A
female
age
30-35,
*lyvur
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 13 months. He lives in California, and I live in Maryland. We've had a long distant relationship for 13 months, and haven't seen each other once. We've never really seemed to mind it, as long as were always speaking to another. But it's hard because we never really know what the other is up to. I'm truly in love with him, and would be completely devastated if he ever left me. Recently he told me he needed a "break" from the relationship, and it tore me into pieces. Of course I told him it'd be fine, but it's really got me worried. Before he told me we needed to take a "break" we had a fight, and he ended up almost leaving me for it. But the next morning, he called me and said he was sorry and didn't want to leave me. A few months ago, he left me for someone else. We got back together after he came crawling back to me, because he "realized" he loved me. I don't want to have my feelings played with anymore, and I'm falling apart. I know I have hurt him, because I've accused him of cheating a couple of times. But now that is over with, and I haven't said anything offensive to him nor do I intentionally want to. I don't have anyone to talk to, and it's really hard to deal with, because I love him so much. He still tells me he loves me, but he's completely changed, and I have no idea what's going on. A few days ago, everything between us was fine. We were talking about our future together, like we usually do, but now it's like he wants nothing to do with me. What can I do to make him realize how much our relationship means to me? Or how can I deal with this? I really need help, I'm really upset over it.
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female
reader, tennisstar88  +, writes (8 September 2010):
 Ah everyone is telling you to end it for a reason..That's a majority vote there. Agony aunts and uncles are on here to give you good advice, never bad advice. You're wanting someone to tell you what you want to hear, sorry but so far that isn't happening. With this new info from your update, he sounds like he has issues and needs time to work on himself. He hasn't got the tools and mental capacity to work on your relationship right now. The guy has to fix himself before he can fix anyone else and that is going to take some time. Go ahead and take the "break" but I would take the time to think or casually date someone else..That's as close as you're going to get to the advice you want to hear. Listen to what people are telling you!
A
female
reader, Olyvur +, writes (7 September 2010):
Olyvur is verified as being by the original poster of the question So, lately My boyfriend has been acting weird. I'm not ready to end it because I need to find out if he really loves me or not. We have discussed the thought of going out to see each other. On the other hand, he's just not being himself. He sleeps a lot more now, and it's like he's totally ignoring how I feel about it since we are in a 3 hour difference time zone and we barely talk now. He used to be really caring, and affectionate, but now it's like he's backed down, and wants nothing to do with me. He says he wants to kill himself, but he was the one who suggested the "break" which he pulled off last night for no reason. I ask him what's wrong, and he just tells me that nothing is wrong. He's messing with my feelings, and it's really confusing. One minute he loves me, the next he wants a break, but then the break is held off? I know I have had people to just tell me to end it, but I really love this boy and he's attached to my life... I really need another opinion rather than just ending it, because it's something I just cannot bring myself to do. When I talk to him about it, he just gets mad at me because he thinks I don't trust him.
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (7 September 2010):
You have never met him in person? Or you haven't seen him since being in this relationship in which I'm curious as to how this relationship transpired? Here's the secret to a successful LDR..communication without the relationship is pretty much over (now I make exceptions for those who have loved ones in afghanistan that can't get to the phone because they're too busy avoiding being blown up) seeing each other when possible, this means he's either paying for your whole flight, or at least half, and giving you gas money for driving out to see him..Or he's driving out to see you, and hopping on a plane when he has the time. You have got to take the time and save the money to see one another. And lastly, trust has to be there..there's no room for doubt. I get that you can't see him and be with him so you have no idea what he is really doing..thus you have to take his word for it. When trust or communication breaks then problems will transpire..It's very difficult to try to fix problems talking over the phone instead of face to face.
With all that being said, you two also have to be good candidates for LDRs..He wants to take a "break" in which couples rarely get back together after a break it's basically the wussy route of breaking up. You have accused him of cheating when you have no proof or any way of knowing. Honestly, I think that he's a little too far for a LDR and from your post he's not a good candidate for a LDR. It's best to take this break as permanent and find a guy who is local or maybe another state away that you can easily drive to or vice versa. Sorry dear but with the lack of trust and so much doubt it's not going to work in this LDR.
Note: I've had my fair share of LDRs, even an international one..plus I married my last LDR. So I'm proof they can work and I know the ups and downs.
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A
female
reader, kirra07  +, writes (7 September 2010):
Is this relationship really worth the heartbreak and work and worry you're putting into it? This is a long distance relationship where you haven't even gone on 1 date yet. You can talk about your future, but how realistic is it when you haven't even held hands or kissed or felt whether or not there is chemistry. There's a real limit to intimacy, feelings, communication, etc in a long distance relationship.
I hate telling people to give up on their relationship and making it work, because I know how hard it is and how much it hurts when you care about someone. But chances are it won't work out. Not when it's been long distance for so long. Not when the long distance is not ending anytime soon. He wants a break and has left you for another person in the past. Usually, long distance isn't enough. People need what only something there can give them.
It worries me that you don't have anyone to talk to. You need to have a friend network there around you, not emotionally rely on a boyfriend far away. Try to expand your network where you are, whether or not you end things with your boyfriend. Better yet, find someone you can pursue a relationship with that lives near you. It is much more satisfying and easier to maintain.
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