You are also immature and commitment-phobic.
You told her you were attracted, then danced around the issue only to confuse the poor woman. Then she nearly hit you over the head with a hint that she wanted a massage, and you didn't take her up on it. What are you doing?
If you just want a dinner-mate; then by all means please define what it is you two share together. The woman is not just available at your convenience to keep you company when there is nothing better to do. She is not your companion on call.
She is a single and available female, who guys just keep dangling on a string; without letting her know where things are going. She makes herself readily available when you want a date.
It is certain she will tire of you; and just being your dinner-companion. Hopefully she will decide she should move on.
If you were being honest about being attracted to her, how about explaining that you would like to explore the possibility of a romance?
Make some moves after a nice dinner, and see if she is on the same page. If not, then please give her some space and allow her to pursue something other than a platonic relationship with "romantic overtones." I think she deserves better than that.
Don't you?
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