A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have known my boyfriend for a total of 5 years, 8 months out of which we have been together. We were very fond of each other as friends and are now in a great, loving relationship. Four months ago, he confided in me about something extremely personal. He said that he was molested by his older sister as a child. They are 10 years apart and I would like to believe this incident took place approximately 22 years ago. His sister is now married and has 2 kids. Beginning of this year, he took me to his town to meet his sister and her family. It went well and I had a good time.Recently however, things took quite a turn - I began feeling terribly upset about what happened between him and his sister. I find his being molested by his own family member completely intolerable. It angers me so much how anyone could do that to the person I love so dearly. He openly expressed that he has been through a lot of mental trauma because of this and is still quite scarred. He didn't exactly go into details about what happened, but not knowing is consuming me. I find myself thinking about whether there was intercourse involved or if she only just touched him in places and such. I'm unsure if I want to know. I realize that this is quite a sensitive topic and I want to be as understanding and respectful as possible about it.He recently told me that it has taken a lot of courage to forgive his sister and be on good terms.I believe that a person has to be seriously messed up in the head to be able to do that to a young, innocent child. Even if he was 5 years old when this happened, that would make her 15. I can't imagine any 15 year old wanting to do that to their little siblings. To really put things in perspective, I have a brother who is exactly 10 years younger than me and I remember being almost like a second mother to him when he was growing up.I don't know what to do. I can't bring myself to talk about this face-to-face with anyone. The more I think about it, the more I'm starting loathe her. My boyfriend has been a big part of my life -- he's my pillar of strength So I really want him to know how I feel but I'm worried that it could break our relationship. I think about it everyday. It's starting to consume my life. What should I do? Is this something I can get over? I don't want to lose the love of my life. Please advise. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2010): my boyfriend recently told me the exact same thing, we were having a fight at the time and I imagine he told me because he was trying to explain his drinking problems. Which makes me feel a bit uneasy as one. I don't want him 2 think he has an excuse to treat me badly because of what happened and two. I have no idea whether or not to bring it up and talk to him about it as he told me when he was completely smashed. I don't really know what to do! I know how you feel about his sister, I think it takes some sick individual to do something like that to a little boy, but if he has learnt to forgive her then you have to as well. It probably doesn't help him to have you dislike her and I imagine he is afraid you could bring it up with his sister as well. Just be there for him if he wants to talk about it....
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much for your great responses! I'm angry at the moment but I definitely want to make my peace with it in time. He told me today that I'm the only one who knows about it, other than his mother and his best friend. None of his ex-girlfriends knew about this. I immediately felt honored that he trusted me enough (that early on in our relationship) to come clean about his darkest secret. Sadly though, when he did manage to work up the nerve to tell is mother (2 years ago), she dismissed it by saying, "Stuff happens." What the hell? It amazes me as to how his mother wasn't even slightly upset or shocked. Him and his sister have not discussed this EVER, which I think is understandable. I want to stay positive and be the best I can for him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2010): Woah there gal!
You sound like a wonderful, empathetic girlfriend, and I'm sure your boyfriend feels very lucky to have someone so passionate in his corner. However, you might need to apply the brakes here! Your boyfriend has confessed something very personal and private to you. But he's also saying that he has dealt with it. Not only that but he's forgiven his sister, and has battled to be on good terms with her. He has basically been through a whole process of coming to terms with this, which has evidently not been easy. If you reopen the subject when he's not ready to talk, you risk plunging him back into the trauma that he went through, and reopening old wounds. And even if he was ready to speak about it, this is something so difficult and so painful that it really needs a trained professional who knows about the effects of child abuse, not a girlfriend who is probably a bit too close to the situation and the people involved to be an objective counsellor. (Not saying you can't be a crucial part of any future process that involves him talking about it, just that someone outside the situation is likely to be important too).
It is of absolutely paramount importance that you realize that this is between him and his sister, and respect his way of handling that relationship. That means that you need to distance yourself from those strong feelings about the abusive sister. Clearly it is important to him to maintain a relationship with her (or he would just have walked away and gone no contact) and how does it help him to do that if you hate her with the fiery passion of a thousand suns? Even if you have to bite through your tongue to do it, you must maintain a respectful attitude towards her and let him be the 'driver' in this relationship.
I know it's tremendously tough when you love someone, because you just want to bring hell and fury on the heads of anyone who hurts them. You sound like someone with a strong maternal instinct (from what you've said about your own baby brother), but I think this may be one of those instances where you have to reign in your protectiveness. Being angry at the abuser is no good at all if, in the process, you end up inflicting incredible pain on your boyfriend. I'm sure you'd be the first to recognize that he'd been through enough already.
I know it's hard, but my advice is to step back and try to gain emotional distance from this. Instead of indulging your personal reactions, restrain them! Be wise, keep quiet, and use your boyfriend as a guide as to how to behave. He's the only one who knows what happened, and the only one who has a right to judge or be angry. And if he chooses to preserve the relationship rather than being angry, accept that, and try to find positives about the sister in spite of everything. (A useful strategy when dealing with any inlaws, doubly so here). As I mentioned, though, this is much easier said than done, so I wish you the best of luck.
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female
reader, Isa123 +, writes (21 April 2010):
 It's bothered him for many years. He finally confessed it up to you, the person most dear to him.
This is a huge piece of information to take. I understand that you loathe his sister for what she has done to him. You love him, so it's only understandable how you must feel.
If he doesn't bring up the subject again, great, neither should you. If you wish to let him know, simply tell him that the information bothered you because it kills you to know someone hurt him in such a manner.
You may loathe his sister, but keep in mind this was over a decade ago. So much has happened since then. They both have grown and have possibly learned their lessons.
This piece of information is new to you. As if it *just* happened. So the anger is fresh and new. Give it time. I understand if all the respect you had for his sister is gone, but she is sadly, still family to him. If your boyfriend is in good terms, he probably expects you to at least respect her...
This is new information for you. And it takes quite a bit of time to at least calm your anger. But keep in mind, he is who he is because of all his life lessons. He's a wonderful man to you and I wish you two the best.
Good luck sweetie.
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