A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Ok so this is a tricky one...My boyfriend slept with his step sister. It was a long time ago but since it happened the two of the became really close and - best friends even. twenty years ago her mum stole my boyfriends dad from his mum - I'm not sure why this makes me feel worse about the situation but it does - Almost like the pair (mum and daughter) are untrustworthy.Since our relationship started this girl has really affected it negatively. She would call him all the time (it felt like no romantic meal was uninterupted etc) I really didn't want to hang around with this girl, so for a while we didn't and this led to her sending him emails complaining that she never got to see him anymore (sounding like a jealous ex girlfriend really)My Boyf spent so long not mentioning the problem to her that it's become a massive issue with us. Eventually he told her and she's backed off but the bad thing is my boyf and her family are totally intertwined and there are constant demands on us to socialise with them. But I find the whole thing really gross - I really don't want to hang around with her!!!I really love him but it cuts me up that no family event is free from feeling horrid about what they did and how it weirds me out...Is it normal to fell like this? Any advice on how not to feel bad about it?
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2013): Realise this question was posed a while ago but I have just found myself in exactly the same situation. I didn't know however for TWO years. I had met his stepmum but wasn't told by my partner it was his ex's mum. He kept this from me for all this time even though things seemed odd - I asked why I had heard his ex call his stepmother 'Mum' for instance and he told me it was her habit to. Of course it was! Now feel incredibly stupid and angry. He says he was worried that telling me would freak me out and he would lose me. Have explained that if I'd known from the outset it would have been much better as it is the deceit that really hurts. At least it sounds like your b/f was honest about the situation from the start even if it took him a while to deal with it to be fair to you. I feel the same, I see this woman regularly and now to find out she is his stepsister as well as his ex is not helpful. It may be in the past but not finding out until now has brought it all into the present.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2010): Hi guys thanks so much for your opinion/advice/perspective.
It's quite difficult for me to get advice on this because I don't feel like I should be telling his dark secrets to my friends... Not really my place to.
I do trust this guy now not to cheat on me. However there were several occasions where he put this girl first, obviously he's know her for a long time but this was still very hard to get over.
She has stopped the calling etc the problem we suffer is the constant pressure from his family for us to get involved (whenever there is a get together she is there!)
His last proper girlfriend did know about this and I have since found out that she had a problem with it as well but she relied on my boyf so much to pay her bills/look after etc that she probably would have put up with anything.
He actually told me because I guessed something was sus. ~(which is a sign in itself!)She was literally giddy around him and she wrote things like "i love you on his wall" which would be fine if she was a sister but it all felt a bit dodgy. I asked... he told....
Thanks again for your words of wisdom guys.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (25 January 2010):
Focus on the fact that your boyfriend did stand up for you and tell her to back off. Yes, what they did was a bit weird, but it wasn't illegal. And yes, she clearly comes from a background without much of a female role model. but your boyfriend has chosen you, so I think you should tell him that you do need reassurance, and that it would be nice to just have some other relatives around sometimes, and keep her at arms length. See if that makes a difference at all.
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