A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend of two years and I had a big fight today. I'm an unemployed teacher because the job market for teachers in my city is really bad right now. Before I met my boyfriend, I was contemplating a move to Massachusetts (I'm in Missouri), so I got my teaching certificate there as well. My boyfriend knows this and this is what sparked the fight. For the second time, he encouraged me to try and find a job in Massachusetts. I find this very problematic because he would not be coming with me. I have a 12 year old son, and he has a 6 year old daughter who I'm positive he would not want to move away from. So the fact that he keeps suggesting I move 1,200 miles away really bothers me and makes me believe that he is 1) not planning a long-term future with me and 2) he is not at all worried or afraid of losing me. Both of these are deal-breakers for me. He had just arrived at my house when this topic came up, and I just got quiet because this bothers me and I didn't know what to say. After a few minutes, he asked me what was wrong, so I told him (the same thing I told him last time this came up) that I was upset because clearly he has no problem with me moving away and obviously has no intention of a future together. Then he said, "alright, well I'm gonna go then. I'm not gonna listen to this". I followed him upstairs and out the door and told him not to just walk away from me and close the door in my face. As he was standing in the yard, I was on the porch, and what made me furious is that he was just smiling. I was livid because he asked me what was wrong, and when I told him, he just walked away. (This is a recurring pattern.) So he was smiling and acting like me being upset was no big deal. So despite trying to control my anger, I said, "F*** you." and slammed the door behind me.A few hours later, I texted him and said I was sorry for what I said, but not sorry for why I said it. He responded something along the lines of, "maybe your job is not here, maybe it is there. Maybe you getting a job there may lead me to get a job there too. You think so f-ing small sometimes and I can't take it. Talk to you later."Is this argument as big of a deal as I believe it is? Do you think this is a deal breaker? I feel so unsupported and taken for granted.
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female
reader, Brokenv  +, writes (13 June 2013):
All people react different in different situations. You have been with your boyfriend for two years. That to me is long enought to know where you are at with your relationship. If it is going to the next level. I think it is great that he is supoorting you in a career move. He is thinking of you, I believe.
As much as you love him and it would hurt you, we sometimes fear what just might be good for us. Moving away may give you the oppotunities you need to be success in life.
The one person who I would be considering the most out my situation would be my 12 year old son. I would want his feelings heard over the possiblity of moving to a new state, getting a career job and showing him that I'm a good example of what a parent does for the love of my child and a success for our family life.
I think you need to look at who is in your life for the long haul....your son. I think you need to look at the big picture. YOU and your well being.
GOod Luck
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2013): You say jobs are hard to find in your city.If you relocate, what's the long-term plan? You do have a son to think about.Your boyfriend implied that he would consider relocating with you. Is that something that you've discussed in detail? If not, it's worth having a chat about it.Regarding the recurring topic, I can imagine it would be quite annoying going through the same discussion all the time. Instead of focusing on the problem, why don't you have a solution based discussion.Where you say you have thought about options a, b and c to get some income. Outline the pros and cons from your perspective and ask him what he thinks. That way, it's not nagging or incessantly talking about a problem without getting anywhere. You come away from the discussion with a resolution, or with some more thinking to do - but you'll be making progress.Also ask him point blank whether he wants a future with you and what that future looks like for him. How can you make decisions for yourself and the couple if you don't know what he wants from the relationship? After 2 years, he really should really know whether you are the one that he wants to settle with.
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A
female
reader, Gotanissue  +, writes (13 June 2013):
He is clearly an non-confrontational person. When an argument arises he walks away. The smiling is most likely a nerves thing, I do the exact same thing it's not that it's not an upsetting situation it's just how we react. From what you have said you attack him the minute he walks through the door, never a good thing to do. To have a proper conversation with him you need to be calm and collected, he needs to feel at ease and like you are not attacking him. Otherwise he will shut you out and you will continuously keep going in circles. His message told you he would consider moving over there and he doesn't want you to feel trapped there because of him. He know you will have a better life there but you are using him as an excuse to stay, no one wants to be the reason someone doesn't live the life they want. You need to decide what it is you want out of life, if going to Massachusetts is what you want, will it give you and your son a better life.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2013): Laughing and smiling is sometimes seemed innapropriate but on fact it happened when people want to put a shield on their real emotions.
I understand though that it an drive other people nuts. The fact that he is saying about you moving away is a little suspicious to me. Especially the second time around. I can't imagine offering it to my husband when he didn't have a job. I can't imagine him going and living somewhere without me. If I suggested it I would add that I would move also.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (13 June 2013):
 i think the missing element in this relationship clearly is communication. you ideally should be able to calmly and respectfully discuss with him how it makes you feel when he makes those comments and he should listen and explain why he said it and give you peace of mind about what he meant. perhaps the initial way you respond, such as getting quiet and not speaking, puts him on defense and automatically makes him on edge. therefore making him respond poorly, also.
next time something bothers you, try rationally and calmly explaining how it makes you feel without getting quiet, etc.
however, smiling at someone else when they're upset is really rude. i can see why that made you upset (it's never okay to say f*** you, though). keep in mind that sometimes, smiling is a defense mechanism. i've been known to smile when i'm uncomfortable. it's an unfortunate reaction lol.
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