A
female
age
30-35,
*weet Dreamer xxx
writes:So, this is a little bit of a long story, and I am very much aware I may be judged as selfish and attention seeking. I just needed to get this out of my system as I feel like it’s going to drive me mad, and friends tend to be more biased in a situation. I guess what I’m trying to find is some unbiased views and opinions. Me and my boyfriend have been together for five years now, long story short, we started dating just before I went to university, and although I really liked him, I didn’t know where the relationship would go after I moved away. But we both really worked on the long-distance thing and by my second year at university, we moved in together in my uni town. Since the pandemic happened in my final year of uni my options of career dwindled as I studied tourism and event management. So, me and my boyfriend decided that we would make good of a rough situation and used the time during the pandemic to save and go travelling. Last year, halfway through saving, my boyfriend decided to have an extreme career change, which meant he would have to go on a course that he could not get any student loans for so used his money that he had saved. Once I set my mind on doing something I tend to be a little focused on that and decided that I would carry on saving for the original purpose but for the both of us, working in a job I did before uni and despised. Now when we first got together my boyfriend’s parents were still married, I’m not sure if that was happily or not as when we moved in together his mum moved out of their room and moved into the spare. Only a couple of months later she had moved into her own apartment. They had been married for over 25 years and as you could imagine his dad was extremely cut up about it all as it pretty much came out of nowhere. Hoping that he could salvage the marriage he would always work out ways to spend time with her. They had the same group of friends and never seemed to have that separation period for it to heal, they’d all go out at least twice a week and his dad really struggled, going to therapy, and having to take anti-depressants. It was heart-breaking to see him like this and it was hard for my boyfriend to not get frustrated at his mum for making his dad so miserable, although he did understand that the love just wasn’t there for her anymore. During this time, we spent as much time with him as possible and I built up such an amazing relationship with him and felt I could talk to him about anything which I’ve never had with a boyfriend’s parent before. A year and a half later his dad started talking to this woman which is the sister of one of his parents’ friends. His mood changed and he finally seemed happy again, only a month after dating he introduced her to his kids and my boyfriend’s mum’s family (his dad was adopted at birth and when both of his adopted parents passed away, he was pushed out, so his wife’s family became his). After my uni course he invited us to move in with him so we could save up quickly. His girlfriend would come down every other weekend as she lived two hours away, during this time they were like loved up teenagers. Although it was sweet, it became annoying very quickly, I found that I would walk on eggshells around them, if you did or said something they judged they’d make faces at one another and just make you feel extremely awkward. As someone socially awkward I started hiding in our room whilst she was down. Only five months after they started dating, he moved to her town to live with her and her two children. We took his flat on paying a little more rent to cover it.Me and my boyfriend started talking about whether we would like to get married one day. As he grew up from a catholic background, although he is not religious, he is extremely old fashioned and believes in the older traditions of asking my dad permission. My best friend let it slip that he asked her about my ring size as she was trying on my rings one day to see if we had the same size. Then two weeks later he made a random trip back to my hometown where my dad lives (this all happened before his career change). We always spend Christmas with our own families so the Christmas before last he messaged me saying that he had a good chat with everyone over zoom (lock down Christmases were hard for them as they are all spread across the UK), drunkenly he let it slip that he told them all he wanted to propose that year. A couple of weeks later his dad came down on a rare solo trip to sort out some paperwork, his dad started asking questions about our future, I assumed he meant travel. That evening I overheard him on the phone to his girlfriend talking about how we didn’t mention anything regards getting married and that my boyfriend must have said it to them out of drunkenness. My boyfriend and his dads’ girlfriends’ birthdays are only a week apart in July, his dad threw a garden party for his girlfriend’s birthday where they were living and invited all his friends and family up to help celebrate, then said they were coming down the week after to celebrate my boyfriends. When they came down it was all made out for his girlfriend, he tried to book a table at one of our favourite restaurants for the Saturday evening for the two of them but couldn’t get one. So instead booked it for lunch and decided to make it as part of my boyfriend’s celebrations as well, although it wasn’t much of one as my boyfriend had to go to work straight after. The original plan was for them to spend one of the days together hiking, but his girlfriend’s son didn’t want to do that so his dad decided that he wouldn’t go and have ‘family time’ with his girlfriend and her son (this made me angry as he was putting her children before his own which has become a common thing). During this meal we spoke about our careers for when we returned after travelling, which I mentioned how I’d like to work in the events industry in weddings etc. this is when his dad and girlfriend started making eyes at one another. We assumed it was just due to the announcement my boyfriend made the previous Christmas and left it at that. Not long after my boyfriend made the decision to change careers. We decided that we would just shorten our travel plans as restrictions were constantly changing and half of our travel fund had gone onto the cost of his course. He moved an hour and a half away and would come home on weekends, so I would use my spare time to plan everything for after his course. His dad messaged one day checking in and seeing if I needed any help and was asking about the dates of when we were going and when we would be returning. He asked the same a few weeks later and then a month later asked again. The dates never once changed. Then in October they both came down to visit, this time they called us into the kitchen to share their big news, they were engaged and are getting married this September. They booked the wedding on the 1st, a month, and a half before we were due to return from travelling. Better yet, we were the last to find out, his dad went on to say that they wanted my help with the wedding and that we were expected to attend and change our travel plans. Travelling has always been something that has meant a lot to me, from the age of 16 I wanted to solo travel. This announcement really hurt, and I’m ashamed to admit it but made me jealous too, we had been together for 4 and a half years and getting engaged was something we were talking about for some time. So, it felt that they stole our engagement in a way and taking away our travel at the same time. It started to put a strain on our relationship then. Or more accurately, I was. I was so bitter that they had only been together such a short time and he wanted her to join his family so much quicker than what my boyfriend wanted me too. My boyfriend would get angry any time I mentioned about us getting engaged, I then told him I didn’t want to take away their limelight so said we would have to wait until after they got married. This only made my boyfriend angrier. Since joining his course and not having much money for anything talks of us getting engaged pretty much stopped anyway so I didn’t think he cared about it. From then on whenever we were with them it would be talking about their engagement, I asked about stag dates so that I could account for them whilst changing our plans. His dad said he didn’t need one, and that they would just go for a few drinks a few days before, so we didn’t need to change them to such a dramatic extent. Then this week my boyfriend called me in a foul mood. He had received a message from his dad’s best man saying that the stag would be in July and would cost everyone roughly 150. Considering that I’m paying for everything now, my boyfriend wasn’t comfortable asking me if he could go. When his dad came down this weekend, he mentioned that he knows the dates are annoying, but we could change our plans again for them. Then said that he was going to have to charge us for the extremely pricey room that he had booked for us for three nights without our consent as he couldn’t afford for us as well as his girlfriend’s children, so we had to pay for it all. I’ve started to feel like our relationship is being overshadowed by them, even as we reached the 5-year mark of us being together (his dad knows the date as we said we were having a cheap but romantic night in on the weekend to celebrate). They came down to personally hand deliver their wedding invite, and instead of toasting to us, we toasted to their wedding- which then turned into them asking me to book their honeymoon for them. I don’t think they mean any harm and just want us to feel involved in their plans. But to be perfectly honest whenever they’ve been around, I feel a distance between me and my boyfriend. I know my boyfriend must be centre of attention a lot too, so he doesn’t speak up too often and will be positive towards them about everything, even telling his dads girlfriend that he loves her. But when we are on our own, he’s so annoyed about everything. I don’t like confrontation, but I feel so powerless in this situation as I don’t want to rain on their parade. I’ve started to just feel used and not loved by any of them. I’ve even got to the point where I don’t want to get married and hearing about anyone getting engaged or married makes me feel bitter and resentful. Even the career I’ve always wanted since school has seemed less appealing. My mum thinks that this is what they are always going to be like and that I should just walk away, go solo travelling and work on my career. But 5 years with someone is a long time to just give up on especially when I am in love with him.So, my question to you guys is, what are your opinions? I know that was long, so I just want to say thank you if you’ve taken the time to read it all.
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best friend, cheap, christmas, drunk, engaged, jealous, money, moved in, moved out, period, stag , university, wedding Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2022): Yet more typos:
"You two let his dad throw a wrench [into] your plans, but you're too chicken to say anything about it."
"If a person, or people, become distractions; and throw you completely [off] course, you need to stop and reassess the situation."
P.S.
Turn your bitterness and resentment into being assertive. Put that wasted-energy into constructive use. When you saw the wedding planning cutting off your booked holiday, that was your chance to call and reschedule it; or notify your boyfriend's dad you could lose money if you changed plans after the vacation is booked and paid-for.
As things stand now, you can still cancel the rooms, and rebook something more affordable. You're now committed to attending the wedding; because you've received your wedding invitation. If you can get a full refund, or a travel voucher; maybe you should reschedule the trip. You could also go on the vacation alone, to get your head straight about all this.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2022): Typo corrections:
"Seems your boyfriend is like his dad when [it] comes to being sporadic, or impulsive; but he doesn't seem to take after his father when it comes to commitment."
"[Your] boyfriend is not gainfully employed; so wedding plans are conveniently delayed."
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2022): Your boyfriend's father is from a different generation. He has been married before; so making the decision to commit to marriage may not take as long to decide, as it would take a guy (still in his 20's) who has never been married before.
You can be resentful they decided to tie the knot before you two; but they aren't in the midst of finding themselves, or making career decisions. They can focus on each-other, and what they want together. They are a divorced mature-couple with kids, and know what they're getting themselves into. They wouldn't be rushing into anything; if they've been married before, and have adult-children. You two need to get your acts together.
His mother was decisive, and decided marriage to your boyfriend's father was all she could take; and put an end to it. All the suffering he went through didn't seem to take too long to end, before he found her replacement. Maybe she knew leaving after 25 years of marriage was exactly what was right for her. Apparently, it was.
Your delay in deciding on a date to marry is a matter of finances and stability. You wouldn't be married long, if you're both still making career-choices; and you don't seem to have a steady flow of income at the moment. You could have said "no" to his father; and declined the room he booked without your permission. Why complain about it, when you have the choice not to take it? Especially, knowing you can't afford it!
Bitterness isn't the mature way to handle any of this, because none of it is really interrelated. Just coincidental, because it's happening around the same-time. When you two decide to get married has nothing to do with his father and his fiancé. Your jealousy about their engagement is irrelevant and a waste of your energy. Your boyfriend and his dad seem like two of a kind. Very erratic and self-centered.
When, and if, you and your boyfriend decide to get married, is strictly your business; and when you make your announcement is strictly up to you. Nobody had to put anything on-hold in anticipation, or in consideration, of your boyfriend dragging his feet.
You two let his dad throw a wrench in your plans, but you're too chicken to say anything about it. It's up to you, if you want to reschedule your holiday, or cut it short.
In all honesty, your plans seemed pretty much up in the air anyway. It's not entirely a matter of his dad disrupting your plans; it all seemed tentative, and not well planned. I would think he and his dad talk, and his dad knew he decided to use his savings for the training course. Seems you were out of the loop on that, girlfriend!
You do have a say in all this. You're complaining how his dad is being inconsiderate, and just bogarts his way around. Your boyfriend could have intervened, and worked something out, so everyone would be happy. Why didn't you and your boyfriend say something? It all could have been resolved; if you had both been honest and upfront. This is what happens when you show one face, but you have something entirely different in-mind. You both smile and agree to his dad's face; but argue about it behind his back.
You and your boyfriend could have told them you don't want to change your travel plans; that is, if they were actually booked and paid-for at the time. Seems your boyfriend can't get his priorities straight, and stay focused on one thing at a time. He chose to pay for a course! That does seem a wiser choice than a travel vacation. Thus, as far as he's concerned, a vacation isn't a priority. It seems you don't really have the money for that now, since you're now paying extra rent. You're essentially down to one income!
Make up your mind, make a plan, and execute it. Set a goal, and don't stop until you meet it. If a person, or people, become distractions; and throw you completely of course, you need to stop and reassess the situation. You've sat and missed your window of opportunity to straighten-out this hot mess. You held your tongue, while you saw the whole thing going off the rails. Yet you still want to marry this guy?!!!
"But I love him!" That's always a popular disclaimer after a long story of pain and misery; so it cancels or limits any wise advice anyone can offer you. Just because you spent five years with him doesn't mean you can't make a decision that's best for you. Your resentment is for the fact that it took him too long to decide if you're ready for the next step in your relationship. Seems it's not. Call me cynical, but he asks your friend for your ring-size; knowing she couldn't contain herself, and would let the cat out of the bag.
It's starting-off on the wrong foot when he's making major financial-decisions without discussing them with you, when you live together and share expenses.
He switched plans on you; not because he wanted to change careers, he needed to create a distraction to take the pressure off about getting married. The ring thing was a bunch of hooey. You didn't find-out about it by accident, seems a little set-up to me! Where's the ring now? Are you engaged, or not? I got lost about that.
Seems your boyfriend is like his dad when comes to being sporadic, or impulsive; but he doesn't seem to take after his father when it comes to commitment. Yet, it seems you're the only one bent out of shape in this whole scenario.
If I were in your shoes, this is what I would do. I would cancel the booking for the room, and explain you cannot afford it. It seems you really can't afford the vacation either; if you're the only one who saved-up for it, and your boyfriend used his savings elsewhere. If your boyfriend's dad used your expertise to book and plan his honeymoon; he should have sprung at least half for the room he presumptuously booked for you and your boyfriend.
You boyfriend is not gainfully employed; so wedding plans are conveniently delayed. You've got a more expensive place to live, thanks to his dad. You've booked a travel vacation, when you need to concentrate your funds on an affordable place and future wedding plans.
Your relationship is flighty, disorganized, and your boyfriend isn't anywhere near ready for marriage. You and he are not on the same-page about anything. Go ask his mom what would she do?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (3 February 2022):
 EDIT
I do hate you cant go in and edit a post after you hit post.. so sorry.
I wrote:
"He needs to be responsible for you."
What It should have been this:
"He needs to be responsible for HIMSELF." Financially and otherwise. People who are NOT married should not get so financially entwined in each other. It's just not smart.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2022): I only read once but here is what I picked up on what you wrote.
Firstly I think that your boyfriends dad and girlfriend just like goofing around
Secondly I don't pick up that you and your boyfriend have a young free relationship, it comes across as very grown up and I absolutely agree that you should not be funding your boyfriend, you would resent him and his family even further if you split up and even if you stay together your finances should be separate only other than shared living costs
Thirdly I don't think they were trying to steal your thunder, I think they tested the waters and very much confirmed your boyfriend wasn't on the cusp of proposing to you so the intention was never to hurt you and now they are excited about it, as they rightfully should be
Fourth I think their face pulling is just what adults do with younger people, me and my friebd do it a lot, they are probably completely unaware you go off because it bothers you
And lastly I think they asked you to help because you clearly stated the area of wedding planning was of interest to you as a career, if you are bothered about them getting married how would you be planning others if your boyfriend doesn't propose?
My advice is think about what YOU want, don't do anything you're not comfortable with and although you clearly have a kind heart and are looking out for your boyfriend save your money which you earn gritting your teeth in a job you dislike and save it for what YOU want out of life
All the best x
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (1 February 2022):
Ah OP,
Se sense a lot of jealousy and perhaps a bit of insecurity from you. When I say insecurity, I mean in your relationship, not you "per se".
The jealousy is petty, OP. Who gets married when isn't a competition.
You say you love your BF, but do you? Really? From what I read you seem to carry a lot of resentment towards him and his family. And to "FIL"s fiance.
You know the whole "jealousy is drinking poison hoping someone else will die"... That is you right now. Think about it.
It's not uncommon that "mature" people like your BF's dad jump into a second (or third/fourth....) marriage much faster than an old-fashioned 20-something year old. (aka your BF) the fact that you two have spent a LOT of time being LD might be why he is taking a bit longer than YOU want him to in deciding to propose.
"My mum thinks that this is what they are always going to be like and that I should just walk away, go solo travelling and work on my career."
Maybe your mom is right?
They (the "FIL" and his fiance) will probably not change.
And maybe you are not so sure about the career choice you previously made? So maybe what you REALLY need to figure out is WHAT DO YOU really want to do, careerwise?
Then WORK on that goal.
SEPARATE your finances from your BF. He needs to be responsible for you.
A stag-night for his dad should NOT be done on YOUR dime and expense. Are you kidding?! Just no!
Having to cut travel short, well THAT is up to you. It's HIS dad. If he wants to be there for the wedding, great! You don't really HAVE to. Though, if you don't, that might create drama with your BF and end your relationship.
YOU have to decide what is important to you. No one else can do that.
Though I too would presume that after 5 years together, you KNOW whether you can see a long-term (marriage) future with your partner or not.
Whether his dad gets married BEFORE you or not, doesn't matter. Different folks, different strokes. I'm guessing your BF's dad what somewhat lonely and a bit desperate for a new partner and that is one of the reasons the timeline has been faster for them.
I think you are making a BIG mistake in taking over the financial BURDEN of your BF wanting to go back to school. that cost is NOT your responsibility and you two should NOT be blending finances before marriage. Because? It breeds resentment. He should be responsible for HIS shit, you for yours. Now you can SHARE costs if you live together, otherwise? Nope. Keep it separate.
Because what happens when BF decides that he doesn't WANT to be with you after all? AFTER you have financed his "future" and education? Yeah nah, don't put yourself in that position.
As for the "FIL" and his fiance asking you to book their honeymoon, you CAN always say no. If you don't want to. Same with ANYTHING else they may ask.
You say: "But 5 years with someone is a long time to just give up on especially when I am in love with him."
You can love someone and they can be TOTALLY "wrong" for you. If you aren't happy with him, with HIS timeline for marriage, it's NOt giving up to be ending it. IF that is how you feel. Just like your BF's mom decided she didn't WANT to be married anymore after 25!! years - she HAD to choose what SHE wanted to do with her life.
Take some time to figure out WHAT you really want. And don't hold on to a BF because you have been together for 5 years and you don't feel like starting over with someone else.
TALK to your BF. WITHOUT the resentment.
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