A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi this may sound like a stupid question but it’s really affecting our relationship I met my boyfriend 6 years ago he had a dog a Doberman after 2 year of being together he moved in with the dog we have a 3 year old daughter and I have a 10 year old son from a previous relationship the dog is brilliant with her but he treats the dog better than any of us everywhere we take the kids he insists on bringing the dog if he leaves him he howls all day till he comes back we have never had a holiday abroad because of this because he won’t leave him for a week we were supposed to book somewhere last weekend but it didn’t happen he’s also slept on the settee for 2 year so he’s with the dog at night I don’t know what to do any suggestions thank you
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2019): It's super weird that he can't even go on holiday because of the dog. he sleeps on the couch with the dog. Can't the dog just sleep in your room? I mean i know some people don't like that but, you know compromise that and maybe he can compromise on the holiday? i
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2019): Youcannotbeserious it is ok you going on at me about this I understand he had the dog before me I also understand about not stressing the dog out I love dogs myself but it is not a nice feeling when he cares more about the dog and yes it is important to me to get holidays abroad because I have 2 children who I want to have a happy childhood full of good family memories because I didn’t have that and I want that for my children so if you don’t have anything decent to say don’t bother replying
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2019): Get a man who treasures his family. Your child is his child, and his child is yours. What good is complaining, when you have the power to make change?
You pick and choose the man you give your heart to. It's not like you were forced to stay with him. You're complaining, and all the power is in your own hands.
What you're asking the uncles and aunts at DC for is a way to change your boyfriend. Changing people is manipulation. You can teach people, inspire people, mentor people, counsel, and set an example for them.
If they change under their own will, and changing happens to be to your benefit; that's real change. It's change inspired by love. If they have it in their heart to change for you, you won't even have to ask them to! Love will compel them to; because it will be so important to them that you know it and feel it! Actions speak way louder than words!
Communication is how we lovingly influence others to be understanding, to express our feelings, to correct wrongs, to establish boundaries, and to rebuke bad or unfair treatment. If you won't tell him how you feel, he'll just keep right-on being a relentless dog-loving jerk. He'll be selfish, and direct his love and care to no one but his dog. You'll be there infatuated for him, pouring love down a bottomless pit, and wishing he treated you right. If he won't; then you pack your dolls and tea set, and you leave!!! You don't sit around begging and pleading beneath your dignity, whining and crying. My dear, that's all by choice!
Many animal-lovers are obsessed about it. They find that animals make no demands on their behavior. If animals are treated with kindness and affection; they are loyal, affectionate, they never complain, and their love is unconditional. Humans can voice our concerns. We can speak-up and rebel when we're not treated well. We complain whether justified or unjustified. We can be spoiled by unconditional-love and affection. We can take each other for granted. So animal-lovers who haven't had a great deal of luck with other humans shift their affections where they know they're better appreciated, and they can be themselves without any complaints.
The obsessed animal-lover is usually a little damaged and insecure. They don't like people, but often it is their own personality that isn't that great. They see faults in others, they carry around bitterness towards mankind, and act as if their animal-loving ways makes them above all other people. It's ungodly and brokenness that is really a cry for help. How can you hate other humans and you're human yourself? People unaffected by human suffering, but give their last dollar to an animal-shelter. They step-over a homeless person begging for a dollar to eat, but shed tears over a stray animal. God help pathetic lost people like that? Who will they turn to when they're in pain, suffer a great loss due to a natural-disaster, when they need someone to soothe them with kind and loving words? Not a dog or a cat! They may debate you, but it's a lame argument from a half-baked mind!
You have the power over where you put your heart. If you don't feel your child receives adequate attention and love from whom you've chosen as a mate; that child depends on you to make good choices and decisions. Not sit around complaining and competing with a poor animal. It's not the dog's fault, and taking his dog away wouldn't be a solution to your relationship problem. You're attached to an animal-lover, and your jealousy isn't necessarily justified. You may be insecure and needy; but unable to communicate your feelings without being intimidated or overwhelmed with emotion. You may be unable to stand-up and speak your mind; when you feel your kid is being treated with less affection and kindness than a dog.
The solution is to ask him if he loves you and your child as much as his dog?
If he says "yes!" Ask him to prove it; because there is very little evidence that he does. You're tired of building your relationship around the love of his dog. Then you're going to have to put you and your kid first; and decide if he should remain as a part of your life. Nobody here, or yourself, is going to change your boyfriend. Only he can change what he thinks, feels, and does. He is obviously capable of great love and affection. If he can't give it to you, don't remain there competing with an animal. Grow the strength to be independent, and capable of carrying yourself; and living on the love you get from that beautiful kid you've been blessed with. The one you know loves you unconditionally and without question!
Did I make sense, or just spout useless words?
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (7 July 2019):
 If there were more people in this world like your boyfriend, the rescues and pounds would not be full to bursting with unwanted dogs, and dogs would not be slaughtered in their thousands each year in the UK alone for no other reason than because there are not enough homes available.
This may be just a dog to you but, to your boyfriend, the dog is family, just as much as your children are. And rightly so. The dog was with him before YOU were. Would you leave one of your children behind at home while you took out the other one? Of course not. The dog obviously experiences separation anxiety when left alone at home, so your boyfriend chooses to not stress out the dog, not stress out the neighbours and not stress himself out with worry but, rather, to take the dog on outings. Where is the harm?
Is it really so important to you to have holidays abroad? Can you not find enough places in the UK to enjoy? If you really want to go abroad, dogs can get passports and travel. You can take the dog with you if this is such a big deal to you. It just means putting the dog through the risk of having a rabies vaccination.
Surely you knew how much your boyfriend treasured his dog before you moved in together? Did you hope he would change?
You are scathing about your boyfriend not leaving the dog for a week. If the dog stresses and howls when left alone for a few hours, imagine how stressful it would be for the dog AND for your boyfriend, to put the dog in that situation for so long. For your information also, Dobermans are renowned for not settling in kennels, to such a point that many boarding kennels refuse to take them (I know from experience, having owned one years ago). If you are so desperate for a holiday abroad, would your boyfriend consider boarding the dog with a sitter so that it is in a home environment rather than kennels? Kennels are soulless and stressful at best and not an easy option if you have a dog which stresses.
I may be wrong but I suspect the reason your boyfriend is choosing to sleep on the settee with the dog is because you won't allow the dog upstairs, or you give him such a hard time over the dog that he prefers to sleep with the dog than with you.
Your boyfriend is obviously a fabulous dog owner. If you carry on seeing this as some sort of stupid competition for his affection, there will not be a happy outcome. You need to decide whether you can both compromise in some way or whether this is a deal breaker for you. You've already left it 2 years too late in my opinion. The time to have brought this to a head would have been when he STARTED sleeping downstairs with the dog, rather than in YOUR bed.
In your shoes I would not even think about giving him ultimatums unless you are prepared to walk away from this relationship. Compromise is the key to sorting this. Try to find some middle ground you can both live with.
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