A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I was wanting to have a serious relationship chat with my bf of 6 yrs, about whether he actually wanted to be with me because he never seems that happy and thus I am never that happy. However, we've just found out his dad has lung cancer which is not curable. He has not been given a life expectancy, but it's expected to be anytime between now and 6 months. Do i go on the next 6 months being massively unhappy in my relationship to save him further grief? please advise! Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, llifton  +, writes (26 September 2013):
 I agree. Absolutely do not abandon him now or have the talk now unless you do intend to remove him from your life for good. Because he will hate you for leaving him when he needs you most. right now, talking about relationship problems isn't in the forefront of his mind. It's just not his main concern. And as one poster already mentioned, he may not even be able to fix the problems you discuss, even if he wants to, as he's not in the right mind set. It's basically setting him up for failure. If one of my parents was dying and my partner decided to start telling me all the things I was doing wrong and needed me to do different, or worse - broke up with me, I'd be in a very dark place.
I don't know what your intention of this talk is. But if I were you, I'd hold off. You've been with this man for 6 years. So it's safe to say he must at least be your friend. Now is the time to be his friend. Support him and stand by his side. Be his rock. And when all is said and done, maybe you two will be closer together. And if not, then part ways. But I still maintain you should hold off. Now is not the appropriate time for that kind of talk.
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (26 September 2013):
 I'll tell you this straight. Whether or not you have a talk with this guy depends on one thing, and ONLY one thing, and that is this:
What is the goal of your discussion with him?
Do not have this discussion with him unless your only and complete goal is to permanently eject him from your life. And when I mean "permanently", I mean the guy will abhor you for abandoning him at a time like this.
If your goal is just to talk to him because you still want to be with him, and you're wondering why he isn't happy making you unhappy, but you still love him and want to be with him, then hold off. How the hell can *anyone* be happy at a time like this? A month ago, I lost my father to cancer, and the pain beforehand is excruciating. If you love him, do *not* abandon him, and don't do the "do you really want to be with me" talk with him.
Here's what you do. Tell him you're here for him, show him love, and then take a step back. If he withdraws, don't get weird about it. Let him. But keep the lines of communication open with him.
As for you, please don't tell me that your boyfriend is your only source of happiness. Have a rich and full life with friends and hobbies and activities. Your boyfriend isn't your everything, and he's going to need YOUR strength at a time like this.
So, in summary, don't talk to him about ending the relationship unless you want to blow it into red paste and make his heart a crimson stain on the pavement. Otherwise, "happiness" discussions can wait, because he's not going to be happy now. YOU need to draw on your own strength, because happiness comes from within.
...............................
A
male
reader, GentleGiant +, writes (25 September 2013):
My condolences to your boyfriends dad. You know this really tough but i believe you cannot go on like this for another six months. That makes no sense at all. After almost what six years in a relationship it is going no where? I have been in a relationship for just over four years but let me tell you both my girlfriend and i are in tune with each other. You must remember one thing here. You cannot project your un happiness onto your boyfriends shoulders and neither can or should he to you. It is not your boyfriends fault why you are unhappy. You never said about him doing or not doing something in the relationship.If your boyfriend is making you unhappy you know what you have to do. But you have to take the steps to get rid of your unhappiness. Hey, i come home unhappy some days from school but never do i blame my girlfriend or pick on her. It is not her job to make me happy and she cant because she does not take the same courses i do at school.She is there for me if i am sick and she gives me her unconditional love and she listens and gives me lots of respect. I normally tell my girlfriend about my shitty day and if i cant shake it i go down to the gym and work out to relief the stress and tension. Then i come home to the best dam woman in the world and i tell her that loud and clear and we move on with our evening. This may not be the most perfect circumstances but let me tell you my girlfriends smile is always bigger when i praise her. Can you say that you have done or experienced any of what i and Kate do on a regular basis? Can you see that there is a lot more at stake here? Do what you feel is right here but i believe you have been suffering for quite some time. It is time to change that. Death is part of the circle of Life and take him aside and raise the issues that involve him. If he says he cant do nothing right now tell him you'll wait but not to long.Your boyfriend is not going to be with your dad 24/7 so he should be able to address some or one of your concerns which you should bring up. If it looks hopeless then you take the appropriate measures to correct your unhappiness. I had a uncle who had the same thing as your boyfriends dad and he lived almost two years. Just a FYI for you.Good-luck move forward.....
...............................
A
female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (25 September 2013):
 It’s unfortunate that your timing for ‘a serious chat’ couldn’t have been done earlier if things have been that unhappy for you both… Presently this would impose another weight on his shoulders to contend with when he’s already dealing with the inevitable departure of his Father.
When it comes to having a serious relationship chat, I would think timing is everything to getting the result you need to be happy. Here you are ready to talk while he would otherwise (emotionally) distracted, detached and focused on the little time he has left with his Dad. It wouldn’t give him a fair chance to rectify your relationship problems.
Here it would like him dealing with some of the top ten stressful life events; Immediate family member seriously ill, (pending) death of immediate family member, break-up of (6year) relationship – divorce, moving house... Now that’s massive unhappiness!?
Meanwhile you could simply have; ‘a not so serious’ relationship chat about your specific needs and still give him the support he needs to get through the months and days ahead. Surely you have enough loving history together to keep it together for a little while longer and thereafter?
Take Care – CAA
...............................
|
