A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Dear Cupid,My BF of almost a year is going home for the holidays without me (due to my work schedule). His ex is still hot for him and before me while they were broken up (3 years) they would hook up occasionally usually at the holidays. Since we’ve started dating she has yet to be proper in her contact with him – she texts him late at night, she calls him, and recently she wanted to come up and stay with him for a week (which she did once a yr for 3 yrs) which he said “no” to when I told him I would be very uncomfortable with that. What should I say to him about visiting her over the holidays? I trust him but I don’t trust her to behave especially since old friends say she’s a hard core flirt with him. They were together for 17 years until she broke it off. I’m worried/scared and I don’t want to be but she’s an unknown factor in my book and he’s a sweet, shy and somewhat naïve guy when it comes to the motivation of women (like her). He thinks she just wants to be friends. I see it as she just wants to be friends WITH benefits every time he visits. What should I do?
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female
reader, PerhapsNot +, writes (25 October 2011):
 I'm sorry, but your boyfriend is not as innocent or naive as you'd like to think or pretend. "He thinks she just wants to be friends". Yeah, right! Both of them would occasionally hook up during the holidays. Do you honestly think a man - who casually had sex with his ex and receives sexual interest via phone and texts - only sees the woman as friends? Please! If you honestly think that, you're either kidding yourself or you're naive one, not your boyfriend.There is no such thing as "I trust him, but not her". At the root you're insecure and mistrustful of your boyfriend. You fear that your boyfriend may succumb to her seduction games if she decides to bring her A game. You're worried that he will have sex with her on holiday, just as he has always done in the past. If you truly trusted him, you would be confident in the belief that he would reject her advances and shut her down. The fact is, he has not rejected her inappropriate texts and phone calls and continues to keep in touch with her. And since he is still in touch with her, you're feeling insecure and wonder what else he could end up doing with her if given the opportunity.The problem is not the ex, but the fact that he is still keeping in touch with her.
A
female
reader, katiekate +, writes (24 October 2011):
 All you can really do is express your concerns to him, and trust him. If he does something he shouldn't, then you will need to move on. But if he respects and values your relationship, he wouldn't see her in the first place.
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